curious if anyone can relate?

[SadieAmelia]

I really hate how the mind can just attack you at any moment. I was at work today trying to conquer some fears. The first being just walking into the building and saying hi to the desk workers. Such a simple task, yet when I did it immediately after my mind just switched to your not good enough, you were awkward, they don't like you. Its hard to combat those thoughts even when I know none of it is true. Then, when I'm working my shift, I'm trying to be more outgoing, talk more, and try to be in the moment. And no matter what I do and how successful I am in doing those things, my mind immediately attacks, saying its not good enough and its never going to be good enough. My question is, why does none of my success feel good or worth anything? I know in my heart that when I made eye contact and smiled at the desk workers and said hello, I had just done something good and my encounter was a success, but why does it not feel that way? I guess my bigger thought on all of this is why does success feel embarrassing and repulsive? When I last spoke to my therapist, there was a moment where she was telling me how proud she was of me for progress that I had been making and all the good stuff I was doing, and as I was listening, I just felt angry because it was like everything she was saying couldn't be true, and I was so uncomfortable and embarrassed with her telling me that I was doing good. I felt like an imposter, and I was letting her down even though she was right there telling me the opposite. I just want to be able to feel happy when someone gives me a complement. But it's like my mind rejects anything positive and finds it repuslive. Anyway, enough with my rant; I was just curious if anyone else out there experiences this. Im hoping as I move forward in my journey I will learn how to accept praise again and use it as a motivator rather than see a compliment as shameful. I know its all about replacing those negative thoughts with positive ones. Even when I am in the darkest of dark places, I just hope that soon enough I will actually start to agree with what I'm forcing myself to say instead of it all just feeling like baloney.

[LoveforAll41]

Ah, this is so sad! 😥. I will echo the others in your life who have said you're doing great!

I still struggle with trying to earn worth from doing things if I am not very conscious of where my mind is going. Sometimes maybe it is a little okay at work, but boy is it a miserable way to live. Many people like to say we can only compare with ourselves yesterday and that is nice, but it doesn't work to make me more at peace.

I would highly recommend the "Mindful Self Compassion Workbook" by Kristin Neff and Christopher Germer. I used to like to think the "love yourself first" thing was for sissies, but it is the way to be. I am kind of there sometimes but I am at peace if I can just be nice to myself and accept myself. Maybe I am a stingy bastard and have a lot of money issues because of how I was raised, that is okay, let me live the life that I can live that way and if I need to I can work on changing it. Same goes for trying to find worth in acheiving, shouldering everyone's emotions, feeling like a failure for not having a house/degree... the list goes on.

Anyway SadieAmelia, I am sure there are many on here who can relate, you are not alone! Good on you for working on things consciously to change your life! ☮️

P.S. "Why does success feel embarrassing and repulsive?" that sounds like something to dig into with your therapist. Maybe your expectations of what it would be like are different? Maybe you are already down on yourself for thinking something should be easy and you had to work for it?...

[SadieAmelia in reply to LoveforAll41]

I really appreciate you sharing this. It’s comforting to know I’m not alone in this struggle. I totally get what you mean about trying to earn worth from doing things—it’s so ingrained that it feels automatic, even when I know it’s not how I want to live. I haven’t heard of the Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook, but it sounds like something I need to check out.

And yeah, you’re right—I should definitely bring up that ‘success feels embarrassing and repulsive’ thing with my therapist. I think there’s something deeper there about my expectations and self-worth. Thanks again for taking the time to write this, it really means a lot!

[ChristAlways]

Hi Sadie. I have pretty close to the same problem. I know what needs to be done but I get this overwhelming fear and dread when I think about it. I know I shouldn't, but it just keeps coming. I know that it is all a lie, but they come anyway and are a torpedo! Imposter syndrome is the worst, not to mention the feeling of not being worthy. It's killing me and my business. If this doesn't stop, I'm going to bankrupt soon.

[RaphaelAA]

Yes, I relate with everything that you are going through. Second-guessing myself, doing an autopsy on my interactions with others. Negative thoughts that creep into my mind and suddenly I'm full-on putting what I know now is an absurd take on things. But it's more than that.

What I've learned is if I'm genuine, authentic with my pleasantries and interactions, I don't have to and shouldn't look back. I can't control what people think. Most probably, once in a blue moon, someone might take something the wrong way, but I have no idea and frankly, if I was civil, decent, it's on them. Meaning, because they are insecure or having a bad day or cynical, they impose something negative upon your benign act or pleasantry. You haven't merited this, nor can you control it. The vast majority of people would be lifted by your smile.

Your are giving away your power when you parse these things. Be lifted by the interaction. If the person doesn't return in kind, try not to take offense. It's not you, but them. Silently wish them a better day. You never know what's going on behind closed doors or if someone is just busy or distracted.

Disciplining yourself not to do this will be tricky at first, but don't give up. I feel it probably has to do with a small but heavy handful of things. In the meantime, softly and silently, simply say, nope, stop, don't--like a safe word that represents what all that means to you. (E.g. I'm well-meaning; it's sometime's impossible to guess correctly what someone else is thinking; I'm walking forward into my day, etc.)

I believe you are carrying something that long ago, made you question yourself. SO many people are in this boat, we just can't see it sometimes When did this start? Why are your successes so hard for you to accept and why do you 180 them sometimes to sabotage what you should be feeling? Do you have guilt, shame and perfectionism inside you? Hardwired? Very important things to autopsy so you can dis-empower them. So they don't control you.

I would ask my therapsit to help me with this. I grew up in a culture of shame and perfectionism, although back then, it wasn't apparent to me. It can be subtle and insidious. But wherever it came from, my take is that is that your self-esteem is very low and your shame is very high and that must be exhausting for you. You need to be aware of all the wonderful things inside you. You need to be kind to yourself and love yourself. You are beating yourself up. Stop.

Speaking of perfectionism, this will take work, you will slip backward a bit, but don't give up. I used to have the knd of mindset of, "Well, it's been three weeks now, and I'm struggling just as much as before!" You will have successes you don't even realize. Slowly, then more quickly, you will make your mind behave (you'll still experience it a bit--we are all human and don't let it scare you, just apply the same tactics). You will be gaining strength but may not feel it for a while. Have confidence and faith in your efforts, and have a good, strong handful of things that will enable you to be free from this and blossom. And give yourself a pat on the back when you resist autopsy and get a lift yourself from doing something kind or just being decent or doing a good job.

Sadie Amelia, I wish you peace, success, confidence and all that you deserve!

[marsbarr in reply to RaphaelAA]

That reply was awesome.

[Starrlight]

I do it too and my therapist tells me to catch the negative thoughts and learn by replacing each with positives.