Hi Everyone and Happy New Year, wishing you all a relaxed and anxiety free 2013.
Ive had enough of my horrendously scary anxiety physical and psychological symptoms, ive seemd to have gone down every avenue of help now and as much as i know ive got to suck it up im finding it very hard. My anxiety started when i started a job in a gp surgery, it was the most hostile and unsupportive environment ive ever had the mispleasure of working in. I was severely bullied by a senior partner and when a final straw came i appoached my manager i was told her "my hands are tied and thats just him" . Ive never felt so demotivated, lonely and isolated. I seemed to cope at the time but reflecting on it all, it is definately been source and trigger for my anxiety and panic states. A very close family member became ill in summer and they would not let me take a day off even when we as a family were called into the intensive care unit as he had taken a turn for the worst and was very critcally ill. Long story short, i was so angry at my workplace for this and just kept bottling this angst, anger, frustration and anxiety. On his discharge home he was great but his wound started to open so i took him to a local walk in centre and sta with him thinking of a million secenarios.... I worked up to a state where i needed to get out, couldnt breathe, heart pounding, sweating, i didnt know whe to book myself in, call an ambulance. I was on my hand and knee outside the main entrance as i didnt want my family member to see. This started my panic attacks and lifted a lid on the most almighty anxiety.
After this i remained to have horrnedous panic attacks but carried on at work as i knew at some point the right job would come along and i needed a good reference. My anxiety was at an all time high, and it had now moved onto my health and why am i having palps and shortnessof breath. (i have a run of svt in jan last year probably brought on through stress and i feel very scared of it happening again) i seemed to have tried everything, i saw my gp who gave me propanalol, which didnt help any anxiety but im still taking them. Things got alot better in my life in sept, my husband secured a fantastic job, and i gained my dream job. So i didnt really have nothing to worry about, but the anxiety if me putting my notice in and the reaction of the management was unbearable. Lots of snide comments and my new job being alot easier etc... I just kept my head down for the reference.
As it was hugely stressul i saw my go and asked for some help, she prescribed sertaline 50mg and i was ecstatic as she described it as a wonder drug. I took one the next mornign and preceeded to have the most terrifying freezing cold chills, whizzing up and down my body like electric currents and it scared the living day light of of me. I self refered for CBT, which i found totally useless.The counsellor said she didnt want to know about any reason i came to refer but what u felt like in the last week. Her approach was to just stop when i get a negative thought and do something else, when this didnt work she posted me a "worry tree" thats she wanted me to write on which seemed a little futile as i think a talking therapy would be my best best. I then went back to my gp who said she cant give me anything else and "the best thing for you young girl is 5 portions if fruit and veg a day, so pull your socks up and eat up" which i found very upsetting as i went to her very upset and left in an even worse state. In the kead up to christmas i found a local group talking therapy but there was no structure, there should have been a 12step recovery programme that was followed but it was never address and seems like a was of time.
Im gradually pulling myeslf together,my panic attacks are few and far between but this anxiety if horrid. In the kead up to christmas i was very very weepy, my sleeping is appaulling. Im having sort of night terrors, as soon as i drop off i wake with a fright and banging heart. Im having a more positive day/night as im reasoning through stuff but it the nights where ive raced ahead with my thinking and sen myself in a coffin.
My main anxieties lie with my health, and becoming ill or collapsing in front of my children and dying leaving my children without a mother. I had my first session with a psychotherapist this evening and whilst its costly im begining to may a bit of sense about things. Its seems i needed a good old fashioned talking therapy.
Im sorry to go, thanks for listening. Does anybody else have times when they are very upbeat and can reason with things and then days where your convinced death is around the corner? And has anyone had help with their sleeping as this is getting unbearble. Ive got to get up in 3 hours and dropped off for about 10mins and woke with a horrific start. Im just wonder how to tackle my gp with sleeping meds. (i already take natrasleep and calms throught the day with rescue remedypastiles)
Thanks again and sorry to go on.