As many of you know i had been off work months and now being phased back in. Last week i did 9.30 - 12.30 although i struggled as having to leave at 8.30am was still in the rush hour. I managed to get through the week but was hard going.
Monday i went to work came home tired but that is to be expected.
Tuesday got on the bus had travelled a few stops when i had a major panic attack i got off the bus and i found it difficult to put one foot in front of the other. I was shaking crying as i tried to walk. Finding it hard to catch my breath.
I called my daughter bless her who has a 7month olf baby in a state she was like mum stand where you feel safe and i will get there as soon as possible. My sister called me trying to calm me down as my daughter called her to explain.
I have never felt so fearful and scared in all my life i just couold not cope.
I know its small steps and i know it takes time but i cannot cope any longer with feeling this way its ruining my life dictates and lurks constantly.
I am going to see the Doctor again Friday and at this time i feel i can no longer torture myself to get to work.
Sorry for sounding negative and depressive but i am struggling so badly.
Hope everyone is having a good day.
Hugs
Love Seyi xxxx
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seyi
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19 Replies
•
Seyi
I am sad to see you feeling this way
I must say though what a great daughter & family you seem to have
Now I no you are giving this your best , you have come along way since joining , it may be to much to soon & its not worth carrying on if its going to set you back , sounds like you need more time
I hope with the GP help you can find what is going to be best for you at the moment , because you are the most important thing in all this
Don't feel bad if you have to take a step back as you have nothing to feel bad about
Sending you some of my new curly hugs for special people that are in need
{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}
love
whywhy
xxx
Hi Seyi,
You've done so well, and we all can see your really trying.
Whats coming to me in your words is your still not coping, and feeling safe inside yourself.
Yes go to the doctors and try and get some therapy that will deal with your childhood. I dont know what went on there, and it could be not much, but the feeling of safety away from home within ourselves, for me, stems from feeling insecure as a child.
Once we see this, work on it, we then can move forward slowly, dealing with just the panics, and not the mountain of feelings of vunerability inside. I'm sure your sister would be one to speak to here as well.
If I'm totally off point here, please disregard this.
Thank you for your kind comments perhaps i did go back to quickly before i was ready. I am seeing a therapist at the moment but to be honest she gives advice which is in leaflets etc. I am also having acupunture to try and relax a little.
I had a good childhood to be honest parents were always there bit over protective at times like many parents.
Only thing that springs to mind is i disliked being the eldest child but apart from that i could not wish for a happier childhood.
My mother was over protective, like many parents too.
for me I found it was HER way of coping, and nothing to do with the skills I needed to take on the big world outside. I'm not saying this is like your mum as I'm sure she is lovely just like you.
I'm just saying, sometimes, however our coping strategies have come about, if they are not working, maybe its time to take a good look at what it is thats not working and adjust it. I found its surprisingly easy to do, there not cast in stone, we just need an understanding of how to do things better, and they slot in nicely.
Thanks baylien for all your support and advice i suppose i am back to square one and have to break out of the circle once more.
Just so annoying that something like this can take over your life if you allow it. I will get up brush myself down and start again.
Thanks again
Hugs
Love Seyi xxx
• in reply to
Hi B
Hope you don't mind me asking , I was just wondering as Seyi seemed to be doing really well & getting to a good place till starting back at work taking her out of her comfort zone maybe
Have you any tips on how to deal with going back to work when you are over coming anxiety , how did you do it ? its something I always wonder how people cope as a lot on here seem to struggle at that stage
xxx
• in reply to
Hi whywhy,
I didnt overcome anxiety, I learnt to allow it to arise inside as and when, without fighting it or running away from it, I accepted that it would get worse and evenually subside if I only could allow it to, by not adding the second fear, i.e. the what if? or oh my gosh I'm going to die thoughts.
I was lucky that the person I worked with a bricklayer was a compassionate man, and was patient with me, allowed me time to get over a panic. In a way protected he me in certain situations too. And although it was SO hard I managed to get well enough to, get the train to london three times a week, underground, train my martial arts, come home to folkestone and do it again the next day. After two years I was well enough to start college and get my qualifications in architecture to get a good job being a technician.
All this while, I was taking valium when I absolutely needed it only though, and that after 6 yrs was my eventual downfall. As in reality I hadn't fully stopped being scared of panics, but I had sufficiently to get back to work.
