Just tired of struggling

Last February 2013 my mind and body came to a halt. Meaning I have been fighting this battle of anxiety and depression since 20 years or more. I am so tired- now I am having physical issues, my blood pressure, my stomach, my knees, when does it stop. I had to take long term disability with my employer afterall high stress jobs dont want anyone that cant deliver or perform. So, now I am struggling to repair my health, my mind and its not coming as it did when I was younger- is it the fact that I am having health issues. The long term disability has a clause that I have to file for SS Disability. I did and I was denied. I am sitting here crying because I have never not been able to work or perform and I always had a fight in me. What happens when you become depleted? What happens when you have tried and tried just to make it with this spiraling downward mental illness that one day I think I am going to make it and I am empowered the next day I am in tears. I have been on increased medicine but I think if I continue to push I will truly end up just empty, not fighting, not knowing. Where to next?


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11 Replies

  • Hi

    I am sorry to read how you are feeling & I can relate to the feeling of your life been a battle for to long dealing with this anxiety having good times & bad times & then as you get older & you start getting physical problems as well it really does & can trigger & enlighten the whole anxiety issue that you thought you were dealing with & all the what if's come flooding in !

    I cant relate to the work situation even though I can empathize , but sure other members will relate to you with that when they read your post , I have spent my adult life been a Mum & housewife but its what I wanted for myself & I am happy but I do have days when I feel if I wasn't like I was then maybe I could have been an even better parent !

    But all the what if's when my head starts I have to say , slow down , you don't really know what will happen in the future , your head wants to tell you what will & it will all be negative because that's how anxiety is , so I try & stay in the day with my thoughts , enjoy what ever that day has to offer & let tomorrow take care of itself & most important is to not beat myself up over what I think should be or what could have been & looking for the good things about us because we are such lovely sensitive people that we have so many good qualities but we are really bad at reminding ourselves what they are & we should do & feel proud :-)

    Sorry if my answer has not been very helpful but wanted to let you know I had read your post :-)




  • Your answer was very helpful to me . Thank you , I suffer bad anxiety and have bad thoughts but nice to be able to share with others 😊

  • Thank you yes its the days when you feel so all alone and I guess we always think we should be and it would be different if anxiety and depression would just go away. Yes, thanks for reminding me to be in the moment I do project alot.

  • Hi tndr.... Please bear in mind that those of us who struggle with mental health problems have a harder time than those who don't. That's what makes us stronger! Keep on keeping on! Xx


  • Thank you Ruby for your kind words sometimes I don't feel so strong anymore.

  • I have also felt like this and it makes you feel worthless. After a botched emergency gall bladder operation and another 6 operations I was forced to stop working and my Daughter was only 4 at the time. I am on my own all day and sometimes I just want to cry but don't really know why. I feel guilty as I haven't been to my baby Son's grave for a month and I have said to myself that I will go today or tomorrow and take some flowers and have a little talk to him. The world seems to go on without me sometimes but I am certainly loads better than I have been with extra medication. I do hope that you will feel better and perhaps manage to talk to someone that understands. Have a good weekend. Sundayschild10 xxx

  • For what it's worth... I have been passed over twice for promotion and this last time I wonder if it is because, even though I have hardly been off sick but struggled in, I have been open with my firm about mental health issues. My job is high pressure and I have been v bored these last two years since getting back from maternity - and had panic etc since then.

    I think we have v high expectations of ourselves and it is easy to think we are letting ourselves and others down.

    Like you I have never not worked and work is v important to me. I'm afraid I haven't got any practical suggestions but can CAB help you appeal or find other ways to get financial support? Or can your employer support you in a part time or flexible return to work? I'm sure you have already thought of these, but please don't give up you are still you and much of the despair is the anxiety itself talking.

    People on here are so supportive and I found it helps to be reminded I am not alone with this sort of issue, keep checking in and I hope you get your own inner voice back soon.


  • Hi, I am new to the site and online forums but just wanted to check to see how you were doing today. You aren't alone, I had a physical/mental meltdown around 4 weeks ago and think that I had been suffering for at least 12-18 months prior to that. My work is very pressured and stressful and I have been signed off and am not sure I will be able to go back. Like you work was what I did and what I gained some self esteem from. Now I don't brush my hair and sit in the same jeans and sweatshirt for 3 days. I have good and bad days. I am struggling to leave the house and sometimes feel empowered and other days feel useless and empty. I have started to see a counsellor and am trying to stop beating myself up. Please don't be so hard on yourself, the fact that you have been coping with the mind and body halt since Feb 2013 is amazing (let alone 20 years of anxiety and depression) and I am not surprised you are feeling tired. You must have so much strength just to have got to where you are now. On a practical note, do you have a sympathetic GP, who would be able to assist with appealing the SS disability claim? Are you seeing a counsellor in addition to taking the medication or has this not helped?

    21esme. Xx

  • Thank you. Yes I am on long term disability for the first time in my life. My whole family depends on me. I feel I won't be able to return at all. I've been fooling myself. I was reading my journal dated Jan 06. I was sinking then. I'm in therapy and seeing a psychiatrist. It's time for me to try for my SS. I am knowing I can't take any additional stress or it's going to take me down. That's it. And I get it after fighting depression and anxiety for over 20 years it's changing and becoming more physical. My health will not be able to continue at the pace I have been before. I see the signs. So I will try to take life a day at a time. Thanks everyone. Hugs to all.

  • Hi tenderheart, can I recommend the book Depressive Illness: The Curse of the Strong

    Chris Cantopher. It sounds like maybe your depression comes about because you take too much on. The body and mind will literally "blow a fuse" if you push them too hard. There are certain personalites which get depressed and they are usually the most hardworking and dedicated and community conscious. People take them for granted until they "crack" and then everyone acts surprised! I would definately recommend this book to you. Gemmalouise x

  • Ty Gemmalouise x

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