First post here. I am looking for ways to support my husband who suffers from anxiety and depression. It has been an eye-opening journey for me, as I’ve never known anyone close to me who has suffered like this. I can say that it’s been an exhausting journey as well. I can only imagine how exhausting it must be for him, since I only experience the second hand effects. I’ve tried my best to be supportive, to no avail. My husband feels unsupported despite my efforts. We’ve had relationship problems and that really set off his depression even more. Many times, I think that he feels the depression is my fault. He gets angry and triggered during our arguments which in turn, angers and triggers me. So I’m ashamed to say, sometimes I just avoid conversations with him because I don’t want to fight. He’s a kind soul, with a kind heart, who unfortunately has to carry a heavy weight daily. His pain comes out as anger (or sadness) and I honestly have no idea how to help. So I decided to look for people who may have experience with this kind of thing and who may have ideas or suggestions of things that may have worked for them? Any help is much appreciated.
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Hi and welcome! Is he seeing a therapist? What have you all tried in the past?
Thank you. He has done some therapy (initially was opposed to any outside help). He thought he could just get through it himself. Therapy helped some, but his therapist changed platforms and he didn’t follow her. He says he believes he has the “tools” now. & really tries to distract his mind by playing sports. Took up 2 new activities, and he spends a lot of time practicing and playing. He says it helps alot but recently that has even been losing its luster. He thinks he just has to get through this rough patch. But sometimes things get really bad. He had some dark days and when they show as anger toward me I just get angry back and that doesn’t help anyone.
You're welcome. I like to have people listen to me, validate my feelings, and not push me. We all need our space and time to process things. I also do not like it when others try and give me advice and/or opinions about how I should deal with things. They can give gentle suggestions without sounding like I need to do it their way or else. I guess what I'm trying to say is that, while I appreciate support, there is a fine line between how much/what kind I can handle.
Norw, I truly feel like my husband could have written this post. He is the same way. I don’t think he feels validated. I struggle with finding ways to tell him I disagree with something without making him feel dismissed. I haven’t been able to find that sweet spot where I can give him feedback without sounding insensitive . For example if I say that I feel like he “should go back to meeting with his therapist” for example. He gets triggered by that. Because like you said, he probably feels like I’m “making him” do it. I just saw a benefit when he went. & I have told him this. But I guess he’s not ready to go back.
I know you're doing your best. That's all you can do. Something that might help: when I'm in a bad place, I can mistake other's helpful suggestions in a negative way. For example, if I'm raging about something to my husband and he tries to change to a happier topic before I'm done raging, I can come back at him and say something like "aren't you listening to me?" or "you know, I'm not a child who can just be distracted". My reaction has nothing to do with him, but rather with where I'm at mentally and emotionally.
It’s very difficult if you want to help and feel it isn’t appreciated.There is only one solution. Don’t help. Don’t give advice.
We sufferers from depression and anxiety have been given advice by others all our lives. If advice from friends and family helped, we would be A ok. Instead, it makes us feel un-understood at best, and dismissed/talked down to/coerced at worst.
In spite of my steep depression and anxiety I had a very happy marriage with my husband. He did not advise me. Nor was that his job. He respected me. My sister, on the other hand, cannot stop giving advice. I shun her.
It’s not your job to fix him - if you can live with the way he is right now, then you accept things as they are. If you can’t, it’s time to move on. Don’t fix people.
Hello Zyxx. Thanks for your response. He feels unsupported by me. So I am trying to find ways to change that. How do I let him know I’m here for him? He gets mad at me a lot, and I just used to shut down or avoid conversations hoping to avoid arguments. So I was just looking for ideas on how I can support him. Since he often tells me I’m not doing that.
His feelings are ok. But he needs to respect you and formulate them in a way that doesn’t abuse you. He needs to tell you exactly how he wants you to support him. And he has to accept that you may not always have the energy to do that.
