Trapped in My Own Head

[DistressedPoe]

So. I'm 19 and I've been getting anxiety since I was 11. All this time, I've been doing okay, I guess. Maybe not. But I've been pulling through !! I've never tried getting treatment (because honestly I'm too scared to find someone who's not very nice and make my condition worse. Stupid I know but it's a fear. I finally decided to go see a professional soon though !). I get anxiety attacks every now and then. They usually center around the idea of me doing something in the future I don't want to do. It doesn't always have to be something bad. But if it feels out of place with my personality, I feel afraid and frantic and fight hard to keep the integrity of my thoughts and feelings. But I feel like...every time I do that, I get more and more obsessive with the idea. I get scared. I start to avoid things. I feel like I constantly need reassurance. I always want to have someone with me. Even when I'm calm, if I'm still in an anxious period (lasts for a few weeks) I tend to be afraid over WHY I'm calm. Whether I'm calm because I've caved in. Whether this means I'm changing. I get so afraid. Sigh....I'm exhausted. Usually how I cope is by getting busy, seeing friends, talking to a loved one, etc but now I've moved in with my parents for a while after college ended. University starts in 6 months and I have nothing to do. I'm not always like this though. I'm a good listener and I can be pretty realistic and rational. So I guess...hit me up ? Maybe while I speak to someone, I can calm down too. I just...want this to end. I'm scared it won't or it'll leave me feeling hollow.

[Kat63]

I feel the same way a lot of the time. It’s like the anxiety is always floating around in my head, and it looks for something to attach to.

I’m in a scary situation myself. I lost my job 7 weeks ago, and in a few days I’m moving back in with my boyfriend. We have known each other 17 years; we had problems, but we have agreed to try to work things out and try again.

Not having anything to do for 6 months could be tough on you. Have you thought about looking for a temporary job, or doing some volunteer work? I know it helps me to get out of the house and see other people.

[DistressedPoe in reply to Kat63]

Thing is, I don't know if I can get a job here. Because they have strict laws about who they let work. I'm in a foreign country 😅 honestly I miss home. I feel fine but I'm always scared I'll feel panicked again soon. And I'm just in this constant state of being afraid. I'm usually okay but damn, being idle makes me so exhausted.

You're lucky you at least have your boyfriend. What I wouldn't give to be with the boy I love.... We're friends but...I had to move away so I never really told him or initiated a relationship. I wish I had because even through a screen, if I had him I'd feel better. We talk a bit but he's so busy with university he barely has time. Sigh.

Everyone at home has a work or school. I feel envious. I wish I had classes/work and friends too. We're in a pretty small town and there isn't much to do here. Plus I'm not really good at making friends with random people on the street. And they're all...somewhat older. I don't know where people in my age range are. I never see them. Maybe because their uni started early and they're not in town anymore (everyone here studies overseas). I just...I just want to talk to someone. And distract myself. Somehow, talking about my anxiety reminds me how everything in my head is fake and it calms me.

[Kat63 in reply to DistressedPoe]

How much can you talk to your parents about this? Sometimes parents can help.

[DistressedPoe in reply to Kat63]

Not much...I don't think they'll understand. I've tried to. They just sort of...tell me to try and step out of my anxiety. But I don't know how to explain to them that, I don't need suggestions on what to do. I know those. I just need someone to listen to my story. Without judgement. Without any bias. Without worrying EVEN MORE than I do. They're worried and I can see that. It makes me feel worse to worry them.

Plus, I've spoken to my brothers. They tell me I'm fine. That I'll be okay. That what I think about isn't real. But I just...I just wanna talk. I don't want to bother them again and again over the same thing. Sigh...that's kinda why I'm on here.

[Kat63]

Your anxiety and your fears and your feelings are very real to you. I think what they’re trying to say is that your feelings might not accurately reflect the facts of what’s going on in your life right now.

If you can get this book, I recommend it - it’s called Feeling Good by David Burns. It has exercises you can do to counteract the kinds of thought that are probably going through your head.

[DistressedPoe in reply to Kat63]

Yeah...I guess so. I suppose I'll be alright in the end. I always am

Thank you for responding.

[Kat63 in reply to DistressedPoe]

These feelings you have will not last forever. I know it probably feels like they will, but feelings are not facts, and they are not permanent.

[frommywindow]

I absolutely get that. I can't even remember a time without my anxiety and panic attacks, so after I finally started taking meds, I felt empty. Like my anxiety had been such a huge part of my life that without it, I felt like I was missing a part of myself.

I didn't know how to function without being afraid all the time. Thats when my depression started to get worse.