My anxiety is so bad I’m anxious about writing this!🙁

[Spaz119]

Hi. I’m new here. I have had anxiety for my whole life. Daily chest pains, heart beating out of my chest and a pit in my stomach. I’m 52. I really. Can’t take it any more.

Where I live, the only places to go are pill pushers. They see you for 15 minutes and refill your pills and off you go. Once and awhile they say they will try and get me in to see the doctor. It’s been a few years and I have yet to see him. My friend had a great doctor who left the area so she has been going to this place for over 10 years and she has seen the doctor once.

I am on three different medications but I feel exactly the same. The only one that kinda works is Xanax but it makes me too sleepy to take much of a dose.

I am anxious about everything. I make a decision then panic and question it and reverse it. My whole life.

I always panicked whenever there is a change in my life. I cried for days when I started college.

I know the cause of a lot of this is because I was constantly questioned about anything I decided ; “suppose this happens or that happens. You would jump off a bridge if someone told you. People can sway you. “

I was an only child so I didn’t know better.

After strangling my confidence since childhood. This person, my mother, made me and my dad dependent on her....then dies and everything is my problem. My father used to give orders and they were followed. He didn’t even know how to write a check out!

Now, as a person with crippling anxiety, I’m the last one who should handling things and making decisions.

The last time my dad was in the hospital, they pretty much told me it was my problem and sent him home. Oh, I through it with the help of others, but I did spend hiding I’m the empty bathtub crying.

I swear it almost killed me. I would rather die then through that again....but guess what? I’m catholic so I can’t do that so I just suffer. Lost 20 pounds in three weeks because I could not eat.

Now i lost my job.

I spent my whole life waiting for the next bad thing to happen that I can’t enjoy the good times.

So, basically I’m screwed. I know all this horrible stuff has to happen (like my father getting sick again/dying) and I sit here waiting for it to happen.

And of course, this anxiety makes me depressed! 🤣

Thanks for letting me vent to people who understand and don’t look at me like I’m nuts.😮

The spaz (appropriate, no?)

[NadiaB]

I wish you all the luck. Try and be kind to yourself. Keep moving, breathing, and enjoy those small happy moments. Surround yourself with people that care for you.

[Spaz119 in reply to NadiaB]

Thanks. I’ll try. I wish all this crap was over.🙁

[Spaz119 in reply to Spaz119]

I just want peace.😐

[mysterymuse]

I'm sorry you've suffered so much. Have you ever tried CBD oil for anxiety? My husband has had intense, daily anxiety for his entire adult life and hates taking pills, so he tried CBD and says that it is the only thing that has helped him.

[Spaz119 in reply to mysterymuse]

I don’t need a script for that, do I? I can’t remember.

[mysterymuse in reply to Spaz119]

Nope! There are many places online and in stores where you can get CBD. Google it and try it out! It's natural and so much better than having the awful drowsy feelings you get with Xanax.

[Spaz119 in reply to mysterymuse]

Sweet. I’ll check it out. Ty

[Agora1]

Hi Spaz, you name would be very appropriate for many of us. x

It's not surprising in how much of our past catches up to us in adulthood.

I can relate to your mother questioning your decisions and not allowing you

to grow emotionally. I was not an only child but the first child. My sister has

none of the traits I do and yet brought up by the same mother.

Doubts were always put in my mind which made me feel incapable in doing

things on my own. Changes of any kind were near impossible to accept.

Some parents can overdo a good thing meaning well at the time. And then they

pass away and you are left to sink or swim. But let me assure you, it can be done.

You can and will become your own person by working on it. Actually you will be able

to make responsible decisions because you have no one knocking your confidence

down. I'm glad you reached out to us Spaz. You are not alone. You and I are not

the only ones brought up like this, many out there can relate. The difference is

I have found myself and who I was meant to be. It's a good feeling to feel free and

not live with doubts about ourselves.

Together with this forum you will have the support and understanding you need

without judgment or put downs. You have found a virtual family who cares. xx

[Spaz119 in reply to Agora1]

I’m happy you’ve found yourself. It’s so wonderful to see I’m not alone but sad to think there are so many of us out there.