HelloBeing there and listening to him helps alot. Going for a walk in nature and talking about other random things will help. Cold showers helps with anxiety, they are painful but it lifts up your mood, look at youtube for Wim Hof for guidance.
painful though the cold showers sound and are, I believe cold water does do something. I used to have a pool. The temp was quite cold - around 65F. It took me a long tome to get in but once I was in I loved it and didn't want to come out. Afterwards I did feel much better and not depressed. or anxious. Maybe I should try the showers. Maybe cool/cold baths would be helpful too.
Not sure why they work but it does relieve anxiety. I think it numbs the nervous system. There is probably a better explanation. I haven't try baths yet. Initially I had to take like two or three showers a day and then after I was down to one and it helped alot.
Hello Allgood, it sounds like your husband could be suffering from c-ptsd and depression from childhood trauma and emotional neglect. I grew up in a very emotionally repressive household and was punished and shamed for just expressing normal emotions like anger. I had no emotional support and my siblings and I fought all of the time. I was also bullied in school which led to developing social anxiety disorder. I ended up finding the right medication that worked for me and working with a therapist who specialized in treating trauma and c-ptsd and used emdr therapy which really helped.
There is a lot of information on the web about c-ptsd, you can check out the books by Pete Walker and for childhood emotional neglect, check out Jonice Webb's website and info. If you live in the States there is a national organization called NAMI that has local chapters and resources and support for people and families of those with mental health issues.
My wife has thankfully been very supportive over the years with my journey to healing but the bottom line is that I had to do it myself and continue to seek the right help I needed to heal and so will your husband.
They both have a lot of information about the disorder, symptoms, etc... and how to help yourself. Here is a link to Dr. Webb's website: drjonicewebb.com/ and one to Pete Walkers: pete-walker.com/. You can also find their books on amazon.com. Another good website of good information is tinybuddha.com/. i've learned a lot from this site and got a lot of good information.
Hello Design,Thanks for your comment. I will look Into the resources you listed and see if I think that may be the case. His parents are very dedicated and loving, but I think his dad has his own struggles with anxiety and depression and his mom is a worrier. She worries about everything and Is always watching the news and telling everyone to be careful about everything because x y or z could happen. So hearing this all his life could definitely have an effect on how he feels. He has a very small circle of people he truly trusts.
I guess this is all for him to sort out because even if I think it’s it, he may get upset at me suggesting something? Idk, it just always depends. I don’t often know what will make him upset or not.
I was also bipolar, which includes very deep bouts of depression. I found people's attempts to help me as very unhelpful, because they just wanted to 'fix' me. in one of your replies, you mentioned he was going to a therapist and feels he has the tools he needs. He IS RIGHT! He has whatever tools that that particular therapist had to offer him. He has to figure out how to make it work for him. There's no blueprint that works the same way for everyone, without adjusting and tweaking. He is the ONLY one who can do that tweaking and adjusting. Sport is a GREAT way to get rid of depression and anxiety.
The BEST way you can support him is by working on YOURSELF. It doesn't mean you ignore your needs and let him walk all over you. It means you actively take care of yourself, so he has the extra space that he needs in order to heal. It's like putting the oxygen mask on yourself first, before helping anyone else (standard advice when you fly a plane - which overrides our instinct to help our children, and others we love, before we help ourselves!)
If he had been in an accident and had a few broken bones, would you expect him be able to the things he was able to do before he broke his bones? Depression (and all mental illnesses) are like invisible broken bones. The person looks just fine on the outside, but they are in excruciating pain on the inside.
I would examine deeper the issues that cause arguments. They indicate a need that's not being met, in both of you. Dig around, inside yourself and identify the need in YOU that's not being met, that contributes to the argument. And then, brainstorm (on your own, with friends or on here) ways of how you can meet those needs without his help. Share your wins with him. Don't expect him to do the things that help you. The source of your pain is different from his. Just as you won't prescribe the same treatment for someone with diabetes and someone with a fracture, what works for you, is most likely not the thing that will work for him. But, definitely share with him how you're working at solving the things that cause arguments, and hopefully, he will find that to be supportive.
Sorry this is so long. Please feel free to quiz me some more. It's good to see someone interested in trying to support a person going through depression. So many people give up when they can't understand.
