Can’t stand it

[CCRae13]

In a previous post I mentioned that I’m living with my ex husband for financial reasons and because we can help each other take care of my son. But I am sick and tired of it!! It feels more like we are three roommates. My ex and son share a room and I have the other one. There are things when it comes to raising my son that are important to me and no matter how many times I say something, my ex seems to have no concern or respect for those things. For example with me my son always had a bedtime and on weekends a more lenient one. He is 9 and I know how important sleep and structure are. I will get him ready for bed, send him to bed, only to have his dad sit on his computer in their room doing his hw. Or stay up until midnight watching tv. Or my favorite go to bed and leave my son up playing video games....which by the way I hate.

Honesty I could go on and on about these and many other seemingly small but significant things. He is a good dad but a lazy parent. I’m not perfect but I’m trying to give my son structure and discipline and am sick and tired of being undermined, given attitude, and then having to be the bad guy when “mom says it’s time to go to bed” or “mom says you need to turn off the video games”

I can’t control my ex but I’m sick of feeling trapped here in a house I don’t feel is my home, with a man I no longer want to be with but share a child with, while watching his haphazard parenting. I’m dying to leave and get my own place!! I planned to stay a year but can’t stand it or accept it. I’m not where I wanted to be financially but I’ve been worse and feel I can make it work. Everyone around me tells me it’s better to stay and stick it out and deal. I know there are a lot worse situations than mine but I hate living like this.

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I can understand what you are going through. It is very difficult. What you need to do is start planning to move. Your ex should not be unsupportive towards you. As your child needs to listen to you because you are a good parent. I am the same with my spouse at times and it does get a bit hard at times. Start to put money aside and start looking for a place to for you to move. Even if it is with a local friend for the time because you seem desperate to move. Plus you can use some support from what you are going through. Start looking into possibilities and work towards them. Set goals and reach them. Again I understand it is hard and also know you are a strong person. Keep being strong and go in the direction you feel is best for you.

[hypercat54]

Hi I don't agree with sticking to an arrangement which makes you so unhappy. It must be affecting your son too. I think it is much better to have one good parent than living in this atmosphere for both of you. x

[CCRae13 in reply to hypercat54]

I agree and it is making me unhappy, I could argue that moving out would have new stresses too but I feel that it would still be better. He’s not a bad dad but my son is affected although he would tell you it’s fine. No 9 year old cares about bedtime and socializing and quality family time, but those things are what we are supposed to enforce.

[CCRae13 in reply to hypercat54]

I think you’re the first I’ve heard to disagree with me staying though lol. Maybe I’m looking for permission or validation I’m not sure. I tend to doubt myself.

[hypercat54 in reply to CCRae13]

Well I am validating you! I was brought up in a home where my mother hated my father and there was always tension and undercurrents which have had lasting effects on my and my siblings.

You are trying to be a good and responsible parent but your partner isn't and is fighting you all the way. If he can't be on the same side as you then he needs to be gone. Work on getting away as soon as you can is my advice. x

[CCRae13 in reply to hypercat54]

I guess I’ve assumed that my son was just happier having us both in the same house. It hasn’t occurred to me that whatever even small tensions we have might affect him or that he would even notice. I guess it’s easy to argue with myself too that he isn’t that bad and that it’s just me and is it enough of a reason to take the risk of moving back out too soon. Then there’s the fear of that risk that maybe I’m being irresponsible or something. The fear that I won’t find a decent place or my credit is too bad or I haven’t paid off enough bills or saved up enough money.

[hypercat54 in reply to CCRae13]

Children notice everything as they are very sharp. It will be adversely affecting him. You need to move for his sake if not your own. x

[CCRae13 in reply to hypercat54]

Yes they soak up so much more than we realize I guess I thought I was the only one bothered. He doesn’t say anything about it and seems fine. If anything it feels like he sides with his dad and I’m the bad guy he’s just annoyed with when I enforce things.

[hypercat54 in reply to CCRae13]

He is getting mixed messages that's why. Of course all kids would rather be able to do what they want, but what they do really need is rules and stability. Most kids when given the chance play parents off against each other! x

[CCRae13 in reply to hypercat54]

Yeah I guess never thought he might do that. We split up right after he turned four so this is the first time we’ve been in a situation where he really could. I don’t know how to talk to his dad. Most of the time I don’t want to. We are pleasant but in a neighborly sort of way. When we were together and would disagree I just closed up and it built up. Now that I’m here, though I’ve changed and am a stronger person, I feel like I’m right back there. I don’t know how to tell him I want to move because I don’t feel like he would be willing to help me even though that’s what this whole agreement was about. He seems to care more about getting his half of the bills from me than helping me get back on my feet. In order to move as soon as possible I’d need a couple months without paying rent. I’m afraid to have that conversation and afraid he doesn’t understand what the problem is in the first place.

[hypercat54 in reply to CCRae13]

It doesn't really matter if he sees the problem or not. You do and you want to leave and that is enough.

Have you got any family/friends who can help? x

[CCRae13 in reply to hypercat54]

I can’t ask them. I don’t have any friends and my family thinks I need to stay. They have helped me over the years financially far more than I wanted to ask for and I simply cannot ask them for more in that way. Besides I don’t think they could help me financially even if they did understand. So it’s either I very slowly pick up a bunch of extra shifts and slowly save money. Or he lets me save my money instead of rent so that I can move out.

[Stella180 in reply to CCRae13]

I had a similar situation a few years back and I can only tell you what I learned. Neither I nor my kids dad had anywhere to go when the relationship broke down so we stayed living in the same home for months. It was horrible. It had a huge impact on the kids seeing us argue and the structure of family falling apart around them. I too thought having both parents around was best for the kids but I was soooo wrong. It actually caused more harm. Getting away from your ex is the best thing you can do for both you and your son

[CCRae13 in reply to Stella180]

Yeah I just keep thinking it’s just me! Bc we don’t argue never did. We get along but I’m sure my son at the very least can see how unhappy I am. I keep thinking it’s not bad we get along they are fine it’s just me. I don’t know what the right thing to do is. Like I said I feel like I don’t have a good enough reason to risk moving out too soon. Is because I just want to a good enough reason even if it means money will be tighter.