Sometimes I can't even enjoy the small things. I struggle so often, I'm really making an effort but I keep feeling cheated by unfortunate circumstances I can't control. To a degree, I've learned to be mindful of what I do have and accept many difficult things I cannot change... but that's kind of the problem, there's so much I can't change and I'm miserable in life.
I'm not suicidal like I have been in the past but days like today leave me wishing I didn't have to suffer. I don't want to die, I don't want to suffer and I'm putting in the work- shouldn't there be some kind of option!?
I read people's posts and I can relate, but too often I don't know what to say, or I worry what I say isn't the right thing.
I know the future might offer nicer days and with enough time and the patience that I no longer have, things could work out. I just wish things didn't seem like a choice between suffering and suicide.
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EndUser13
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Suffering and suicide or waiting while suffering.... waiting is so hard ... I’m having trouble waiting.... I just recalled something ... after every difficulty comes ease.... but you know I’m pissed off tired of the difficulty and I bet you are too. I hope you find something beautiful while you wait for the good.. do you have good times?
I'd like to think I do, but it seems like such a struggle to enjoy the little things. Maybe I just need to be pissed off and disappointed with the world for a bit.
🤣 I'd really like to go plink with my .22 rifle, nothing destructive or harmful to anyone else... just good, safe fun. I live in the middle of nowhere and yet everything is private property in some way.
It's a shame magazines don't have more heft to them with that satisfying crunchy noise of destruction, all while retaining the same ease of clean-up!
I get this urge too from time to time of smashing things against a wall or just smashing things generally. I feel so frustrated with my anxiety and regular panic attacks.
Kind of, I know if I could go into some kind of stasis some problems would be waiting for me when I returned and I also might miss out on some nicer things in life.
Difficult times can make us stronger people too, I really do try to see the value even in struggling with things or having a bad day. If only that made it easier
I just can’t take this feeling in my body anymore. Or the suicidal ideation. I feel like I’m becoming distant to others. Like it’s harder to connect. Yeah a break with no stressors- I may sleep. How are you?
I can’t sleep anyway...I wish ... nah my schedule is sleep around somewhere around 9-10 wake up at like 4 or 5. Do you remember your dreams when you sleep?
I dont know if this helps but I always try to remind myself that future is never certain. Just becuase we are suffering now does not mean we will suffer in the future. Obviously, we could still potentially suffer in the future but becuase the future is never certain there is no rule of the universe that says things can't get better. There is always a potential in the universe for a better tommorow and nothing can ever remove this possibility. As a side note, I love your avatar. Courage the cowardly dog was such a good show.
EndUser13, I've seen your posts and I think you reply very well. I often feel like you do, thinking about what might have been. Treatment of other people who don't know me well at all became a problem for me last year. I often sulk over the unfairness of that.
I too try to remind myself of the many positive things in my life, but it doesn't always work. I can't seem to bring up your profile, so I don't have your back story. I would advise you that the dark alternative to keeping on trying is never a good option.
I think the song title that describes my lfe recently is ' I Get Knocked Down, but I Get Up Again '.
A quote I really took on board recently also was from Hypercat
Yes, there are days when I just want an off-switch and to be wearing Teflon so I can let that S#@t go. It is nice that you are mindful that there are things out of our control. I would love to finally get a return on all the work. My concern for you, and me, is that #1 we really have not convinced ourselves, deep down, that we are worth it. So much so that the energy produced pushes us to change and #2 we have not found replacement behaviors that we buy into. I started a gratitude journal, but after a few weeks, I just wanted to vent. The science behind it is solid. I have not found the right type of therapy. There are so many kinds.
You are worth the effort to keep fighting. I listened to a fabulous podcast today on Pandora. After 2 hours listening to Gabor Maté, I scrolled ahead in the Untangled Chanel and found Mindfulness for Curious Humans. Judson Brewer - Unwinding Anxiety, Breaking bad Habits from March 16, 2021. It was a very interesting episode about reflecting on a bad habit. My pessimism and always seeing those negative events and their impact on me was my habit.
