I’ve been struggling with panic attacks for quite some time now. It started subtly—I would find myself crying in the middle of a crowd during an otherwise normal conversation, with tears rolling down my face for no apparent reason. Over time, these moments escalated into full-blown panic attacks, where I’d feel an intense twist in my chest, difficulty breathing, uncontrollable crying, and sweating—even in the freezing cold of December.
Initially, these episodes weren’t frequent, but I was constantly sad, restless, and distracted. Insomnia was at its peak during this time, making it even harder to cope. By April 2022, I unknowingly began severing ties with everyone. At the time, I didn’t realize I was isolating myself, but that was the point where anxiety took full control of my life. My ability to function diminished—I could no longer speak confidently or perform in class.
I’ve always been an extreme extrovert, thriving on interactions with people both within and outside my network, even with strangers. But suddenly, I started looking dull and became deeply dissatisfied with my body. As my anxiety worsened, I felt trapped in the highly social environment I once loved.
When I returned to campus in August after a month-long break, people began noticing changes in me. They pointed out how my voice, once raspy, had become thinner and different. I dismissed it at first, thinking it was odd but insignificant. Over time, though, I started struggling with speech. I’d jumble words, stutter, and even noticed a change in my accent—something I had no history of before. These issues would come and go unpredictably, and even speaking to people I was comfortable with became a challenge, ruling out stage fright or social anxiety as the cause.
Now, whenever I’m in conversation with people, I’m mostly ignored because of my suppressed voice and broken speech. This has created a further dent in my confidence. I’ve started hating myself—a person who was once confident and an achiever has now been reduced to someone who avoids eye contact and flees from social interactions. I’ve even been found running hysterically at the mere sight of someone I know.
When the situation worsened in March 2023, I finally decided to seek help. My college’s psychology department offers free therapy sessions. They recommended speech therapy but were perplexed by my symptoms and couldn’t provide a concrete explanation. I visited them only once, though, as I found the entire process mentally exhausting.
I tried to talk about my struggles with friends, but most were either shocked or didn’t know how to respond. I’m not someone who likes to burden others with my problems, so opening up like that was difficult for me. My mother, who is a psychologist, dismissed the idea of speech therapy outright when I mentioned it.
When college ended, I hoped that being with my family would provide the love and support I desperately needed. Instead, things took a turn for the worse. With tech job hiring freezes, I couldn’t find a job and had to stay home, where my human interaction dropped to zero. Panic attacks became more frequent, and I was confined to my room with no safe or quiet places to go nearby.
The environment at home is toxic. My family has largely ostracized me, and my health continues to deteriorate. My mother, who is highly manipulative and toxic, never misses an opportunity to humiliate me or expose my insecurities in front of others. When we’re on speaking terms, she creates constant drama, gaslighting me and making me feel like I’m the problem. She’s even called me a “maniac.” When we’re not talking, she resorts to yelling, gossiping, and painting herself as the ideal psychologist, claiming to be "treating" me, when in reality, all she does is add to my suffering.
Whenever I’m around my family, I turn into a watered-down version of myself, much like a personality B who is completely opposite to the person I actually am. I become reserved and feel too restrained to laugh, love, or giggle around them. My form of expression is heavily limited, and I’m always an emotional mess.
I’ve always been vocal and stood by my beliefs, which is something a narcissist like her cannot tolerate. Anytime I call her out on her lies or behavior, she finds a way to tarnish my reputation while keeping hers spotless. My brother is no better—he’s a bully who never misses an opportunity to humiliate me. My father, though kind, is too passive and oblivious to take a stand for me.
In short, my home environment is toxic, leaving me isolated and trapped. I have no one to talk to, my career is suffering because of my condition, and I can’t afford therapy. I feel like my voice—a core part of my personality—has been taken away from me. I desperately need to get out of this house because being here only amplifies my misery.
I still have a lot of other things that trouble me, but this was mostly about my anxiety. Kindly help!
xx
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