Also I had the undiagnosed heart stopping which would cause blackouts in bad panics, so I guess that had something to do with the downfall too.
It does take time, and we must do it slowly, gently.
This time, I'm not yet back at work, I'm making sure I am as ready as possible before I attempt to go back to work, and thats an ongoing thing, and drug free.
wishing you well
B
xxx
• in reply to
Morning B
When I read your post , I must have picked up wrong from your advice , it came across to me that you were working & that's why I asked if you had more advice , sorry my mistake
Again where I come from over coming learning to go with something its the same thing , the same meaning
More or less then as I replied to Seyi , maybe a little to soon
The secret could lie as you say making sure we are ready , but I suppose until we try , we wont always no
You seem to be well on your way though with the understanding you seem to have of yourself , so I wish you luck for the near future with this
Thank you for the reply , it answers a lot
xxx
• in reply to
Hi whywhy,
I'm not very good at explaining about this, as you say one word can have different meanings to each person.
I think reading from above I was talking about our coping strategies WORKING, or not working,
Indeed we do have to subject ourselves to the anxiety, but slowly, gradually, so we practice being with our anxiety and getting used to it, seeing it for what it is.
I totally understand how difficult that can be, as you know I have struggled with it for 30+ years. and although I'm getting free of it and practicing drug free for 3 years now, its certainly not easy even now. But its easier than not facing it. I just got so fed up with suffering, I made a choice, to face my demons.
B
xxx
• in reply to
It can be hard to express what mean over a computer
Yes maybe same here once I get some help , its been over 30 odd years for me to , I am sure we all are searching to face our demons & by been on here talking have made that choice, for each & everyone of us I hope we get there & sure we will
xxx
• in reply to
Yes, a lovely sentiment, may all of us be free of anxiety and panics.
You are not alone Hun and you are so brave. I too thought I could tackle the big wide world yet it came and bit me in the bum while at the milk cage in sainsburys. I was hanging onto it for dear life, crying, shaking, feeling like a complete nut job, hoping no one came up to me asking if I was ok. My OH found me and I bolted to the door and had to get a cab for a 3 minute journey lol.
Please do speak to your GP again as your health and state of mind comes first.
I was the oldest of three girls and hated it. They got it easy, my parents cut their teeth on yours truly lol. Xxxx
I am sorry to hear about your trip to Sainsbury's i can relate to that i recall the first time i went out with my husband and i did a marathon around sainsbury's just to get out and home. I have an appointment Friday at the Doctor's so maybe he can help me. Like i mentioned before i was being phased in but that will have to be put on hold.
As for being the oldest your right about the others getting it easy. Everything seemed to rest on your shoulder's recall "You should know better" "make sure you watch them" "you can help around the house more". Laughing now when one of the family wanted a babysitter my mum would say seyi will do it before asking. Then you would feel guilty.
Hope all is well with you and thank you kindly for your support i have some lovely friends on here whom i have never seen So glad of this site keeps me afloat.
You are a good person seyi, you have always been kind and supportive to everyone on here and it's a pleasure to give it back.
I wish you all the best for Friday.
There is 7 years between me and middle sis, and 18 months between her and youngest. I hated them, love them now though. Well most of the time. The middle was and is the favourite with daddy where me and youngest are mums girls. It's funny coz me and youngest are very independent, never asked or would ask for anything whereas dad is middle sisters second bank. Lol xxx
Hi Seyi, so sorry to hear you are having a bad time. You have done so well, I think we should expect a few setbacks now and again. I am finding this week really tiring back at work, but once I'm there I seem ok, I find the thought of going makes me feel anxious. I think I went back to work as soon as I started feeling well again and like my old self, perhaps we need to give ourselves more time .
Thanks for your reply but was doing alright then bang on the way to work i got myself in a real state. I just could not control what i was feeling :(. Perhaps i was not ready especially travelling in the rush hour. I am really pleased your back to work and hopefully this will be the turning point for you.
Can understand that you get anxious its only natural.
But you have done very well and congratulations big cheers Please God may you continue to go from strenght to strenght.
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ive become fightened of geting on a bus or in a car
Terrible health anxiety 
Anxiety back again :(