[Celtic27]

You've had a difficult life so far no wonder you're having problems with anxiety and proberley depression you've had to live with over bearing parents which has sapped all your strength! The fact your a Catholic might help do you say prayers daily or have you lapsed have you tried talking to the priest and get some councilling at least he won't try pushing you any meds! I really hope you can turn your life around make this the first day of the rest of your life take care david

[Spaz119 in reply to Celtic27]

My priest is from the Ukraine. Very hard and stoic people. Not that he isn’t nice and kind. He is, but when it looked like my dad might die he wasn’t very comforting. Kind of a shrug and “I think everything will work out”

My mother and her mother were the controlling ones. My dad just let them be the bad guys.

My mother and her mother were a whole other deal. Imagine not having one meal and only one vacation (30th anniversary) without grandma/mother-in-law. She was nasty too.

Thanks for listening

[Boxend]

Hi I hope your doing better. It seems to be a daily battle doesn't it? Some days I'm so depressed I sleep 24 hours luckily I am self employed and can do that as I cannot work a traditional job. And like you my anxiety seems to kick in at any little provacation, makes many days miserable. And also like you I am only given pills xanax and lexapro i have no insurance being self employed so no therapy. But i think the most important thing is that we know what's causing us these issues not the underlying problems but that we suffer from anxiety and depression. Knowing that and reading up on it we know the anxiety panic attacks suck but they won't kill us even when it feels like your having a heart attack. And depression is just as ugly a situation as any. But again you know mostly it's a none life threatening problem don't give in to thoughts that you know are irrational like hurting yourself or anything impulsive. Losing your dad is legitimate reason to be sad I lost mine also however much it hurts you have to think about them from their perspective and that is they would want you to think about all the good things about them. I think writing on here and other sites and joining groups on fb ect helps, you can vent your feelings and get replies. Taking or posting with others with the same issues seems to help me at least to know I'm not alone even though I isolate myself from the world as much as possible. I hope it helps you to read and correspond. And I hope your days get better and better.

[Spaz119 in reply to Boxend]

Thank you. My dad is still alive so I get to worry about that non stop.

[DrChereyle]

Hey Spaz119, I just to say that you’re never “screwed.” Take each day and issue one day at a time, even when it feels like the burdens are piling up. I would challenge you to find one thing to enjoy & unwind, even if it’s a warm bubble bath. Allow yourself to let go, if only for a moment. Anxiety can really be controlled with the proper tools. Has your doc ever tried buspirone?

[Spaz119 in reply to DrChereyle]

What is the brand name? I actually had genetic screening done to see what will and won’t help. No Prozac for me. I tried it before the test and was sick.

Let me think: celexa and Abilify didn’t work. Well Abilify did...but it made so tired I slept 10 hours. I’m on Wellbutrin, Xanax and whatever the brand name for Buproion Hcl is.

Nothing has ever worked for me. And when I’m in panic mode nothing helps but Xanax so I can escape in sleeping.

[DrChereyle in reply to Spaz119]

Buspar...Can you feel ur anxiety/panic coming?

[Spaz119]

The anxiety is constant. Never a relief. Now, it revs up when something bad happens. I can’t believe I haven’t passed or something. I swear I think a nervous breakdown would be great just to be sedated and not have to deal with anything. See...I’m hopeless🤣🤣🤯

[Dolphin14]

I think buspar and bupropion are different meds

Buproprion is Wellbutrin I believe

I've been on both and off both

[Spaz119 in reply to Dolphin14]

Yes. That sounds familiar. Doesn’t matter. Nothing helps. I’m too far gone🤣🤣🤣🤣

[DrChereyle in reply to Spaz119]

Have you tried reaching out to a Community Mental Health Center in your area? If not, that’s definitely an option. You can receive case management, individual/group therapy, med monitoring, crisis support and speak with the psychiatrist about any concerns you have about meds or tx. You have a whole tx team assisting with your care vs one doctor who may be focusing on numerous things.

[DrChereyle in reply to Dolphin14]

😂They definitely are & it IS Wellbutrin. My apologies, I read the comment quickly, the spellings are so similar, I guess my mind filled in the blanks! Multitasking at its finest!

[Spaz119 in reply to DrChereyle]

Damn. I replied to myself.😫 I did answer you (me).

Are you starting to see what I mean ?🤪🤪🤪🤪

[Spaz119]

Well that’s what I thought but most psychologists or psychiatrists are gone from the area, not on my list for insurance, or it takes 6 months to get an appointment and by that time🤪 There are basically two large groups that service the area. Where I go they have 6,000 patients.

What pissed me off is when I finally got the nerve to call they asked me if I wanted meds or therapy and I said both. So here I am spilling my guts to a PA who only gives meds. She is great but how much can she help in a 15 minute appointment?