Thanks for your reply Violette. Your comment is very Insightful. I read it days ago but hadn’t had time to sit down and respond to all the comments, so I’m just going a couple at a time. Since I read your post, I have not once mentioned anything about therapy or treatment. You’re right that only he knows what works for him. I think when he turned on me and blamed me for things I would go back and accuse him of not getting help.
I have also tried not to get upset at him for not helping around the house. I understand what he goes through is tougher than I can imagine. I think it just gets hard for me when all the household and kid duties (we have young kids) fall on me, so Im exhausted by 8pm, & then he gets mad at me Bc I’m not there for him. I honestly don’t have much left in the tank after juggling all of our home stuff and I help my parents, grandma and nieces with some things as well. So he basically feels like he’s not a priority. I just don’t know how to juggle it all without getting burned out (which is already happening). With all this though, I have realized that I need to get better at setting boundaries. In order to conserve my own energy.
& yes, i have started to dig on the deeper issues. It’s not easy to sort through so many layers, and I could write a whole chapter on that alone, but I appreciate you saying this. You are spot on. Thank you so much. I have to run, but I may take you up on the offer to quiz you some more. I find all of this to be very helpful. Thank you!
No, it's not easy to go through all the layers. It takes a lot of time, and you need something to hold onto while you're working through the layers. You have a LOT on your plate! I understand that you are short on time, so i'll keep this real short. When i was burning out with all of the things i needed to keep on top of, the BIGGEST burden for me was that i felt like i had no choice but to give, because everyone else's needs seemed to be much greater than my own. Just a few days back, a phrase from something i was reading or listening to, jumped out at me: Worth Fighting For. It summed up all of my struggles through the years.
Say this phrase and see if it resonates with you: "I am worth fighting for". Then, say it with your husband's name: He is worth fighting for. Then say it with each of your children's names. Another thing i do is to put my hand over my heart when i breathe (or say the names of those i fight for), because i read somewhere that when we are constantly giving, a lot of energy goes out from our hearts. And putting a hand on our heart reflects some of that energy back into ourselves. I don't know if that's true or not, but it DOES feel good to feel the weight of my hand on my own heart! I know that when my children were little, putting my hand on their back or on their chest comforted them and calmed them down. So maybe there's something to it after all. (Perhaps your husband will let you put your hand on his heart too, and while you do, you can say 'worth fighting for' in your heart).
IF you start to cry buckets when you say: "I am worth fighting for" with your hand on your heart... then you've hit a sweet spot - keep saying it! When we find something that resonates with our heart, our mind clears up and finds a way out for us. I have a lot of other little things i did to help me clear my heart and mind as well, but this is the simplest one i could think of. Crying is a bonus. It helps release stress hormones. Don't EVER, EVER, EVER think it's wrong to cry for yourself. It's NOT a 'pity party'. if you feel the sensation to cry, you need to cry!
And IF for some reason, you feel like you're not worth fighting for, Can you say: "SHE believes' i'm worth fighting for"? Because, i do! Each person that God brings into my life, i feel there's a reason our paths cross. The people who mean the most to me are the ones who i see are good at pouring themselves out for others. It's in their very nature, as if they're a fountain. And when they start to dry up, they are distressed, because they need to be in a place where they can give. But they cannot give what they do not have. I believe you have the ability to take the smallest drop of water and turn it into a refreshing stream. People like you, are ALWAYS worth fighting for. But most times, you are taken for granted, because you can always be counted on. Most times, your daily little sacrifices are never noticed. And most times, nobody sees how much of yourself you are pouring into the things you do for them. But there's one person who sees everything - YOU! So, look at all those 'little' things, and recognize that you are worth fighting for.
Leave the digging for another time. Get as much rest as you can. And thank you for sharing more of your burdens. I'm so sorry this got so long again! Please keep sharing.
Very good comment by Violette.I notice that (as I said in my above comments) you’re not respecting his boundaries, by giving him advice about his condition - but he is also not respecting your boundaries. You do not “have to be there for him” when you feel run down, yourself. All of that is, again, emotional manipulation.
