Tomorrow is Valentine's Day - But ours is changed forever

[JoVal]

So while everyone may be looking forward to this day of love, we wake up to a day of knowing that my stepson is no longer with us. My stepson would have been 26 years old on Valentine's Day. He died almost two years ago of a drug overdose. This has turned my family inside out and rightside up. Helping my husband and my youngest to cope with this tremendous loss is never easy and will never end. My youngest struggles with the "why". my husband struggles with the idea that his son took his life on purpose, but there's no proof of it. I try to help them remember the good times, but it seems like I'm on the positive island alone. It's amazing to me how the loss of this young life has had such a ripple effect.

[Hidden]

I'm so sorry for your loss. When things like this happen there are no words....just love, hugs & sending you some comfort! XXX

[AnxietySterling]

I am sorry for your loss. I have not experienced anything close to that but I can only imagine the pain. I think that your family may need a counselor that can assist with the grief process and offer some guidance in how to cope. Stay strong

[JoVal in reply to AnxietySterling]

Thank you. At this point, my husband is unwilling to seek counseling so I have to do what's best for my children and at least make sure that I take care of myself so I can support them. I think this process has him opening his eyes to what mental illness can do to a family, but he's just not ready to take the step into therapy. I'm hoping for the best.

[lil-rose]

I'm sure your stepson would want you all to remember the good times on his birthday every year, that doesn't mean it's going to be easy for everyone to do that, but maybe it will be easier as the years go by if you keep that tradition alive.

[lil-rose in reply to lil-rose]

Has your youngest been in counseling for this loss?

[JoVal in reply to lil-rose]

I definitely choose to remember the good times, but my husband has lots of regrets that he struggles with. My stepson left behind a beautiful daughter who needs our love and support. My daughter's anxiety and depression does not allow her to remember the good times without falling into the pain of the loss. She's been in counseling since last summer and we are now considering medication since my husband is finally realizing that my daughter's pain runs deeper than he thought. I'm trying to be there and just listen and let them let out the pain to me. My daughter is very internal so she's afraid to show me her pain, but she does ask me questions here and there about my stepson.

[Imakook in reply to JoVal]

My heart goes out to you & your family. I can honestly say I love you and hope you & yours are able to find peace.

I personally know how addicting & crazy drugs are. You don't think logically or have the ability to think through the feeling, thought or depression to see a light at the end of the tunnel. Thoughts about what it will do to your family & friends are not strong enough to override the craziness that is drugs (and/or alcohol).

I pray that all of you are able to find solace in some sort of group such as grief or Al-Anon. I believe there is a group for those that lost family to suicide. My husband died of cancer on my son's 17th birthday. I also had a 13 year old son and a 7 year old daughter. My oldest got into the habit of getting rip-roaring drunk each year on his birthday as well as doing lots of drugs. There was nothing I could do to help him. He eventually found help.

Do you think it would help, or you could even manage to turn Valentine's Day into a celebration of his life & what he would want for you? Like maybe each making a gift that would remind him of each of you or would be what he was to you. I believe he would want his sister & daughter to enjoy Valentine's Day "on him". It might even help with the healing.

I don't know your stepson's name, but he's definitely i my thoughts today. Take care & Huge Hugs!!!

PS - My best friend lost her stepson to suicide 3 years ago in January. He just had a birthday last Sunday. Just so happened that me, my dog & another friend went to their house for the weekend & had a fun time. Surrounding yourselves with friends diminishes the sadness a bit.

[JoVal in reply to Imakook]

Thank you so much for your warm words. Although there was never any proof of suicide, my husband swears it was. I don't want to believe that he would've purposely took his own life, but at the end of the day, it doesn't even matter anymore. His addiction was kept a secret by him and his mother and by the time we were informed of what was happening, he was so deep into it. Although I try to remind my daughter and husband that his birthday should be a day of celebration and rememberance of those good times, it's still difficult for us to talk about those moments without ending up in tears. I know one day we'll be able to say his name and smile at his memory.

[AnxietySterling]

You are doing the right thing. Nothing you can offer if you do not take care of yourself. I hope things get better with time.

[fauxartist]

first off, let me say I'm terribly sorry for you and your family's loss. And yes, the ripple effect is that of a pebble thrown into a pond, it just keeps going. I have two good friends who lost a son to suicide, and it was due to a sudden stop in taking his Paxil. It was the most heartbreaking thing I've ever experienced with good friends. When you have lost a child you never really recover. Grief and loss counselling helps to not blame, or have guilt towards yourself or another, we have no control over what people do. I hope you all get an opportunity to work through this with some guidance to help understand your feelings around this loss.