My life is a complete nightmare

I've always been a worrier. It got so much worse at the moment when my parents passed away when I was just 17 yo. When something is out of control I panic so much that I can't function properly, I can;t breathe and start shaking. I don't sleep nor eat, I can't concentrate on anything else. I'm scared of socializing with people since I think that I'd do or say something stupid or embarassing. I'm a university student and exams make me beyond nervous. I never sleep the night before my exams. I don't have many friends and I don't date simply because I'm scared. Last time I had a relationship was 3 years ago and they were awful. However, this month has been the worst in my life. This time anxiety was triggered by a rather sad moment. I had a bad permanent eyebrow make up and now look extremely ugly with these two bloody thick black bastards on my face (at least that is what I think). I look like a fake. Most people don't notice it plus I cover my eyebrows with a fringe (that doesn't even suit me making me look 15) but I'm beyond anxious. I always thought I was pretty and was always getting compliments about my appearance. I thought I was beautiful. This month changed it all, I look at myself in the mirror and see the ugliest girl ever. I lost 3 kilos so far and weigh 47 now. I can't sleep without my sleeping pills (zopiclone). My friends and family don;t recognize me. I constantly think about what I look like and keep checking myself in the mirror every single minute. I started scratching and biting myself constantly regretting what I've done. I am trying to do something to distract myself from heavy thoughts but nothing seems to work. I know 5 languages, am a dancer, I can play the guitar but I am too obsessed with my appearance. I think that it'd be better to have some nasty scars than this fake eyebrows. I constantly worry about what people would think of me. I know that I shouldn't worry that much over some small things, what's done is done, I can't do anything but wait until it fades a little. But i just can't deal with it myself anymore. It's getting ridiculous and it's stealing my life. I'm planning to go to a therapist. I'm feeling so tired but so scared to go to bed cuz at nights it gets worse and worse and I keep waking up from nightmares and those awful thoughts that I can't control anymore.

Last night i had some melatonin to help me fall asleep. It gave me really vivid creepy nightmares. I was hallucinating and couldn't sleep. I'm desperate

6 Replies

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  • iam the same with my looks but you are beautiful no matter what go and see a doctor tell them about your anxiety see if they will give u something for it xx

  • Hello & Welcome

    I have read all your post & I can feel how low you are feeling & how your anxiety is making you feel this way , which it makes so many of us feel the same

    When we are suffering , it wouldnt matter what we looked like , because its the insides that feel so rubbish & when they do , the outside looks rubbish to us as well

    I am sure as your confidence grows & as you deal with your anxiety , you will eventually start to see what others see , & that will be a beautiful person , inside & out

    I think counselling would be a very good idea & I would make that a must to see what I could sort out

    Keep talking on here , it really helps knowing people care & understand

    Love

    whywhy

    xxx

  • Thank you so much for all the support! I'll deffo keep posting since it does actually help to know that people care. The thing is that I used to think that I was pretty and I also always thought that its my look that attracts people. I need to learn how to love myself unconditionally

  • Yes you do & you will & also , you will eventually realize that after someone looks at you no matter what they think they see , personality , is what really makes a person attractive & keeps them interested , believe me & I am sure you have a beautiful personality , let that shine & try & worry less about the looks , bet you get even more attention :)

    xxx

  • Hello Lovalova

    Hopefully this site will help a little - I think it does, it is good to know you're not alone...weight loss (or gain) often comes with anxiety - I was 56 kg (just right) back in Feb, now I'm 47kg (not great)...I find I can be very up/down/left/right/diagonal - all over the place. My overall mantra in this fight is 'If I can think myself into this state them I can flipping well think myself out of it' - so far I've taken a few hits, but I'm still standing ;)

    good luck

    x sam

  • Thanks for your reply! This site deffo helps me a lot cuz I no that people here do understand me. It's a perfect mantra really. We are the problem, i mean the problem is inside all of us, we just need to control our anxiety by loving ourselves. When you are suffering it's so hard to eat and sleep. At least for me it always is.

    Best of luck :) xxx

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