No. He’s only Ever seen 1 therapist. He’s adamant about getting through this on his own. I don’t even know if I should encourage him or discourage him from doing this on his own. What I’m learning from this forum is that only he will know what works for him? I try to understand what he needs, but I often times find myself confused.
I honestly joined this forum to try to gain a little more understanding of everything. & trying to understand how I can best help. So much of the time, I feel like I’m just striking out.
If he's convinced you are the source of his mental illness, then he doesn't know what works for him. At most you could only be part of it, possibly aggravating a preexisting condition/situation. But you're certainly not the cause. Something else is going on with him and if he's going to blame it all on you and refuses to get professional help, you're at a stalemate.
Something violette001 said resonated with me. Make sure you are not neglecting yourself. Speaking from experience, "caregiver" fatigue is a real thing. Go for a walk, keep up with a hobby, anything that's just time for you. It will keep you in a better state to help him. Wishing you both the best.
Hello imgoodandfine. Yes, he tried therapy for a short time. & says he has the tools he needs now. So he doesn’t seem to have any desire to go back at the moment.
As a husband that is also dealing with depression and anxiety I can say that I have gotten into some pretty heated arguments with my wife and have sometimes treated her unfairly. And it is not because of her or something she did. It might have been work stress, it might have been traffic, it might have been the fact that there is a heap of paperwork that I do not want to contend with. It might have been the fact that the milk is finished, it might be the constant overthinking that is occurring daily, all these things that it might have been puts your body in and mind in a constant ready to either fight or flight, sometimes even without knowing. Then when the argument occurs, you immediately over react because your body and mind is already in an always ready state and the immediate response is to snap. - Some days when the feeling of constantly being on the edge starts it does not stop.
I have started to remove myself from these arguments. I am not saying I do not have the argument, I just don't have it right away. Because I know what I will say is not relevant to the argument, it is just that I am so tired and my mind is filled with 100s of thoughts, doubts and fears at the same time, that it will be like a balloon popping when I reply and I will say the first thing that comes to mind that will blow up the argument and end it as quickly as possible. This way I allow myself to think about what argument has been brought forward, formulate a proper response, regain my strength and deal with it when I am ready.
I have also stopped seeing my therapist and the reason is, I do not feel that the therapist was the correct therapist for me, the space where the therapy occurred was not private enough to my liking, as consultation rooms where separated only by drywall and any passer by could probably overhear as you in detail explain what happened to you and how much of a mess you are(it was also at a very busy doctors practice, was not only therapists in the building). I am still however in search for a new therapist as I do know a time might arise when I will be needing one. But he might be correct, with my previous therapist I felt that I had gained all I could from her, tools and etc. It also felt at times as if I was not getting through to her and felt like we were going in circles, and I might be incorrect here as feelings are difficult things to understand for me at least. - It could be that something similar might also be the case with your husband?
In short - Allow your husband his space, don't bring up his mental health too often, he knows he has a problem and is dealing with it, daily - his own mind reminds him within a half an hour of waking up in the morning. Encourage exercise - ask him if he wants you too exercise with him he could be loosing interest in his activities if it is not encouraged or if he does it alone - This however is personal preference I like exercising alone as I can get a breather from people.
I also have to admit with depression and anxiety you can feel all alone and unsupported even if you have all the support in the world, here I agree with violette001
''There's no blueprint that works the same way for everyone, without adjusting and tweaking. He is the ONLY one who can do that tweaking and adjusting.'' Don`t blame yourself it`s not your fault as the depression and anxiety is also not his fault. He feels the way he feels because of the depression and anxiety and the only person that can change that is him and that might take an eternity - as I can relate to how he feels.
Hope this helps, sorry for long post, here is an imaginary potato.
Just want to share my thoughts about therapists - you were NOT wrong when you felt like you were going around in circles and not getting through to her. I've had SUCH a hard time finding a good therapist, not just for myself, but also for my kids! i went through them like potato chips (sorry couldn't think of anything else, since you mentioned the imaginary potato. 😄)
The very first one i went to, asked me what i'd tried so far, i shared a dozen different things i'd tried, her eyes kept getting bigger and bigger and she finally said: "Do you mind if i write some of these down? I might try them with my other clients!" To this day, i don't know why i paid her instead of asking her to pay me for teaching her things she hadn't learned in therapy school or whatever. lol 😄) But she wasn't an isolated case! My doctor, who was much better than her, and actually helpful, ALSO took notes and marveled at my charts, which i modified from random charts i found online, because i didn't want to be on meds for the rest of my life, and wanted to figure out if my moods followed a pattern.
