Fed up, anxious, terrified and cannot work out why

[Andykin]

Hi, I'm new to this forum but wonder if anyone has similar feelings. I have been on meds for many years but very low dose and recently decided to try and wean myself off them slowly with the help of my GP because I have been feeling the best I have done for years. I started a new job in January which is great having been bullied in my previous job for having mental health problems. I then started with sinusitis and was prescribed antibiotics and had to take time off work, the manager was very understanding and said it was just one of those things and didn't expect me to go into work. I ended up taking 3 days off but when I returned I began to get very anxious. I was having hot flushes and sweating but feeling cold, feeling disorientated, lethargic, dithering legs, couldn't join in conversations and would go off to the toilet to cry my eyes out 2 or 3 times a day.

Last week I was on holiday for a week and went to stay in a nice hotel for a couple of days with my wife but initially I was so stressed I had to take diazepam to calm down. I started back at work this week but yesterday (Wednesday) I broke down at home prior to going to work and rang for an ambulance as was not coping at all and had feelings that the only way to get out of this cycle would be to harm myself as the feelings of constant worrying were terrifying. I was calmed down by the person on the other end of the phone and was told to make an emergency appointment at the doctors. My wife was horrified with the thought I wanted to harm myself which in hindsight is completely understandable and this made my feelings worse as I felt I had let her and my 2 daughters down.

I went to the doctors and was prescribed beta blockers and upped my citalopram to 30 mg per day. I also have diazepam that I can use at the worse times.

I woke up this morning and the dread set in again. Walked to work and broke down crying so took 4 mg diazepam. This took the edge off the worry but still there. I then took a beta blocker at lunchtime and began to feel very distraught, distant, disorientated and spaced out and still feel like this now 7 hours later but maybe slightly less so. To make things worse the sun has been out and that seems to make me feel worse as I get very sensitive to sunlight when anxious so pray for dull cloudy days - I know it's stupid but that's how it affects me. I often think I'm going ma and going to lose it but try to hang on in there.

Does anyone else identify with the same feelings? I am told that many people do but I have never spoken to anyone with similar feelings and feel like an outcast.

Sorry to go on, and on, and on........ But wanted to get my story out there to see if anyone else feels the same.

[Hidden]

Hi Andykin.

Anxiety is a beast that takes no prisoners,just when we feel we are doing well it sneaks up on us and bang were back at square one.You know you can get to a better place so if you need to take medication again it's ok.I would have a word with your GP about the light sensitivity as I have not heard of that being part of anxiety.I hope you get sorted out soon.

Kenny-w

[nezzykins]

Hi there andykin. Im a newbie on here too. I also suffer from severe anxiety but my anxiety problems i believe are linked to a thyroid disorder, but that doesnt matter because no matter what the cause, at the end of the day, anxiety is anxiety, and I truly empathize with you. Strange that it started following antibiotics. Hope you dont mind me asking, but had you taken this particular anti b previously? My first thought was allergic reaction? Anti b allergic reaction does not always affect the body with rashes and swollen tongues, faces etc but can also affect us emotionally too. Then the old knock on effect which can build and build until it gets out of hand. ie fear of fear syndrome! You sound as if you are really having a rough ride at the moment. CBT excercises can be very helpful for many anxiety problems and can help put things into a more realistic context if you are open minded about its helpful approach which has helped many people to cope. A good and easy to read book, with many helpful facts and excercises is called " CBT for DUMMIES" Not that im implying in anyway whatsoever that you are a dummy of course lol. Hope this helps. Good luck. Lynne

[Andykin in reply to nezzykins]

Hi lynne

Thanks for taking the time to reply. I have taken these type of antibiotics before with no ill effects so must just be a coincidence or just me trying to blame the sinus illness for causing my latest anxiety episodes.

I am reading the book Managing Anxiety with CBT for dummies - just started it so will let you know if any good.

Going to see a hypnotherapist next week who also teaches mindfulness, might be of help but won't know until I go.

I know what you mean about the fear of fear, it's a dreadful debilitating feeling and often comes out of nowhere. I have always been a worrier but usually can contain it but there are periods like now where everything overflows and I become overwhelmed with fear. As you know this is an awful feeling and would do anything to make it stop but normally have to let it run it's course.

I don't know what the support is like in your area but where I live there is very little, which surprises me when you read articles that say 1 in 4 people will suffer from a mental illness in any year. You would think there would be more of a support team out there to help. I have been referred for psychotherapy by my GP but they said it will be months before I am seen.

Anyway, thanks again for the suggestions. Andy

[Stressed2death]

You sound just like me. I have been fighting the anxiety beast for over 15 years and lately I'm getting worse. I no longer can go to work so I'm on a leave of absense for the last 9 months. I cry all the time, don't sleep, can barely eat. I am terrified that I'm dying all the time. I don't go out because I'm afraid somebody will see me having a meltdown. I am afraid to die but have suicidal thought because I feel I can't take it anymore. I do have the light sensitivity as well and was glad I'm not the only one,I thought something else was wrong. Sorry to ramble but I find it helpful to find people that have the same symptoms as me. It makes me feel more normal (what ever normal is lol). Just try deep breathing and eating healthy it may help.

[Andykin in reply to Stressed2death]

Hi. Thanks for the reply. As you and I both know it is very hard especially when these feeling are with you a lot of the time. I have read the books, go to the gym 3-4 times a week and eat lots of fruit and veg. I have cut out alcohol, coffee etc, drink camomile tea, do relaxation and at times I do see a glimmer f my old self especially in the evenings. Then the next day back to square one. Today my car packed in on the way back from the gym and I again started catastrophising, the what ifs, what will happen etc etc. my wife was with me and helped me through it and I did hold it together until I got things sorted and then broke down in tears for a good 10 mins or so, I think this helps as it releases the built up tension.

I have read in many articles that 1 in 4 people are going through what we are going through which helps in a way but all I see when I pluck up the courage to go out is happy smiling faces. Maybe this is because those suffering this terrible illness are behind closed doors.

When I first started with this 14 years ago I was like you, very worried I was dying thought nobody understood. What I can say now is that you will get over these feelings, they are terrifying at the time but you will get through them. This is my 4th bout in 14 years and in between them they do get better, just keep telling yourself it will. It's interesting to know that you have similar light sensitivity because there must be others out there that are the same and we're not alone. I really hope you begin to see an improvement soon - never ever give up :-).