Need Someone, This is bad

[BigCatSkills]

So December my partner of 10 years broke up with me. moved out. not too far. left behind some things. It was as mutual as it could be, but still...

Then my car lost traction and hit a barrier. Cars gone.

Havent had a job in over a year. Been wrestling with depression and anxiety since before that but worse now. Tried content creation. Trying to go back to school.

So, over the last couple days, I've pretty much broken down. New Years classic looking back on the year was not good. I havent slept well in the last three days, just weird dreams and bad temperature regulation. Spent much of the last 3 days crying. It's probably good for me. I havent cried in a long long time.

I think I might be sick too. shivers. hot and cold.

Anyway, I was losing it yesterday. I texted everyone. I asked my ex to come over so I could just see a human face. They love me, so they stayed over, to keep an eye on me. We hung out a bit. We cried.

But now they are gone, and I am hollow. The moment they left a familiar feeling crept into me, the breakup feeling, missing someone. As the night goes on, getting darker and colder, I dont think I'm going to benefit from lying in our bed again. I'm reaching out everywhere I can, but at some point, I'm going to have to find a solution, and that solution is just gonna be lying around with sadness beyond tears and waking nightmares.

What do I do?

[gajh]

I wish you could get a good night's sleep. Lack of sleep makes everything worse. I think it is good that you are reaching out.

[BigCatSkills in reply to gajh]

thank you. it was very hard to push myself to reach out.

I do wish I could get some sleep too. From my childhood, I've always lived in little rooms, where I jammed all my things. Homes and apartments with many other people. Often shared bedrooms. I could always hear someone else somewhere in the place, and I was surrounded by the things I love most.

Now I have an empty bedroom, with an empty bed, in an empty apartment. Just big holes that remind me of what is gone. Feels like trying to sleep in a bad hotel.

[PadThaiNoodles in reply to BigCatSkills]

Do you have a weighted blanket? Really helps my daughter….

[BigCatSkills in reply to PadThaiNoodles]

there is one in the house, but it's never been a big help to me

[BigCatSkills in reply to PadThaiNoodles]

there is one in the house, but it's my ex's which kind of makes it worse. Not that I ever had much luck with it to begin with. I like a little weight but too much and I feel trapped

[gajh in reply to BigCatSkills]

[Hidden]

if you ever need to talk you can pm me— I started writing a response to your post but it sounded really impersonal and vague, which I feel like wouldn’t be helpful at all

[BigCatSkills in reply to Hidden]

it's so hard to know how personal or impersonal to be. I have so few filters any more. I feel like I'm trauma dumping all the time, but it just doesnt seem worth it to mince words or avoid subjects. Pretending everything is fine it how I got in this mess.

[Hidden in reply to BigCatSkills]

I think we might be cut from the same cloth my new friend- pretending just perpetuates and worsens whatever trauma(s) we let trying to but not really dealing with bc most of us don’t have a safe place or safe people to talk to—- welcome to a place where you’re allowed to express how you actually feel.

[BigCatSkills in reply to Hidden]

I'm surprised to find there are lots of people I can be honest with who will let me, but it still always feels like I'm asking too much

[Hidden in reply to BigCatSkills]

You’re asking for exactly how much you need, not too much