Friend problem

[Nairam__]

Hello,

I have no one to talk to and I hope someone here can offer me some advice. Sorry if this is long. My friend and I met last year at our job, we started getting close, and eventually, we just started hanging out and he became one of my closest friends, my only friend in town actually. He helped me a lot with different things, and we always hung out. There were a lot of times though when he would cancel on me in plans we created to be with his partner, which is fine as I support his relationship but this relationship was toxic, they have broken up before because this partner was misgendering him, and laughing at videos with the N-word (he's white) so I never said anything about them getting back together because my friend gets defensive, so I always just listened and was supportive. I noticed that whenever I would speak about my trauma with a relationship he would just tell me to get over it and groan if I ever brought it up, so I never did anymore. I never told him anything about how it made me feel because I was scared of losing him as a friend, because I could see past all of that, I really care about him.

In December though, I went to Mexico to visit my family and was there for about 3 weeks, before my trip we had plans to meet to give each other our Christmas gifts but he canceled on me to see his partner again so we didn't meet. During Mexico, I never reached out to him because my internet over there pretty much was nonexistent. On the day when I was at the airport to go back, he texted me asking if I was going to come back soon and if we could hang out, and of course, I said yes. I was excited to see him, but he canceled because he was going to go see his partner and lied to me about being sick so I just texted him "feel better"

A few days later we bumped into each other in school and I was really happy to see him and gave him a hug for New Year but it seemed like it was one-sided because the air felt very awkward and only I seemed happy, and he left rather quickly and I did too. A week later, my grandfather passed away, and I did not have the motivation at all to speak to anyone, I was heartbroken and still am. Two weeks later I am still heartbroken. Now I wonder if my friend is mad at me, this might sound stupid but my friend always engaged with anything that I posted on instagram and he is very active (always posting stories, literally every day) 4 days ago, I posted something in honor of my grandpa, I have not heard anything back (I did not post so I could get a response but I remember him mentioning that he ignores people on ig if he is upset with them) 2 days ago I decided to go to his house and leave my Christmas gift on his doorstep, I didn't knock or text because I was a little scared, I can't handle talking about grief to others or explain my reasoning as to why I am not talking to people. Again I have not heard anything from him, I even passed by to see if the gift was still there and it wasn't, should I contact him and ask if I did anything wrong or if I did anything to upset him? I fear he has been talking bad about me but I get confused because I don't think I did anything wrong towards him. I am stuck on what to do and any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you.

[Dolphin14]

Nairam_

I'm very sorry for the loss of your grandfather.

My first thought is perhaps your friend's partner is asking for limitations on your friendship? Any thoughts on that?

I wouldn't reach out to him. I think you have opened the door enough to let him know you are still a caring friend. He's making his choices and there isn't anything you can do about that.

I'm sorry you are hurting.

🐬

[Nairam__ in reply to Dolphin14]

Hello Dolphin 🐬

First I want to thank you for replying and thank you for the condolences. To answer your question I don't think his partner would put limitations on our friendship, the times I have hung out with them both, it's pretty clear that he allows my friend to have friends and he is not the jealous type. I hope I answered that correctly, and yea I think I will wait longer and if he doesn't want to hang out with me anymore then I will have to accept it, I just wish he told me the issue instead of saying nothing at all.

Thank you, I truly appreciate it.

[Dolphin14 in reply to Nairam__]

That makes sense, you know them better than I do.

I'm sure it's unsettling to not know why things ended. It's heartbreaking in my eyes. I'm so sorry

I see this one line written a lot

Silence is an answer. It makes me feel unsettled but it is the truth isn't it?

Wishing you the best as you work through this

[Cookie2217]

I am so very sorry about your grandfather passing. It seems that your friend cancels on you an awful lot unfortunately. Maybe he has depression and finds it hard to get himself out there? I don't know. Just a thought there. You seem to be in a one sided friendship if you ask me. From what you've said you've done nothing wrong to him for him to pull away as he is doing to you. I think he is treating you unfairly and not being a true friend to you especially now that you've had this huge loss in your life. Sometimes in life friendships fade if they're not watered if you know what I mean friendships are like flowers you have to pay attention to them to see them grow and it's just like that with friendships you have to nourish your friendships so they keep growing as well. You seem to be doing all the nourishment and he seems to be doing none of it. I would back off for a while especially now concentrate on yourself and your grief over your loss. My deepest condolences at this very sad time. 😔

[Nairam__ in reply to Cookie2217]

Hello Cookie2217,

Thank you. I also forgot to mention that before bumping into each other at school, I was outside and saw a car that looked like his but I couldn't see who was inside due to the glare and I just looked at it but maybe he got upset with me for not saying hi? Idk I think I am overthinking on that one, but yes unfortunately they fade, I just wish I knew what caused it so I can try to repair it but maybe it's for the best. I appreciate your reply, it means a lot to me, thank you for the condolences.

[Cookie2217 in reply to Nairam__]

I once had a best friend go out with me one night when we were picking her up night after night on the weekends to go out and she had to take an Uber and I guess she got upset about that but anyway she got drunk as usual and called me up screaming at me that she had to be out in the parking lot by herself. I told her I didn't even see her leave and I didn't. We were friends for a very long time and that night she stopped talking to me and it's really bothered me but it's not me it's her. I put my all into my friendships and if they don't work out it definitely hurts me. I care more about her than she did about me it seems and I just have to live and learn from that situation. They say if you can count your best friends on one hand you're a very lucky person. I can. I have three girls or four girls that are my close circle of best friends and that's it. It's a lot better that way because it's about quality not quantity.

[optimismrus]

I'm sorry you're grieving a special person in your life. And to top it off, a friendship that's not supportive. A friend is not a friend if you cannot disagree openly. Hiding our real feelings diminishes our self respect. That's the last thing we need. If we practice being our own best friend; doing things we like to do, reading books that inspire us, being with nature, joining groups or taking classes that we're interested in... not only will we make ourself happier and stronger, we will eventually attract other like minded people. And really, that's who we want for friends. Hope you'll feel better soon. 🥰

[Nairam__ in reply to optimismrus]

Hello optimismrus,

Thank you so much for the condolences, its very unfortunate :/. This whole friend thing is unfortunate too, I loved having him as a friend because I have been alone for the longest time and now I am back to being lonely again, it sucks but I should do things that I like and hopefully meet more like minded people. Its sad to do them on my own but I have to start somewhere, thank you so much for your words.