A little wisdom of importance

[Existing]

I wanted to mention something few people are aware of, and have never been taught by many therapists even. There is and important distinction about the word "shame" that is helpful understand and recognize. Mental health issues we all share here have a universal tendency to make us feel bad about ourselves, unlike say osteoporosis or any other physical medical condition.

In terms of psychiatric or mental illnesses, there is a lot of shame attached to them. Society pretends to address the stigma, but I find the worst sometimes are those who work on mental health.

Regardless, there is a belief that it's simply weakness, that normal people are strong, and they don't allow their weaknesses to control their lives. We even do it to ourselves, blaming ourselves for what's wrong with us.

It's one thing to acknowledge whats wrong with us, and another to assume that it's our fault, that it's proof we are defective and not good enough, that we are not like others who we internalize as more worthy than we are.

I will leave you with this.

When we do something wrong, we are guilty of doing whatever it is. How you determine that it's "wrong" is something worth thinking about. Against the law? Yes, clearly wrong. Wrong because someone else tells you it's wrong? Hmmm. May need to think about that one.

But even if what you did is clearly wrong in your own understanding, its something you did that you are GUILTY of doing,meaning you CAN CHANGE WHAT YOU DO IN THE FUTURE.

Okay, now consider what happens when you blame yourself for things you may or may not have done. In other words, you apologize for everything because you assume it must have been you who is to blame. Why? Because you believe you are not like others, that you are a bad person, less worthy than others, that you always cause problems just by being you. This is what SHAME is.

Shame is the feeling about WHO YOU ARE, not WHAT YOU DID.

And the damage that comes with shame is this:

You can change your behavior that you might be guilty of,

But if you see yourself as a bad person, then it's about WHO YOU ARE and that cannot be changed.

It's important to understand that ALL of us, WHO WE ARE is worthy of the same love and unconditional acceptance as every other living human and other beings. Because we are human, we are born with certain selfish tendencies (originally for survival of species) -all of us- and we are all as vulnerable to things we can't control. I would say some of us are more honest about those flaws than others. But don't ever believe the bullshit that you are less than any other human being on the planet.

Don't ever let SHAME convince you that you are less worthy, less deserving, less capable than anyone else of your equal right to be treated fairly, and to live the life you deserve.

Focus on behavior you can change, not who you are.

Leave yourself alone because you are not the problem, or the blame. Treat yourself with asuch respect, and appreciation as all of us deserve. And acknowledge your part in things when you behave in a way that's wrong. Apologize for behavior, not your being.

Sometimes the best I can do is get out of bed.😄🙏❤️

[Vonus5591]

Thank you

Mental health so important and topic that needs discussion and less stigma

[Lali2018]

Wonderful, thank you dear friend💕

[Existing in reply to Lali2018]

Thank you for the hearts too, for hearing me. 💗

[learning1234]

Wow, thank you - I needed to read this and will keep coming back to it. ❤️

[Existing in reply to learning1234]

This means so much to me to hear. ❤️

[casablancalover14]

Thank you for this great letter. Sometimes we all tend to think lowly of ourselves, and that is simply not true. We all deserve love and respect, and we need to look after each other.

Thanks again!

[Existing in reply to casablancalover14]

You helped me with your kind words more than you know 💗

[worthytobeloved]

What a wonderful post! Thank you! xxx

[bethelbee]

I don't feel shame having depression and anxiety. I frequently try to educate others to help reduce the stigma. Obviously there's a long way to go on that front, but more people are talking about it openly. My depression is part of who I am but does not define me. I had a lifelong friend of 50 years who had been really supportive but a few years ago said some really hurtful things during a depressive episode. I sent her a letter with some article about how to support a friend or loved one during a depressive episode along with saying how much she hurt me.. Never an apology, never heard from her again. Took a long time to move past it. She had been my best friend since 7th grade....

[Existing in reply to bethelbee]

My intention was to clarify the difference between shame and guilt, which most people think are the same thing, and to really explain the damage shame can do. Childhood trauma is where that really sinks into people, but depression definitely too.But you sound more like me with my depression and being an advocate, and even to the point of the friend. I went several really horrible years and lost a friend of 35 years who really abandoned me when I was most broken and I never heard from her either, and that was one of a few devastating blows I had around that time and it's all still a huge set of losses I never was able to grieve or heal. It was a wave of endless things for several years that kept knocking me further down. I'm like the remains of a shipwreck now.

