Is my depression dragging down my relationships? TW

[LynnSalv]

Have you ever felt like due to this condition we have, we are a burden for people around us? Like if we were different, things would be better and less dramatic for people around us?

I have been feeling like this these past few days and I do not know how to deal with it. How can I be a better son? I feel like I drag my mother down with me whenever I feel down because she worries a lot. On saturday, I felt a surge of emotions and didnt want to go to church (or anywhere really) and she stayed home. I do not want to worry her, I hate myself for that.

How can I be a better partner? Am I even able to be in a relationship without working things out by myself? I feel like the worst man ever for being like this. Not reliable at all, hypersensitive to even small things, very clingy and very emotional with her. I want to be a good partner, I really do. But I feel like I am too clingy and I feel hurt when the other person wont respond or respond in a distant way. Maybe I am too overbearing, I always wanted to be a partner who is more attentive, warm, loving and affectionate than other male partners (based on what I have heard my female fellows complain about), but I feel like I am being overbearing. I feel so sad when my attempts of being like this are overlooked, but I can not for the life of me know if this is a genuine issue or if it is just my depressive ass being too sensitive about stupid stuff that shouldnt even matter.

I do not know, what should I do? How can I work on myself to be a better person? I hate being like this. I feel hopeless and insecure about what to do. I hate myself for crying, for hating myself (ironic, I know), for being like this. I wish I didnt have depression, I wish I was a better person, I wish I was a better, more reliable man, I wish I was totally different...

I hate myself, I cant help but wonder if people would be better with someone else other than me, if I am even worth it. If I were to die, maybe it would be better in general for everybody. I mean, having nothing at all is better than having negativity, right?

Sorry for the rant, and sorry for any english mistakes I might have made. I am just not thinking clearly right now. Any feedback would be much appreciated, I feel hopeless and empty. It is a feeling hard to describe to others, but I have a feeling some of you know exactly what I am referring to.

[Coolgreys]

I’m sorry you feel that you are a burden on others. I definitely know how it is and I have the same questions every day. I feel like if only I can heal and prove I can be emotionally stable, I can be loved and lovable. It’s not your/our fault. We are here trying to help ourselves and we are doing our best with all the knowledge we have. It takes time and self-compassion. If you have people you love who want to stand by you through this, it’s because they love truly love you back and see you as someone precious to be protected and helped. Try to trust that you are worth it to them.

[Rufus07]

I’m sorry I have no advice since I am going through pretty much everything you wrote. I wish you well and hope you can find some answers soon.

[LynnSalv in reply to Rufus07]

I am so sorry for how you have been feeling. It was horrible, I even went back to hurting myself with punches in the face from the anger at myself and the self deprecation I felt. I hope for you too to find answers and wish you the best 🙏 If you want to talk to someone to vent or to share experiences, you can count on me ✨

[worthytobeloved]

Oh my love - you so often feel like this, don't you? From everything you've said in all your posts in the past, I get the impression of a very, very kind, caring person - maybe too worried about not being good enough and letting others down. In the past I've reminded you about how you went without eating to save your mother money, and how you stayed up all night making an origami bouquet for your girlfriend.I think it's part of the depression that you feel this way, and also just how you are. My advice would be to work on loving yourself, knowing you're human and doing your best, and reminding yourself of every good thing you've done. Also, if possible, think of all the things you can be grateful for. Treat yourself as if you were your own best friend. I have to say, from all our conversations in the past, I think you're wonderful!!! xxx

[LynnSalv in reply to worthytobeloved]

It is nice reading you after a time, your words carry weight for me, thank you... I really appreciate it ❤️✨

And I guess I do feel like this often, but I have been trying to just clear my mind off of everything for a while. I just disconnected from the world and tried to clear my mind so that I would stop worrying others. I have been working on myself and staying away from anything that could remind me of the negative feelings, as bad of a strategy as that is. Ironically, the TW on this post worked on myself for like 2 weeks hahah

I have this feeling of wanting to be a more reliable person specially for the girls I have been going out with that I told you, she is so very lovely and kind to me it feels strange sometimes, like I do not deserve anything she says or does. She has had problems with her work and with me being in a wrong mental state, I guess it was too much stress for her, and I hate to do anything to make her feel bad or unloved so I comforted her and am currently trying to be more in control of my feelings, as overbearing as they might be. She helps me so much with it too, with affectionate messages and stuff like that, I would like to be able to give the same to her as she has done to me, and be able to support her, as well as my mother who has been supporting me by herself since I was entering teenage years. Sadly, I am like 2 years away from graduating and being able to support anyone, it makes me feel like a liability to those around me. I dont know, it is a weird feeling I guess, but I would like to be the supporter, not the supported one if that makes sense.

You know? She told me that she has had a crush on me since we met back in 2019, that threw me aback a lot since I thought she was uncomfortable with me instead but it turns out she was just nervous and shy about it. It made me feel special in a sense, you know. She said that I was very kind and sweet since forever, and she was drawn to that. But I still feel the need to validate myself in some kind of way for her to not get bored or abandon me. The fear of abandonment is so massive it makes me do dumb stuff sometimes. I need to work on myself a lot...

Loving myself makes me feel egotistical orselfish, I dont know why but it feels wrong. I will try to think about it tho, again, thanks for the advice, I appreciate your words a lot 🙏✨

[worthytobeloved in reply to LynnSalv]

Hello, my love. I think that if you asked your mum and your girlfriend if you were a burden on them, they would probably say that, if anything, you are supportive of them and understanding of their feelings. Your caring so much for others is such a wonderful thing, but I can see it's not helping you. Think of those you love (or anyone). If they felt the way you do, wouldn't you want to comfort and encourage them? TREAT YOUTSELF WITH THE SAME UNDERSTANDING, COMPASSION AND LOVE AS YOU TREAT EVERYONE ELSE! I'm glad you are trying to work on yourself - that's all we can do. And because we are human, we are not perfect - none of are. But I think you're wonderful!!! xxx

[worthytobeloved in reply to LynnSalv]

Hello, my love. I think that if you asked your mum and your girlfriend if you were a burden on them, they would probably say that, if anything, you are supportive of them and understanding of their feelings. Your caring so much for others is such a wonderful thing, but I can see it's not helping you. Think of those you love (or anyone). If they felt the way you do, wouldn't you want to comfort and encourage them? TREAT YOUTSELF WITH THE SAME UNDERSTANDING, COMPASSION AND LOVE AS YOU TREAT EVERYONE ELSE! I'm glad you are trying to work on yourself - that's all we can do. And because we are human, we are not perfect - none of are. But I think you're wonderful!!! xxx

[FL-guy]

you're not a burden to those whom God puts into your life to help n to heal you... and you're certainly not a burden to God... we are ALL needy... all of us. You are wise to post this. BTW regarding church.... you go when you can ... God is always with you ... everywhere you go... you are no burden for Him He wants you well and I believe with all my heart He will get you there

[LynnSalv in reply to FL-guy]

I hope so, and I hope I can become an instrument he can use to bless others. Thank you for your kind words 🙏✨

[RS1974]

I've been married 3 times divorced twice. And relationships are difficult especially when there is mental illness involved. I've been in therapy and went to Intensive Outpatient Program for 2 years. And on the right meds too. And being 50 helps to I feel I'm less jealous since I like me now .