I don’t know about group therapy but really think I need to torture someone on a one to one basis 😃

[DrChereyle in reply to Spaz119]

😂 They’ll only offer group therapy if you need it. That was a community mental health center? BTW, I love your sense of humor!

[Spaz119 in reply to DrChereyle]

No. It’s group of docs but 99% of the people are only given medication. How the hell bad do you have to be to get to a doctor?🤪

Like I said, I can’t see doing group therapy 🤐 and I would need the whole hour for myself if I did.

Thanks. I laugh through the pain😂

[Hidden]

I'm sorry your having such a hard time.

God bless.

[Spaz119 in reply to Hidden]

Thanks. One would hope after 30 or 40 years I would have gotten a grip on this. But🤪🤪🤪

[Fearoffear]

Spaz you are not alone by a long shot. My mom passed in 2010 she was our families rock, our everything. She had a stroke and passed 32 days later. I tried to become her "betty crocker, susie homemaker" self. For 6 months I cooked, cleaned made sure everyone was taken care of and of course not myself. Then it happened the nervouse breakdown. I was it everyone's new everything and I was mentally exhausted. I went to hospitals begged for admission and everyone said here have ativan and calm down go home sleep. Well 6 months later and we were homeless. I don't think I have ever fully recovered as I have a lot of anxiety at times still I am just fighting everyday with myself to except these feelings and move on. I will win this, breathing is an amazing tool. Meditate, take some time for self care, breathe and learn to laugh again as it makes the soul young again. Good luck and gentle hugs!!

[Spaz119 in reply to Fearoffear]

Wow. I shouldn’t complain. I hope things get better. I just wish I could have confidence.

[Fearoffear]

Everyone has a right to complain! Things get better all the time even after a setback it will get better again. Just trust better times are coming!!

[Spaz119 in reply to Fearoffear]

Let’s hope things get better. Sometime it just feels it will never stop🙁

[Spaz119 in reply to Fearoffear]

I can complain. Don’t you worry about that. Ask anyone🤬

But sometimes I realize how selfish I am and how good I really have it. Except for course being out of my ever lovin’ tree.

[Dolphin14]

Spaz119

I just wanted to say you have a wonderful sense of humor. Despite what you are dealing with some of your responses have me a chuckle and a smile.

Don't lose that, it will def help you through tough times.

[Spaz119 in reply to Dolphin14]

Thanks for listening. Most people would have run screaming into the night by now.😳

[Lindsey14]

I get how ya feel, best of luck to you❤

[Spaz119 in reply to Lindsey14]

Thanks. I didn’t know there were so many of us out there

[Lindsey14 in reply to Spaz119]

It can be relieving to know your not alone with it

[foxglove_pnw]

Hi Spaz !

Thanks for being vulnerable and opening up to this board !

I am so glad you are here !

I also struggle with self confidence since I was a child ! My anxiety has impacted me in so many ways .

Getting the right medication can make a huge difference! I am not sure where you live but keep searching for a good doctor.

I also have daily chest pains and let me tell you they are scary !

Be kind to your self !

You will find a lot of support on this board as well new friendships !

Hope to see you around !

Wishing you better days ❤️

[Spaz119 in reply to foxglove_pnw]

Well, I’m nothing if not vulnerable. Like a delicate 🌸 I wish meds would take edge off so I could at least think clearly🤪

[foxglove_pnw in reply to Spaz119]

I also can’t be myself if I am not vulnerable! I know it is easier online but in my opinion is worth out in the world !

Yes , the right meds make a difference ! Also good sleep !

[Spaz119 in reply to foxglove_pnw]

The only way I sleep is through the magic of Xanax 😴

[Calmonoutside]

My first day here, already finding comfort in community. Hope you find peace!

[Seeking098]

Maybe you need someone who cares and to talk too? Someone who is there til the end? I lost my best friend 6 years ago and the anxiety started. I feel alone and recently my relationship ended. I’m going they anxiety 10 xs a day. Horrible. Like u I really prefer not to wake up. The loss of my love leaving me has left me unable to eat or sleep for days now. I’ve lost 4 pounds in 3 days.

[Spaz119 in reply to Seeking098]

I’m sorry to hear about your breakup. Its horrible to suddenly be alone. You don’t feel part of the world anymore. It will be a tough time but eventually you’ll find yourself again.

I’m not sure I could pay someone enough to talk to me!

I have exhausted my friends. Sitting in a corner and banging my head against the wall seems to work 🤪