Does anyone else suffer from lack of support/understanding of their partner?

I had a pretty bad anxiety attack again yesterday relating to a group of youths hanging around close to where we live, who have been told to move on several times before and keep coming back. I tried to stay calm but actually I was shaking, pale, heart rate up etc. My partner saw this but just stayed on the computer. When he finally at least gave me a hug, he was trying to tell me it's all in my head and I will need to get used to reality - get thick-skinned. I saw them kids smerking right at me!

Why does my partner not at least do some research to understand what anxiety is??

If it's 'for better, for worse' and this is as good as it gets at 'for worse', well, good grief.

Can anyone relate?

Love,

Christine

17 Replies

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  • Hi Christine, I totally relate to what you are saying. My husband doesn't understand at all, I have given him things to read etc. it is getting better although we still have a lot of misunderstandings. Have you tried writing him a letter or sitting down and talking to him. I ask him for help and I tell him I need his support, sometimes that helps. My husband is a lot happier if he can see that I am helping myself with the anxieties. I have spoken with Relate as well to see if I could get some pointers from them, maybe you try them.

    Please keep talking on here to, I have found lots of help from here. Take care xx

  • Hi Winter12,

    Thanks for your response. I have brought Relate up as an idea a few times before but so far he's not up for it. I just feel very alone with all this. I have tried to explain to him how it affects me and my thoughts, but it just feels like it's tearing us apart.

    Love, Christine

  • Hi Christine

    I do think with anxiety unless you have or are suffering no one can understand how you feel & how it affects us , but they can try & support us

    I have asked myself if I didn't suffer could I understand this & the answer is no , I could listen to someone & sympathize but I wouldn't know exactly what they were going through

    Maybe you have already but if not could you sit him down & tell him you know he wont understand but could he be there for you more & support you

    He may not know how he is suppose to do that , I think eventually him getting up & giving you a hug & I know it wouldn't have helped him saying you need to be thick skinned ( which really says he doesn't understand as we know if only it was that easy ) but I think it sounds like that was him trying in the only way he knows how to show some support

    Men don't think the same as women never have & never will then add anxiety to the equation if they have never suffered & they really are going to be lost in what to do !

    Could you say you understand he doesn't know what you are going through , but you need his support , just letting you know he cares by maybe giving you a hug , making you a cup of tea , just letting you know he cares sometimes that is as much as they can do but when we are feeling anxious it can be those little things that do help

    If I sat mine down to do some research he would still come of none the wiser !

    But he is there for me , making cups of tea & he tries the best he can , so when I am feeling frustrated I try & focus on his good points & that helps me as he does have some ( even though I don't tell him that lol )

    I hope you are feeling calmer today :-)

    Love

    whywhy

    xxx

  • Hi whywhy,

    Yes, part of me does think he is trying his best, even if it doesn't look much at the time. I think it really does frustrate me though that he doesn't seem to try to actually understand what anxiety is. Especially since he has been bullied at school and that's exactly how I feel with those kids. So in my mind he should be able to relate to that feeling. Then again, I have suffered from anxiety for almost 5 years now and he is probably tired to hear about it by now, which I do understand.

    Love, Christine

  • Hi whywhy, how are u? I have just read your reply to Christene, I'm sure she will find it very helpful. It was very interesting you now have physiological understanding in your armoury. I have been very down, should have had my spine operation on the 7/1/2014, but through my diabetes, and being unable to lie flat or go to bed. My legs have filled with water, and blisters formed which are bleeding,. Surgeon will not carry out op, until they clear up. The only benefit is the district nurse calls to dress them (Problem they are mostly old and miserable) I havent been out of home since 15/12/13, so getting well down. I attend local mental health unit for anxiety and depression, but they are a shambles have,n't had an appointment for 15 moths. New GP is great really kind and understanding, when I told her about mental health unit, she exploded, and I have an appointment next Wednesday. I'm sorry to have rambled on, the main reason I posted, is I just read about your success, in the awards, well done, and richly deserved. Well at least I have brought you up to date with my problems, which as you know I don't do very often as the majority of our members all seem much worse than me.I send you my love, and think about you often

    Jamie xxx

  • Hi Jamie :-)

    Oh what a lot you are coping with , I don't know how you do it !

