Last night and out of nowhere, I was deeply triggered and a memory from my childhood appeared.
It felt like it happened so fast and it felt like it came out of nowhere; I was just in it.
I cried uncontrollably and held myself as the memory expanded and I was attacked with the smells and imagery of what I experienced so many years ago.
I cried for my child self. The child self that saw and experienced something she shouldn’t have had to.
Some parts are so crystal clear and other parts I just cannot recall; like what happened afterwards, was it talked about, was I even properly consoled or was my trauma acknowledged in a real way.
I cried harder as I began to piece together the different points of trauma and pain that I experienced as a child. Little Me was and is so sad.
I didn’t know what to do with myself.
My Partner checked in when they noticed me crying, but prefaced it with the fact that they were unable to hear the details. So that left me... quiet and alone.
How can I talk about what I’m going through if I’m restricted from going into the details due to the sensitivity of the subject?
I felt closed off & unsupported in that moment.
I wish they could’ve said “I’d love to be there for you and know what’s going on so I can help, but the actual details are an issue/hard for me”.
But I know I can’t control others’ actions.
I know how lonely this healing journey can be.
I also know so much is going on in the world and how much responsibility my partner has on their shoulders.
But I needed my partner.
I needed someone in that moment and felt like the visual of what I was experiencing was enough to clearly show that I really needed help, consoling, and someone to talk to in that moment.
Bringing it up today only brought forth an ugly argument.
I’m at a loss and feel alone.
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Trauma recall is so difficult. The only place I can discuss it is with my therapists and MD.
I'm sorry you didn't get what you really needed at the time. Love and understanding. It could have been fear on your partners end. Taken off guard by seeing your pain and not knowing what to do.
The best thing you can do in that situation is let it be known what you need. Try and discuss this now versus waiting for an acute time when emotions are heightened.
Some people are not able to process others stuff, it's just very sad your partner is one of them. It's something you have to either accept as part of the limit’s in your relationship, or it will drive you apart in the long run because you feel betrayed in a sense that they are not able to be there for you when you need them. But on the other hand....this may trigger something in their memories. So if you sought outside help in this, and were able to accept this about your relationship, then you would probably be better off in some ways because having a professional to guide you would be a better move.
There's also the possibility that your partner just can't handle the thought of someone they love being hurt so badly and there is nothing they can do to change that, or fix it....they feel helpless. But whatever their reasons...if they cannot talk to you about it....then that is something you guys for sure should find ‘some’ way to talk about so you don't feel hurt.
I really appreciate your reply as well fauxartist, thank you ✨
That was a double whammy. I've been in that situation and the partner's reaction supersedes the initial triggered memory. At the time I was miffed at the refusal to make any comment. In retrospect I see he didn't want a real relationship, just the pretence of one.
I agree with fauxartist, you need to understand why he responded as he did. Otherwise it gets shelved in the bad section of the relationship cupboard, and ferments over time.
I am sorry you are feeling so alone. You have us here. I don’t know if you are presently in therapy and have that support available.
It sounds like you experienced something very important. I’ve been there and because I have, I do think I get it.
Have you tried to journal ? I found that writing helped me.
I am not sure other people would understand the significance of the feeling and image you experienced. Sometimes it seems to fall flat when we try to explain it to someone. Yet to us it may seem profoundly meaningful. So in that way we are alone.
It sounded as if you had feeling, tears and compassion for yourself as a child. That is an important piece of learning to love yourself.
I can understand how you would want someone to be with you I am sure acknowledgement of your sadness and some physical contact as you said, would have helped. Be sure to communicate your needs with your partner.
Partners will often not understand it fully and perhaps never will, however they can lend support.
I wish you the best. Keep working on things . Knowledge about ourselves and our feelings will serve us well in life.
Sometimes people who don't understand trauma say things that come across as insensitive. Often times, it is not due to any maliciousness on their part. They just don't see how their behavior is problematic and, when confronted, may become defensive because they think you are making a big deal out of nothing. I imagine you felt unsupported in that moment, and your feelings of being upset are perfectly valid. However, it might be good to bring up the issue gently again at some point-I say "gently" not to tone-police or invalidate any feelings of anger or disappointment with your partner, but because it can help the person being confronted to be less defensive in response. If they are willing to listen, then hopefully, they will apologize and do better later. If not, then there may be seem deeper relationship issues that need to be explored. I'm sorry you had to deal with this. Hopefully, our society will soon get to a place where we are better-educated about trauma and the needs of trauma survivors.
It's true. A lot of times I try to explain my pains and hurts and I sometimes get misunderstood. Later I try to recall the way I placed my words only to find out I said the right thing the wrong way and at the wrong time. But a lot of times, talking to Jehovah is usually the right option (this doesn't mean you should not reveal your struggles to your partner, in fact the Bible says you are better off to have a friend than to be all alone... If you fall, your friend can help you up. But if you fall without having a friend nearby you are really in trouble). He understands our hurts, he brings out meaning from confused situations. And he wants us to talk to him freely, telling him our hurts and pains.
He understands us even when we don't know what to say, he has a purpose behind every problem, and "He is faithful. He will keep the temptations from becoming so strong that you can't stand up against it. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you do not give in to it".
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Extreme trigger warnings
Trigger Warning: Do I really want to keep going?
Death - TRIGGER WARNING
Trigger warning- abuse/childhood abuse
