Not my circus, not my monkeys

[Bigoldogsmiles]

I was in a peer support group last week and I was explaining that I want peace and calm in my life. One of the group members used the term, not my circus, not my monkeys. This really hit a cord with me. I have had very angry, bitter and complainy people around me for a long time. These people seem to have constant drama going on in their lives. Sometimes, they would try involving me in their drama. For a long time I would listen to them complain, because I thought I was being a good friend. The problem with these chaotic people is that they never had time to listen to me because of their constant drama. After a while though, that anger and bitterness they carry, rub off. They also left me feeling mentally and emotionally drained. There is nothing calm or peaceful about these relationships. Recently though, I have let go of these people.

My life has become quieter and calmer. I still struggle with C-PTSD and anxiety, but I am healing. Letting go of these people was hard but necessary. If I want a calm and peaceful life, I have to be calm and peaceful myself. I also have to be careful of who I associate with.

The term, not my circus, not my monkeys reminds me that it's ok and necessary to set personal boundaries.

[Cheetahone]

Hi Bigoldogsmiles,

I’m glad you set boundaries that protect yourself from others negativity. It’s a life saver.

When I was a teen, all my childhood friends (and I) were into drugs and alcohol. I realized that I had to leave them all and take care of myself. I quit the drugs and drinking and stopped hanging with them. That led to a bout of depression but I kept the boundaries and focused on my education and working.

That was the best decision I’ve ever made. I finished college, and had a successful career. All my childhood friends never finished high school and most of them died young from heroin use.

Keep the boundaries and save yourself, which I’m glad to say you figured that out for yourself. Great ideas.

[Bigoldogsmiles in reply to Cheetahone]

Thank you Cheetahone for sharing your story and for your support.Kudos to you for making such a wise and brave decision as a teen. My story is similar with the exception that I held onto one long term friend who is currently an alcoholic. After 50 yrs of friendship, I had recently put it on pause because I realized that we really have nothing left to offer each other. Our life choices have taken us down different paths and I can no longer relate to her. Nor she to me.

Thank you again!

[Cheetahone in reply to Bigoldogsmiles]

You’re welcome. And, my father was an alcoholic and they can be very abusive and unpredictable.

Take care.

[Bigoldogsmiles in reply to Cheetahone]

Thank you

[OllyBlue in reply to Cheetahone]

My father is an alcoholic as well as a couple of my friends... I don't talk to my father anymore & I hardly talk to those friends. Bigoldogsmiles You made the right decision & I love that expression! I've also recently taken it to heart. 💙

[tiggra in reply to Cheetahone]

You did the right thing. Surrounding yourself with positive people is much better for you, plus a group that will encourage you, not judge you is what you need.

[Dolphin14]

Bigolddogsmiles

I went through this same thing in a group setting. No one was getting better, they just kept up the drama and loved to have the lime light.

The .... not my circus... comment is an odd one for a group support setting. Were they suggesting you to use that quote to help you through the family issues?

In my eyes that would be the statement telling me it was time for my exit.

Boundaries are huge. I just set one with a neighbor and she opted not to speak to me. That's her choice. My peace is key

Wishing you the best

🐬

[Bigoldogsmiles in reply to Dolphin14]

Hi Dolphin14,The person mentioning the quote was saying this is something their mother used to say when someone was trying to involve her in their drama.

I feel very blessed to have a wonderful support group and all of you fine people on this forum.

Thank you for your support Dolphin14!

[Dolphin14 in reply to Bigoldogsmiles]

This place is a life line. Just to be able to say what's going on and someone has a story of their own to speak to.

Keep up the good work

[Bigoldogsmiles in reply to Dolphin14]

Thank you

[WildFire7]

I agree! Where I work that will often happen with others wanting support for an issue, when some of the team get overwhelmed by this, our manager reminds us of the same thing, but she words it as, "Not my crisis, not my problem." Not meaning that we cannot help people out, but only if we have the capacity to due so and to remember that we do not owe our time and help to anyone else. It was a hard thing to realize as I would often feel selfish for this, but if I was putting other peoples issues above my ability to stay calm and at peace, I was not really in a position to help anyone.

[SayNOtoPanic in reply to WildFire7]

Thanks for sharing this. So relatable. Especially when you care to help. Balance is so important but gets lost sometimes.

[punkster]

I'm with you on this one. Years ago I had a few friends who had endless problems. I decided to let them go as my friends. I don't mean that my friends don't have any problems. Everyone has problems. However, those who have endless problems and don't seem to want to do anything about them are not my friends. I have enough to deal with in my own "circus".

[Bigoldogsmiles in reply to punkster]

Hi Punkster,Thank you for sharing. These are exactly the kind of people I am talking about.

[casablancalover14]

Hi, sometimes you have to cut ties with people, even if it hurts to do that. I have been in situations like that, and when I stopped hanging around them, I felt a calmness settle over me. That is such a great feeling.

[Bigoldogsmiles in reply to casablancalover14]

Thank you for sharing Casablancalover14. I agree. I recently let go of a few family members because the only time I heard from them is to involve me in some kind drama or to try to use me as a go betweem because some members aren't talking to each other. I decided if that's the only reason I hear from them, I would just rather not at all. I feel so much better off for it. No regrets whatsoever!

[casablancalover14 in reply to Bigoldogsmiles]

That's good to hear. I hate confrontations, but sometimes you have to stand up for yourself. Love hearing from you!🙂🙂🙃