Hello to anyone who reads this. I just wanted to share some things and get them off my chest.
I have struggled with what I believe to be (and at one point, as an adult,was diagnosed with PMDD), since 11 years old. I also started having anxiety when I was a little child, prior to that time.
When I was little my mom was threatened by someone, and I believe it became a source of fear for her safety. At 11, when PMDD like symptoms began a long with others like (extreme anxiety, panic, depression, obsessive thoughts and worry, mood swings, suicidal feelings & thoughts ), I also began having extreme bouts of fear of something bad happening in the family, and not being at home to know it would happen, and ran away from school a lot.
I couldn't verbalize my feelings or thoughts, or didn't know how. My family and school tried to help me, the best they knew how. I felt so much shame and anger toward myself for not being how I was before, bold and fearless, and just "me". I began compulsively washing my hands to the point of them having rashes or bleeding, and for a short time made myself go hungry most of the day and lost a lot of weight.
Over the summer that year, I started to feel more like myself. I began a new school and was verbally bullied for 3 years, and struggled with symptoms of depression.
Over the years (I am 34), the PMDD type symptoms, persistent over thinking and worry about extreme situations happening, depression, panic attacks etc have been there but more prevalent at some times than others. I struggled after giving birth, with intense depression and very anxious thoughts, mood swings like I had never felt, it was like someone was playing a drum in my chest.
I had a hysterectomy last year, one year ago, and the PMDD type symptoms/anxiety symptoms seem to have become more intense (they left my ovaries and they are still working).
I have had times of crying to the point of sobbing and it comes with a feeling of heartache. A feeling like someone has punched my gut and the world is closing in. Waves of detached feelings, Racing compulsive thoughts, anger, flushed feeling in my face accompanying irritability, hunger changes, fatigue.
I recently took an SSRI earlier in the year for a short time and it unfortunately made certain symptoms worse, while helping others. I was made to stop it and then I tried an older drug (amitriptyline) and stopped it for the same reason (was not a good match). I don't feel the same as I did prior to taking it just yet, although I feel much closer than I did a few months ago.
I discovered my estrogen is low although my other levels are good (hormone wise). I am awaiting my GYN to let me know what we can do to address the estrogen and see if this helps any of the symptoms.
Along with these symptoms, I also have times of increased (very increased) sexual drive and it bothers me a great deal, especially if I am very stressed. I don't know if that is my body's way of trying to regulate the off balance emotions. I haven't really shared this symptom or issue with my doctor.
When I cry or over eat I feel little bits of relief. Sometimes I feel like screaming and if I do raise my voice even if to myself, or I sing loudly, I feel relief. Like there is tension in my body that is related to these symptoms. I don't like how it makes me feel, and effects my personality, though it hasn't come out towards others recently the way it used to when I was younger. But I still feel guilty, because I don't want to be frustrated with anyone, especially when I am actually not frustrated with them directly. I have to remind myself that I am NOT these symptoms. They are just that - symptoms.
It has been very difficult to feel like I am on solid footing, and enjoy things over the last several weeks especially.
I just wanted to know if anyone relates or could relate to any of this and if you found anything that helped. I am a believer in Jesus Christ, and I can undoubtedly say He's the only reason I've made it this far and I maintain hope in spite of these symptoms.
God bless you! Thank you for any feedback or even just for reading.
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