Last night and out of nowhere, I was deeply triggered and a memory from my childhood appeared.
It felt like it happened so fast and it felt like it came out of nowhere; I was just in it.
I cried uncontrollably and held myself as the memory expanded and I was attacked with the smells and imagery of what I experienced so many years ago.
I cried for my child self. The child self that saw and experienced something she shouldn’t have had to.
Some parts are so crystal clear and other parts I just cannot recall; like what happened afterwards, was it talked about, was I even properly consoled or was my trauma acknowledged in a real way.
I cried harder as I began to piece together the different points of trauma and pain that I experienced as a child. Little Me was and is so sad.
I didn’t know what to do with myself.
My Partner checked in when they noticed me crying, but prefaced it with the fact that they were unable to hear the details. So that left me... quiet and alone.
How can I talk about what I’m going through if I’m restricted from going into the details due to the sensitivity of the subject?
I felt closed off & unsupported in that moment.
I wish they could’ve said “I’d love to be there for you and know what’s going on so I can help, but the actual details are an issue/hard for me”.
But I know I can’t control others’ actions.
I know how lonely this healing journey can be.
I also know so much is going on in the world and how much responsibility my partner has on their shoulders.
But I needed my partner.
I needed someone in that moment and felt like the visual of what I was experiencing was enough to clearly show that I really needed help, consoling, and someone to talk to in that moment.
Bringing it up today only brought forth an ugly argument.
I’m at a loss and feel alone.