I used to go so far as believing no good deed goes unpunished, but it has been a while since I believed that. I am really trying hard to reframe negative events. I need a lot of help doing it. You can do it, too.
I am recovering from a car accident, so walking is not in my near future. I did get vaccinated, so ✓ that obstacle off the list. I love macrophotography. I ko longer have a camera that can do it, though. Glad you have some outlets.
OK this is definitely not uplifting! This seems to be my constant state but you expressed it better. But for me there is a continuum. Some days closer to one than the other. Been working hard not to think much of the future. Just needs or I want to do today. Have no hope future will be better but maybe I can make today a little better. Not even looking further ahead.
I'm sorry to hear that, I hope you are able to find the occasional nice little thing to help make it all balance things out. Despite my problems, I really do try to enjoy the little things, it helps me cope
I have been spending some time learning about Stoic philosophy. Even 2000+ years ago they were talking about surrounding yourself with the people who you want to emmulate, who will build you up, who will help you grow and succeed.
I imagined it like their good traits and habits are going to "rub off on me". I know for sure that if someone I know is being a grumpy ass, that it will sour my mood.
It's understandable how someone can have a hard time finding hope for the future when most days feel like suffering, or the suffering goes on for too long. I'm more surprised someone couldn't understand how this feels and I envy whatever support system you must have.
I like the ideals you have, but if you have nothing to go on and can't relate, where do you start? It's disheartening to keep trying, keep failing, and wonder what you're supposed to take away from that, just as it's hard to be positive if you see far too much failure.
I'm not sure how to reach these nice ideals without going through suffering and trying your best to appreciate what you have. I feel like this is similar to telling a depressed person to "just cheer up". It's a good idea but if you need to know how to do so, or at least some decent hints to point you in the right direction.
You seem to be a very insightful and honest person. In many ways it is encouraging because you obviously understand what it feels like to be truely low. We need that understanding. So thank you for sharing how you feel. Im really sorry life has been so hard for you. I hope you know it is inspirational for one's like yourself who suffer so much to keep going and not give up. Please know you arent alone. I know its not always easy to find ones who understand but there are ones who truely do. Thank you.
EndUser13, I was simply sharing some recent experiences I was learning about.
I have been in the lowest of low places with no hope for the future. I have had days where I could not get out of bed. I forget to eat and drink. I left a job I was well trained for and well experienced in because it made my depression so bad I did not want to survive the day. I would have punched the next person who told me to "smile it's not that bad" or "cheer up" as if it is an on-off switch.
I am 50. I had a major car accident in March of 2020 at the beginning of the plague. I have had a lot of time to think. 4 surgeries, non-stop pain, limited mobility, limited job prospects, and possibly 1 more surgery does not give me a.lot to look forward to.
I don't have any local support system. My neighbor has been my closest person who supports me, but she is 76 with multiple myeloma. I have intentionally kept my family out of this part of my life. I have, however, continued with my psychiatrist, my CBT therapist, and found a coach online who introduced me to stoicism and many other strategies.
So, no, I don't have the luxury of being on a high horse. I will tell you that as low as you feel, it can get better. You do have to search for it. It might be inner child work, CBT talk therapy, neurolinguistic therapy, hypnotherapy and meditation, medication cocktails, or exercise to lower cortisol and increase endorphins.
Listen to podcasts or YouTube videos from Jay Shetty, Lewis Howes, Gabor Maté, Mel Robbins, Ryan Holiday, or Lisa Feldman Barrett.
You had said earlier that you like photography. See if you have access to MeetUp.com and look for a local photography group. You can share your knowledge and maybe gain from theirs.
My physical recovery will be about two years. The driver had insurance, but not much, so I am not awaiting a financial windfall. I would be making over $100,000 had I been able to survive that first job. My tax returns were at $13,000 this year. I will lose my house soon.
