Why can't I let go

[Butterfly77]

I ended my relationship over a month ago and I still talk to my ex on text still go over on occasion. I just cannot let go unless he lets go of me, I don't know why I'm latched on yet I don't want to see him so I keep the communication going. He I feel wants me over to have sex since it's been 3 months.mbut that was the reason I left he never cared to please me. I am stuck in this spiral, I know what's gonna happen I'll go there he will want sex and I don't want too, he hurt me bec the whole 8 months together he didn't like making out so we never did he didn't want to touch me only wanted to be pleased. I'm so sick of being afraid what the hell is wrong with me.

[Stilltrying_]

You are being manipulated and he keeps trying to keep the door open for his own selfish needs. It is because you don't know where the boundaries are as he is not being straightforward with you and he likes to keep it that way as he likes to keep someone "on tap". My advice. Get him to show himself up in such a big way that you will never want to see him again. Actually ask him for something YOU need at a time that YOU need it rather than waiting for him to contact. See what he does. He won't be interested as he is just using you. What you are finding hard to accept is that you felt you had something and you don't want to risk losing that feeling of having something; but how long is it since you actually had that thing with him; how long did the "good period" actually last? A few weeks maybe.

Believe me you think the worst thing on earth is to be on your own, but it isn't. Like I say if you really want to end it do what I suggest. That way you will see you are not to blame. The reason you don't want to end the contact is because a part of you somewhere keeps hoping for the thing you think you had from him but lost. But the reality is HE IS NOT THE ONE FOR YOU. And if he was it would not be so painful.

Realise that being by yourself you can do it, and you will be free. Gemmalouise X

[Butterfly77]

Well I didn't go see him, and now he said he's done he gave me chances. I feel alone and sad, but I guess that's normal. It's hard making friends at my age since all my friends are married with children at this point. Oh well guess I'll figure it out

[Stilltrying_]

Yes it is normal to feel alone and sad in your situation. You are 37 I think you said; I have a big problem with my own age in that I am 55 and very slow developer; had so many problems when I was younger; poor self esteem, depression and until very recently getting into unsuitable relationships like you have done.

I know you may not be exactly like me but it could be something similar. If it is you need to take all the help you can get to understand that it is yourself you need to turn to first. If you are anything like me you feel you have no strength you hate yourself and so on but you probably just missed out on some things as you were growing up and need to get the help you now need through therapy. You have to face yourself and the fact we are all alone but ALL connected. Sometimes being alone terrifies me but when I realise we are all connnected as well I calm down a bit though of course that does not provide cuddles or the immediate sense of not being on your own.

Work on your self esteem and realising that honestly I will tell you this from experience no one can save you but yourself and its harsh but then when it comes it isn't as harsh as you think. At the moment you are not free because you think you need this guy because you're afraid.But the courage will come and go towards people who are trustworthy, Talk to people you trust. Don't go to people like this and keep repeating your patterns. Be on your own for a bit but seek out friends maybe older people who you can share some of your emotions with.

You sound like me late developer maybe through your situation. All is not lost. There is still life though you may have missed out on some things. You need to face that aloneness and work at a different way other than that kind of boyfriend to get out of it. Doesn't mean you have to be on your own all the time but don't go for the instant cuddles as they come at too high a price. They make you feel like you're not alone but they make you worse in the end. Hold out for yourself and hold out for something better for yourself. gemmalouise Xxx

PS Even wonder if your user name is telling you something? (Butterfly?) I used to say I was a chameleon, as I was just kept trying to adapt to people but now I am working at finding myself and realising I am not horrible and have as many rights as every other person on this earth which sometimes isn't many in other countries I know but I mean I'm not a lesser person than anyone and you need to realise this too eventually. X

[PinkCookie]

Been in a very similar situation when a guy only wants one thing even when you've left! The only thing that helped me was moving on getting rid if anything to do with him and met someone else who didn't just want that but also caring! Tell him that's not what you want and if he cant love you for that he clearly doesn't deserve you!x

[Butterfly77]

Thank you, I do relate to you still trying in so many ways. I think it stemmed from my childhood not getting the love or nurturing and I don't blame my parents I just think they did the best they could. I think I'm starving for love affection and I become obsessive. I do need to work on myself this has been a pattern for many years now and the men all seem to get worse. If I don't respect myself who will. I lost my mother young I was 23 and she was 51 to cancer, so again I lacked that motherly support that I see people have. But this is no excuse to allow anyone to treat me like I'm crap. I would like to get to a point that I do love myself and I won't take crap from anyone, it seems to be with men. Because if a friend mostly females did something wrong I would stop talking to them no problem. Maybe it's because my father worked so much and I crave that man in my life. I really don't know, but I know I need to make changes and it's very very hard to change yourself. Men these days just use and I'm not saying all, but again I blame myself because I just give to much and people tend to take advantage of that. Thanks for listening it does help to talk to others in my situation or in a similar situation so we can get tips on how to change. Xoxo Toni

[PinkCookie in reply to Butterfly77]

Definately is hard, sorry to hear that Toni I've never had the support and love of a mother dont get me wrong shes is here and I do love her bit shes never been the caring mum you can sit and chat to so I know how hard that can be however i feel deeply for you Hun! Don't blame yourself some guys can be and not all but some can be like that and that's not you're fault you need to stand up fir yourself, I'm still young and I don't want to waste life ATM with guys only after one thing ebcause where as it may be a bit of fun now and then but in the long run there not worth it Hun! Stay strong dont blame yourself, always here for a chat!c

[Binky1 in reply to Butterfly77]

Hi Toni,

My heart goes out to you as I know myself how painful it is when this happens in a relationship

I am so sorry that you lost your mum at such an early age

I had an abusive alcoholic father growing up who has never been there for me and I'm now 53, I am recently divorced and that was a controlling marriage

I then went into a relationship with a man who I loved dearly and he loved me supposedly ... I found out he was cheating online and texting any woman he came across. I broke up with him but continually went back to him, I knew what he was doing but it was too painful for me to accept that he was treating me like a fool ... eventually I had enough and walked away .. I have been in so much emotional pain as I miss what I thought we had, the love and affection .. but it was false and not what I thought it was

I have been seeking male love and attention as I never had it from my father and I would take it no matter how destructive it was as I felt at the time it was better than being on my own ... Wrong!

You have to raise your selfesteem ... easier said I know .. but you have to put a very high price on yourself and believe that you are worth it and deserve the best in a relationship and don't settle for anything less

It has taken me years to discover that it was actually me who allowed these men to walk all over me and now I stand up for myself and know my worth

You are worth better and don't let him believe that he's innocent as he's just not taking responsibility for his own actions

Sorry if this is a rant

Best wishes

Lesley x

[Butterfly77]

Thanks for responding. I'm trying hard not to talk or see him. I don't even feel like seeing him or getting intimate it's like I'm damaged because for 8 months I would ask why don't you want to kiss me or touch me it's just sex and pleasing him and that would be it. Now don't get me wrong I'm not a sex fein. But I don't think this was a normal relationship. He has said he's sorry. But I wanted actions. I live about 40 minutes from him and he has a dog and I always had to go to him. He doesn't want to leave the dog alone. It's almost like he cares more for the dog than anyone.