[bethelbee in reply to Existing]

I'm so sorry you also lost a long time friend, especially during a time you were going through other things..I finally was able to move past the loss and these days when I think of her I do a silent, sometimes not so silent 🤬 to her. A few years ago I had started then quit TMS(later finished what was my 2nd round with brief success) and ended up in the hospital but signed out after a couple days as it was not what it used to be, it had gone downhill. Anyway when I called said friend to say I was going home she had the nerve to say "well you just don't seem to be trying hard enough to get better,". I told her that she had no idea what I had been trying,; tried to fix and a support group, etc. We argued for a few minutes before she decided sha had to call her daughter.. Somehow we got past that after not talking for a couple months. What led up to the end was a year or so later when I was supposed to go away but couldn't because I was spiraling. She decided to text our two mutual long term friends speculating why I wasn't going away. Problem was she accidentally included me in the group text. I immediately called her, she obviously didn't pick up , but I left a message giving her a piece of my mind. Long story short we haven't spoken since. It was after that incident I later sent her the letter. Sorry, I got long winded. I can totally commiserate with you. I've also lost the other two friends of our foursome. Another story for another day...Take care❗

[Downinil]

Hi Existing! Some accuse us of stupidity when actually our minds shutdown from overload.

[Existing in reply to Downinil]

Right you are.

[Downinil in reply to Existing]

How is it possible to cope with deteriorating self esteem while the verbal abuse continues?

[Existing in reply to Downinil]

My experience as a loner after several years of being treated like I was the problem, from so many everywhere I went:It's hard as hell, but you make sure you be there for yourself emotionally, reminding yourself who you are, doing every bit of defense not to let others define you. I always thought about that line: don't stoop to their level, don't let yourself become what they are or what they say you are. This is your life , and it's mine, and I will be damned if I let them destroy me. They have broken me, little by little, because I refuse to be numb, to be dead inside, I refuse to not feel. And so yeah, that leaves me vulnerable to their unprovoked attacks. But even as they wound me, I learn how to continue being their for me, never giving in to the hate I really do feel deep inside for people, and most of all I never give into hating myself, when those negative voices look inside. I've been doing this since I was young when the depression would start turning inward, I reminded myself that I'm all I got, and I can't afford to be adding to my problems by belittling myself.

It's a very powerful thing when you can truly value who you are, and give yourself the compassion you need. It does 2 things:

1. Compassion is love, and love is powerful in getting us through to better times because we deserve them. Self loathing leads to self destruction.

2. I found out that that being truly self compassionate make me so much more understanding and compassionate toward others. Because you get rid of the judgment. The judgment is what separates us from true compassion and understanding.

Just be there for you, no matter how bad it gets, that's your gift, by our rock, that loves you enough to live the life you are worthy of. 💗

[Existing in reply to Downinil]

And I'm one of the few with serious depression who has good healthy self esteem, and I know what Im worth because of dedicating myself to that for so many years. In those depression screenings when they say: do you feel like a failure, like you've let others down? I'm like hell no, they have let ME down! 😄 It's good to know who you are in the world. 🙏

[Downinil in reply to Existing]

Thank you so much.

[Existing]

I would like to tell you all how much it means to hear your feedback on this. I've been struggling in a place for 8 years where I feel invisible and completely isolated and alone. I have so much I need to heal from several years of really horrible things done to me by shitty mean people along the way, last and worst of all my brother and then sister, as my mom's dementia took over.

Ive been wrongfully arrested by my brother who made sure he claimed to be a victim and so much more more that I felt like I had a target on my back.

And now, where I ended up,nI reach out, try to to get back into the world, I have so much waiting to contribute like what I wrote here, but I've been ignored when I reach out for so long, where people speak over me,about me, but I literally have no voice.

I've spent my life developing skills to help people heal, it was also my field of psychology and research, and then the learning that comes from all those things I suffered, like you, like so many I need to connect with. Because my healing depends on me being able to be valued again, to make a difference by what I'm passionate and compassionate about. And I feel like I'm shut out here.

So, the fact that my words made a difference to those who read and especially those who took the time to comment, just know that you fed my soul. It's the only nourishment I've had in so many years. So, thank you more than you know it means to me.