Since about 6 months ago I’ve been struggling with depression. I had a very complicated childhood, I experienced violence in home. I came to England 2 years ago because of my job profession, looking to build a better life. I met this guy and we had a relationship which I think was amazing, I believed he was the man of my life. He used to support me and help me as I’m completely alone in this country and also I supported him and gave my best to make him feel loved. A few months ago I started to have flashbacks, nightmares and bad feelings, I started hating myself, feeling hopeless and sometimes I think the best for me is death. I used to tell this to him, I know he can’t give me the help I need, but I was hoping he could make me feel better. The problem was he started to say he couldn’t deal with my problem after 1y and half of relationship. He started to not listen, one time he insulted me badly and said how ridiculous I am because I feel tired all the time. I wanted to commit suicide that day. We decide to give it one more chance, he said he said that in the heat of the argument and he promised to try to be a better person. Last week he went shopping for me, helped cleaning my home and drove miles to buy some food from my home country. But I saw a message of his best mate trying to convince him to break up with me and I got upset and, Wednesday we argued again. He complained about the energy bill and I said “maybe if you don’t have 2 long showers a day and turn off your PlayStation we save up more” and he went mad. He called me a dictator. I tried my best to calm down but all I could do was cry. I ended saying to him to do what he wanted if that makes him happy. Thursday I got home from work he was left the house. Friday he came while I was working to empty his stuff, leaving just a few clothes and hygiene product behind. He left me with no tv, computer, nothing to do. And then he called and broke up, he said to me my depression will make him mad and put him in a hospital. He said he doesn’t love me because of my low mood. I ended finding his home keys in the post box.
Now I’m really scared, he knew I have no friends and family here and I don’t know what to do. I feel I arrived to the bottom of a hole, depressed and miserable as I have no friends to talk or to go and get some fresh air. All I have left is a empty house. It’s been a few times I think about suicide, I’m desesperated. I’ve been waiting for councilling for nearly 3 months now, I tried to contact him to at least try to be his friend as I’m alone here but he never spoke with me again. All I have now is our house and bills to pay that won’t allow me to buy food if I pay them by my own.
Please what can I do? 😭