OCD, BPD, Physical Disability, and Caregiver Hell

[Norm640]

I don't know why I was born, or for what reason. If there is a reason it must be because I am evil.

I am 49, for 30 years I've battled "Harm OCD", which is the fear/urge/obsession that I'm going to harm/kill someone. In this case it was always my parents. I've probably had Borderline Personality Disorder my entire life, I get intensely angry/rageful, I split, see things in black and white and am very sensitive. When I was 39 I broke my back, and even after surgery I am still disabled. But I have been denied disability 2 times. I haven't worked since 2013.

I live with my father. 2 years ago he got rectal cancer. He's 82 now. He refuses to get a colostomy, and doesn't want infusion chemo. Now, I respect that because even the doctors said chemo and the surgery might kill him. But here's the thing: rectal cancer can get very messy with fecal incontinence. We don't have running water. He has to clean himself with wet wipes and sometimes blood and fecal matter get everywhere.

On top of this is the fact that my harm OCD makes me try to avoid him even though I have to be his caregiver. SO the anxiety is off the charts. I fear I'm going to lose control any minute. People with harm OCD hate to be around people they perceive as weaker than them, or more vulnerable. When I get angry at him, which is intense because of the BPD, I fear I'm going to hurt him.

If there is a God I'd like to smack him for putting a guy whose harm OCD is about his father in charge of his father's care. That and how much things have changed over the last 2 years have made me a completely different person. I have run out of empathy and compassion, I have gone non-stop for 2 years caregiving and couple that with the OCD/BPD and lack of money I've completely gone insane.

Just me talking about it makes me think I"m going to lose it and go crazy. I don't know why I was born, why things keep getting worse, why nothing good happens to me, ever. And I'll never forgive God for this. Ever.

[LoveforAll41]

hi Norm, I am so sorry you are going through so much. I cannot imagine having to deal with all of that. That you keep hanging on day to day not doing bad things that you fear you may do I think shows that you are a good person. How are you living now? Is there any provision for therapy for you and a place for you father to get care or get some support at home? I am sure you have looked in to that...

Something that I have just dabbled with is the Feeling Good app that might be a bit of a replacement for in-person therapy. If you email them they will give you the app free... I wish you peace, and for what it is worth I think all that is unjust will be made right in the next life. That is just my personal belief though.☮️

[Norm640 in reply to LoveforAll41]

Well, thanks, I appreciate it.

[CLB1125]

hi that’s a lot to deal with. I don’t know what country you’re in but my advice to getting your disability is to find a lawyer that doesn’t get paid unless they win your case. Then they get 10% usually. Appeal the denial and if you win, they pay you back pay from the time you first applied. Just some personal insight.

Not having running water has to be really difficult to live from day to day . You and your father are in a tough situation. You can check with your county or city to see if they have any in home care programs.

I wish for you and your dad grace. ❤️

[Norm640 in reply to CLB1125]

There's no way we are going to get a nurse to come here. It's so dirty and nasty. He'd never do it. Thanks for your reply.

[worthytobeloved]

I'm so sorry to hear of the horrific situation both you and your father are in. Do the health authorities in your country know about your situation, and surely your government should at least make sure you have running water.You really need professional help - not just for your father, but for yourself. My thoughts are with you, and I really hope you'll find someone to talk to about your problems and that you get the help and support you need.

[Zhangliqun]

I know you'd like to smack God and BPD keeps you angry all the time, but consider the possibility that God is training you to be a mentor to others in your situation. There are others like you out there, or soon will be, and they will need your help.