I have rage building inside. If I let it, it will consume me. I have enough pain killers here to take down an elephant. I am chosing not to. The little tidbits I am pulling together is holding me together.
Everyone who is replying to you in this forum is your support group, now, until you build a new one. I hope you find a little peace in that. You sound like a very logical person, in a lot of pain. Use that strength and make it more powerful than the emotional responses.
Do you journal? For every entry you are just venting, be suse to follow it with
1. Something that made you smile
2. Something you're grateful for
3. Something that you did well
Those balance out the negative emotions. If you want to PM me, we can chat more privately.
I try to remind myself what I am grateful for rather than what I am miserable about, it really helps.
In my own way, I can understand rage, not simply anger but rage. I had a chat with a friend recently who, like me, has PTSD and when it comes to being pissed off sometimes you just need time to let it burn out, otherwise little things that shouldn't bother you will end up pissing you off far beyond a healthy degree. I don't like who I am when I'm angry or when I don't cope with my anxiety issues well.
I appreciate your response and I'm sorry to hear about your misfortunes, I hope things work out better for you sooner rather than later
May I ask what the PTSD stems from? I went through that, too.
The gratitude's will help. Do you write them down? You can also use them as part of meditation. I made a vision board. The sides are full of quotes, meditations, reminders about gratitude. The center is my target about how I want to picture my life.
After 30 odd years, I am still discovering parts of me that I need to let go of...a work in progress, I'd say. 😉
You know I should really do that... your vision board, and put it somewhere I can see it all the time, that's a good idea. I have lots of good advice for myself I never follow though 🤣
Ah, we are all a work in progress huh? At least you're making an effort, that's whats important.
My PTSD comes from years of being in abusive situations, I've told my story to a number of people who didn't believe me, there's just no way all that happened to one person... meh, oh well. I deal with it relatively well, with the exception of panic attacks
Best wishes to you. My PTSD is from having bosses who were bullies and did not believe people with depression and anxiety belonged teaching, so they made my day-to-day miserable. No comparison, but same impact. I will never teach again after 20 years and a Masters degree.
I did seek out a lot of help in the last year, so I am definitely not doing it alone. Peace.
I’m sorry for your pain but I’ve been where you seem to be. I didn’t WANT to think I was suicidal but I thought about it. After plenty of suffering I did check in to the hospital. I stayed a week and came home with medication. The doctor sure knew his mental health medication. So now I’m much better. Life seems so much better! I no longer have depression or anxiety. Medication really helps !!!
Congrats, that's really great! I have tried a great number of medications over the years, which in itself can be a struggle so I can't overstate how great it is that you find something that helps!
I think we can all relate that's for sure. I try and involve myself with things that uplift me and give me motivation. Then, somehow I enjoy the small things more and more and it becomes more often. Feel free to PM me if you want to chat or need resources. It took me a while to get there so I am always happy to share tips and tricks that have helped me. Oh and trust me I still have my days where I want to release steam and there is nothing wrong with that As long as it doesn't harm you or anyone else
Thank you I appreciate that. I have my good days and my bad days like anyone else. About three years ago I was in a relatively good place, I lived somewhere I could get out and I walked around this little town every day. I strive to get back to a similar sort of life, though some days are just overwhelming.
Hi EndUser13.I really felt for you reading your post. My heart reaches out to you.
I have a daughter who is the same so I totally understand. The difference is she lives in appalling living conditions with rotten neighbours. They can hear everything because the wall are so thin so she can't even cry or they laugh and jump up and down on the ceiling. She's just had 60% of her benefits taken off her because the DWP don't believe her or have a quota to shed. Who knows. What I do know is your not alone, there is always someone who cares if you live or die even if they are a total stranger. Always reach out if you feel at your lowest. I send you my very best.
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It took me a while to get there so I am always happy to share tips and tricks that have helped me. Oh and trust me I still have my days where I want to release steam and there is nothing wrong with that 
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