Then, there was the therapist my daughter went to, who spent more time talking to me than to her, and one of the things she asked me was: "How do you communicate with her? I'm having a hard time connecting with her." So i gave her a laundry list of ways i connect with my kid, and she was like: "Oh, is it ok if i write these down...?" i was so surprised that i forgot to charge her for the session. lol 😅
i found coaches to be far more useful for some reason. I'm not sure why? Perhaps it's because they just try to help you clarify what you're saying and they're not trying to fix you? (well, that's one of the things...) That's not to say that there aren't good therapists out there - it's just that they are not always a good fit. So, don't second guess yourself if you're not 100% satisfied with a person for ANY reason. There's something deep inside of us that recognizes if a person is good for us or not, LONG before we can find the reasons why. There was one lady i dropped even before our session began, because she rubbed me the wrong way in the waiting room.
It isn't just with therapists - but other healthcare professionals too - if i can't trust them for any reason, the sessions are a waste. i've avoided major meds by insisting on a second opinion. I've had doctors try to guilt me into taking meds by telling me i was being irresponsible for not listening to them. But i know my wellbeing matters to me FAR MORE than it will ever matter to them!
You are SO right, Violette. We should all get away from any health care provider we don’t trust. We usually stick around too long, with detrimental results.
i think we trust them too much! we forget that half of them graduated at the bottom of the class! lol this isn't to knock health care professionals - i was a nurse myself - it's just that -- we have to remember that they are also human, that they don't know everything, and especially that WE are responsible for our OWN health and should be our own greatest advocates.
i had a doctor who was offended when i said i needed a second opinion. She slammed the door and walked out. I saved myself from being on mind-numbing drugs whose side-effects were a certainty but not it's intended therapeutic effect!
Aren’t they amazing? What a jerk your doc was. Imagine that.Last doc I saw, some months ago, wanted me on clonazepam 24/7. Said it was ridiculous to think one could get addicted to it.
I’ve been in withdrawal from paroxetine, so I’m not going to do this. I can’t believe he tells me not to worry about addiction.
Good on you for walking out of that doc. Can’t imagine someone with so little good manners, let alone empathy, would be very helpful.
Thank you for your response LeDerp. I think he experiences everything you mentioned. Our arguments can get really bad sometimes. Including today. He has been hurting for a long time and I was really ignorant to what depression was or why people react the way they do for so much of our relationship. So I mishandled countless situations, arguments etc… because I thought he was just choosing to be an A-hole to me. Over the years, I avoided him, or brushed things under the carpet, I even lied and omitted things that I knew he would “over react” about. I understand now how wrong that was. I should have just faced these issues head on. But I just didn’t understand why he was mad at me every single day. Doing all of these resulted in him not feeling like he could trust me. & this is what he believes is the reason for his depression. I was so scared at his big reactions all the time that I avoided him. I hated feeling like this. The more I avoided, the more he felt like I didn’t care and the worse he treated me. The worse he treated me, the more I didn’t want to be around him. It was a vicious cycle. I have only now started to understand a little more about how he truly feels because of how bad things have gotten. It’s so hard because on one hand he is literally the most amazing man with a huge heart and I love him so much. & on the other hand, he has said some really horrible things to me and has really lost it and talked to me in ways that I never thought I would allow any one to talk to me. It is so emotionally draining. I love him, & yet at times I get so mad at him, other times sad, others so frustrated & at times I just feel so helpless and sometimes hopeless.
And….neither should you tell him, as imgoodandfine suggests, “how sad” you are about his condition. Being sad is, in the end, your problem, as his sadness is his. I don’t mean this harshly, at all. Just factual.
