Bad day, think things are getting worse

[Kaytee1981]

I'm not doing so great at the minute, well I havent been since Monday when I last saw my mental health nurse, not sure if something she said hit a spot. Then I went on a training course Wednesday that reminded me that I'm not in work and how much I miss my job and also what a rubbish mum I am.

I've started self harming again - I'd all but stopped and if I did it was only on my leg as it's more discreet, now I've started on my arms again - good job its winter. Its getting to the point again where its more than once a day and I've been there before.

I feel particularly suicidal and couldn't give the person I spoke to on the phone earlier from the mental health team a simple yes or no if I had intent - I genuinely dont know anymore. I have taken several overdoses in the past one left me unconscious for 17hrs. I collected my medication today, I'm only allowed weekly medication so doubt I have enough to do anything but thoughts are moving away from overdose to other forms and to some extent it worries me but then it doesn't I feel just...rubbish.

I want this taken away - I didnt ask for it, I dont know what triggered it, it's such an unfair illness, it's gone on too long now, I'm so tired physically and mentally.

Bit of a moan but I have no where else to put my feelings down, I have no friends, my husband is at work and quite frankly at the end of knowing what to do, so putting it here hopefully will help me just a little.

[hypercat54]

Hi recovering is never a straight line so don't expect it to be. Therapy can be like taking one step forward and two back at times but it will help you if you persevere and you are going in the right direction so have faith in it.

Now make a decision - no more self harm as you are suffering enough at the moment and you don't want to add more. Set your mindset firmly on recovery and it will happen in time. Deal with your pain in a different way way such as punching a pillow, coming in here etc x

[Kaytee1981 in reply to hypercat54]

Thanks for your reply.

I dont feel im doing any recovery, my nurse just has a weekly chat - more if needed, like I'm in crisis but I'm waiting on a psychologist referral.

I keep checking here to take my mind off things, thanks for your suggestions 😊

[summersimmer]

Hello! I hope that it helped you to get your thoughts out and that you get professional help soon. I'm sure you're not a terrible mum since you are trying your best. Sending you love <3

[Kaytee1981 in reply to summersimmer]

No I really am a crap mum, postnatal depression has left me with a odd relationship towards my children unfortunately. It's just never been addressed.

[summersimmer in reply to Kaytee1981]

I'm sorry that your relationship with your children isn't the best. I don't think it's your fault though so please don't blame yourself. Do you plan to work on or are you working on your postnatal depression?

[Kaytee1981 in reply to summersimmer]

Its something that's been there along time. My daughters are 15, 11 and 8. I've been told it's not too late so hopefully it can be addressed

[summersimmer in reply to Kaytee1981]

I think it's never too late and you can still do something about it

I only started to actually get to know my mum when I was 17 and now we're like best friends because we realized that we really got along. (She was distant when I was growing up and was complacent when my father was abusing us.)

Basically, I think there's still hope <3

[Kaytee1981 in reply to summersimmer]

That's reassuring- thank you x

[NeuronerdDoaty]

Your job right now is to get healthy again. It takes all we’ve got.

Right now you need to switch to the rubber band on your wrist and a red marker.

And hey you’ve got us. You aren’t alone. Keep talking and getting it out. You can’t bottle it up. That’s dangerous.

You’re on the train with us and we’re getting to our destination. Sometimes it’s not pretty but we’re warriors and we win.

My grandma used to say she was tired to the bone. This is it. The thing is these feelings pass. Stay with us and let us help.

You are worthy. You are loved.

Doaty💛

[Arniestal]

Please don't harm yourself. This feeling will pass, don't think of any other job other than you. That's as much as you can have. I say this with tears running down my face, I've had enough too. But we have to stick in there, concentrate on each hour not days or weeks. X

[Kaytee1981 in reply to Arniestal]

Its sooo hard. I've seen my mental health nurse today and shes referred me to the crisis team for the weekend and got me lorazapam for when my anxiety is crazy bad.

[MARYRD27]

While you are waiting for the referral, have you tried any books that address your feelings? I have a great deal of anxiety and I've found the Anxiety and Phobia Workbook by Bourne to be of tremendous help. I'm sure there is a book out there that can help you. Have you tried doing a search on the internet? A good therapist and the right meds will help, but you can augment that with the right self-help book. Check out Dr. Edmund J. Bourne and see if he has a book that can help you.

[Kaytee1981 in reply to MARYRD27]

Tbh I'm not a great reader unless I'm on holiday lol! My concentration is so poor I'd either lose track or fall asleep! I do have a couple of books I could read on anxiety etc. I many get them off the bookcase as a start.

[MARYRD27 in reply to Kaytee1981]

Because it’s a Workbook you don’t do a lot of reading. It’s interactive. You may be able to get it from a library to see if it will help you. My therapist photocopied a number of pages and I found it so helpful that I went out and bought it.

[Kaytee1981 in reply to MARYRD27]

Oh I see thanks I'll look into it

[Want2BHappy3]

Sorry to hear that you are in such pain, I know how you feel. I've had dark days where if I had pills or a gun available would use them, instead I've hit myself out of frustration. I've been suffering off and on for about 36 years. I have innsomia, I don't usually fall asleep till about 8am the next day only for about an hour or so. IAM SO EXHAUSTED, I also have Diabetes so with that I know I will die an early death. It's hard to keep track of it. Don't do this and don't do that too many rules. I'm Not be consistent. I didn't read if you're in counseling? I'll be able to get back till next month my new insurance will Pay for it.

[Kaytee1981 in reply to Want2BHappy3]

Not in counselling- it's all a bit different in the uk. I'm waiting for psychologist- hopefully before Christmas. I just want these feels gone, they came out of apparently no where I wish they'd bugger off as quick!

[Want2BHappy3 in reply to Kaytee1981]

At least you're going to see someone. I know anxiety is an awfull feeling. Yes, Everything is feeling normal, then all of a sudden.... there it is. Feel better

[56artist_]

Those we leave behind suffer far more than any other death when we take our life it is the worst the mind is so complex but we can be strong soldiers with the battle of the war within our self I was 40 yrs anorexic loneliness depression isolation in last 7 yrs have recovered triggers are with me now of 50 yrs of repressed memories of childhood abuse just begin to recall any past abuse 3 yrs ago after started treatment 7 yrs in Jan next yr so I was trained by therapist process and release memories one by one as they appear not easy but doing it well you hang on and when that tunnel is so dark and no way out keep searching for that bright light took me 57 yrs but I won it is bright now and will not grow dark again

[Kaytee1981 in reply to 56artist_]

No sure I'm as string as you, that's a long time suffering. For someone who's never been through it you just cant explain the physical as well as the emotional pain, it's all encompassing, I hate it so much.

[56artist_ in reply to Kaytee1981]

Thank you be strong hun chat anytime

[SheWrote]

Precious one... you are not alone. You are never alone. Just know that. And, you are so loved, even by your husband who might seem like he is at wits end. But, you have to fight... stand and get mad at this! It does not have control unless you give it. You are so much stronger than you think, and I believe you can fight and beat this!!!! You and your life is so important to the world... don't let this win. Praying for you. HUGS!!!!

[Kaytee1981]

Xxx