    Please don't ever think your problems are not important & we don't want to hear about how you are feeling & even if we don't have the answers we are very good listeners :-)

    Reading your update , you seem to be going through a lot & what ever your problems are you are having to live with them so you need to share how you are feeling

    Someone could post they had earache , I could sympathize with them & be concerned & hope they felt better soon but if I was sat here with say toothache , it would feel worse than their earache to me because you can only feel your own pain & whatever form that may come in will feel the worse to you ( if you sort of get what I am trying to say )

    So please let us know how you are :-)

    Oh you made me laugh when you said the nurses that come out are old & grumpy :-D

    I am sure there are some mature ones that like a joke , maybe you should put in a request for one :-D

    You take Care & post when you need to please :-)

    xxx

  • hi Christine, I am a carer for my wife now about 14 years, married for 47 yrs, still love her to bits, I do also have my faults, I probably don't say I love her as much as I used to , or give her a cuddle as much as I used to, but she still knows how much I care and love her, we blokes are a bit thick that way, we automatically think that women know that we adore them, but women need the tender touch, ( sorry if I am not putting it down right ), ask him to get on this website to understand how every one cares for and supports each other in their fight against this awful illness called anxiety, maybe be better than all the words, it did it for me. take care and lots of love jasper xxx

  • Hi Jasper,

    Yes, he probably does care in his own way, after all, he is still with me. It's just so hard when you feel like you're on your own with this.

    Love, Christine

  • I'm still shaking and have been crying most of the morning. I am feeling so scared of those kids hanging around. It just feels like there's no hope and no way out. Logic tells me that's not true, but that's how it feels. It's an awful illness to have!

    Christine

  • Hi Christine

    Are those kids still hanging about or are you afraid they will come back ?

    I would hope during the day they would be in school or college even though I know that is not always the case

    Have you thought of keeping a diary of how many times they hang about if they are causing any trouble , it would help if you need to report them at any stage

    We have had problems with kids where I live before , remember they cant get in your property & if you have any doubts you phone 999

    Sometimes the fear is worse than what they are that we feel , they wont even realize they are been a pain , even though we can feel they are doing it deliberately

    Keep your TV on or radio , try & distract yourself from the noises outside

    Thinking about you

    xxx

  • Thank you whywhy,

    The thing is we live very close to a school and they have been told not to hang around here, but they keep coming back and taking the p**s. They think it's fun to annoy people. it's the fact that they know full well school told them not to after we spoke up. And now they do it anyway, more on purpose. It's hearing them outside, laughing and making comments, like shouting 'psycho', that's what hurts and makes it feel very personal and intimidating. I don't want to have to walk past them, but it's my house! And I need to take the kids out! I'm scared that if I talk to school again, they will get told and get really angry with me and do something worse. Does that make sense? I feel bullied, really.

    Christine x

  • OK

    I understand because we had lots of trouble with kids round here & it made my nerves bad

    The name calling is not nice but if you can look at it that they are immature kids that know no better !!!

    I would contact school again , maybe even putting it in a letter as they have to them keep it on the records , I would explain my fear & how this is leaving me as an adult feeling bullied & how I fear any repercussions from having to complain again all because of their students that they cannot control

    I would tell them this will be the last time I will contact them over this issue & if they can not resolve it I will be going to the police & making my local MP know about the conduct of these pupils , I have a feeling that will make them sit up & listen , even though I could be wrong ,, but after I had done that if the school didn't do anything to resolve it i would go to my MP & make them aware

    I know this all sounds very daunting & while you are having to deal with it your anxiety will feel really bad but try & look at the bigger picture that if you get through this now that the outcome could be that it gets resolved & that will help you long term

    You can keep coming on here & know that people care & are listening to you & hopefully you will know you are not alone :-)

    xxx

  • Thank you, whywhy.

    I had to pick the children up and I think getting some daylight helped a little bit. But itś this very unfortunate location we live at. Anyway, I feel a bit calmer. Thanks a lot for your support. I have heard a lot about you on here and that you left for a while. Well, itś lovely to see you back here.

    Big hug. Christine xx

  • Hi Christine

    I am pleased you are feeling a little calmer , sometimes if we can get out a little bit & get some fresh air it does help , but I know as just been out myself it can take some doing so well done you should feel proud :-)

    Oh I not sure what you heard about me :-D

    Yes the site did go down a little needing Admins , but I came back as a member & took that on at the same time & it is a lot more securer now for us all to do what we do best & support each other :-)

    Hope you have a relaxing evening :-)

    xxx

  • Thanks, hun. And lovely to have you back.

    Christine xx

  • Hi Christine, I had a similar experience with someone I was seeing. He eventually claimed he had had enough, accusing me of 'having every condition under the sun' and would frequently tell me to just 'get a grip'. I'm still very hurt, but I knew in the long-term I couldn't be with someone who treated me with such contempt. Take care.

  • yes, my partner accuses me of being mentally ill/something wrong with me all the time, we get the same from youths hanging around and it does make you feel anxious because youths can be obnoxious b-----ds these days, with me, my temper tends to go white hot and I have to be careful because I would do some serious damage if I let fly,,so I have to turn my back to it,,having said all this, there is a saying that 'if you look into the abyss,the abyss will stare back at you' so until and unless one of the little darlings says anything detrimental to you its best to busy yourself with something else to take your mind off it.

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