He may get over his depression and anxiety, one day. Or he may not. For the moment, at any rate, it is a chronic health issue. Shaming someone by telling them how sad you are that he has that condition, as imgoodandfine (with all sorts of good intentions, I’m sure) suggests, is absolutely wrong. It will lead to divorce, in the end, or at the very least an unhappy marriage.
You are responsible for your own happiness. You can be happy even if your partner has a chronic health issue. If you keep insisting it must be fixed, your relationship suffers. There’s no two ways about it.
Live around it, as you would if he had MS or chronic pain. Don’t insist he should be fixed. You can have a VERY happy relationship if you can get a grip on your own feelings about this. He will still suffer, as someone with chronic pain would. But a chronic pain sufferer can be in a happy marriage.
No more advice. Not even: “You should go back to your therapist.” It’s up to him. Respect each other’s boundaries.
He occasionally responds when I try to be kind. He’s mad at me a lot if the time, so sometimes when I try to hug him or something he will not respond to it because he says that I’m just trying to act like “nothing happened” when we have so many problems. I’ve gotten so tired of trying and I feel like all of this has been draining me emotionally as well. It’s an exhausting situation. I love him and I know he’s a great guy and I want him to be happy. It’s just so hard when I feel like he criticizes everything I do. Don’t get me wrong— I’m far from perfect & make plenty of mistakes, but it just seems like everything I do bothers him.
Hello…you sound like my husband feels. I see how my issues over 28 years has worn on him. He can’t understand and I finally accepted that he can’t. It’s not his fault. He knows I suffer, feels bad he can’t help. I feel so guilty for being sick. I tried to live without meds and I became an angry, sad tortured beast. I didn’t theow stuff or anything just bad mood swings. So I am validating YOU who is trying hard to support your husband even in the toughest moments.
I feel good when my husband acknowledges my issues though he doesn’t understand why. He knows it’s chemical, hormonal, and situational. He feels better when I tell him I no longer expect him to relate or know what to do. I didn’t get to this point without meds though. I now accept that I will be on meds the rest of my life unless I can qualify fot TMS therapy. This is my wish, not a suggestion to anyone else.
If your husband can’t do medication, if he can instead get outdoors on a nice day, plant an easy, small garden, or just concentrate on feeling the sun and hearing nature….whatever relaxes him on a DAILY routine basis, it helps. Always find things to look forward to, even if it’s pizza night or game night, an outdoor concert, a museum visit, put it on the calendar. We keep a calendar in the kitchen, and when I check it and see a positive thing we have planned it gives me motivation and a spark of hope.
Also try to minimize alcohol. If medical cannabis could help, stick to hybrid strains and moderate THC to just take the edge off. Cook together, make and ice cookies together. One thing I have noticed is when he suggests something to do, I tend to say no. But if he just starts to do something interesting I eventually get over myself and join in, knowing that I am not in the mood but I know after a few minutes I might feel a little better. Distraction is key. I watch a lot of Netflix after work.
I also use a meditation app. I don’t think we’re allowed to post specific products, but I found a good, free app that has tons of free music, sounds, white noise, as well as guided meditation. I use headphones…it makes a difference.
Good luck. I am happy that a “neurotypical” person like you had the courage to join a group like this. Thank you. 🙂
Thank you for your suggestions Seegee. I appreciate all of them. Unfortunately, I don’t think I can really suggest them to my husband. He gets pretty triggered when I “tell him what he should do”. I’ve tried saying things with all the best Intentions and somehow, the way it sounds to him is an attack or a criticism. I seriously joined this group as a desperate attempt at something that may help me navigate this better. I am human and I make all sorts of mistakes. I Have all the best intentions (hence my screen name), but somehow I feel like no matter what I try, my husband feels like I’m failing him.
For myself, I have tried mediation and I do enjoy it. I use an app as well. Thanks for your kindness and your reply Seegee. I’m grateful to have a group to bounce ideas off of.
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this isn't to knock health care professionals - i was a nurse myself - it's just that -- we have to remember that they are also human, that they don't know everything, and especially that WE are responsible for our OWN health and should be our own greatest advocates. 
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