This past month and a half has been very difficult. My now ex boyfriend( over 2 years together) dumped me out of the blue due to his “needing to focus on fixing himself in his depression”. He has told me that he loves me, that he has never loved someone as much as me and I am his best friend in the same speech. He told me I need to move on and then talked about getting back together. He has said he is trying to protect me from himself. This man is my best friend and I am so in love with him. His major fear when he dumped me was that he would lose me. Yes, his fear was losing me. So we decided to set romance aside for a bit. We still kiss and say I love you. He won’t go out and do things with me anymore unless he asks ( but will with our other friends). He has said that I am putting too much pressure on him by asking him but I don’t know why he can with others. Also, I do love him and can’t turn it off. I think it is an unrealistic expectation to expect me to do that. My feelings and hurts are not being addressed and he keeps talking about me to people instead of to me. I guess, his therapist told him that he should never feel annoyed by me and he needs to set boundaries ( I was talking to him when he wanted to mow his lawn). Why do my feelings and thoughts and emotions not matter in this? I want to be there for him as his best friend but I am in love and don’t know how to turn that off?
I don’t understand the back and forth! He kissed me then doesn’t want to. He asks me to go out and then gets upset if I ask him. He wants me and doesn’t. Please help me understand. All I do anymore is go home and cry. I am thinking that I just need to tell him to not contact me again until I feel ok to talk to him?
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Ezbeats2006
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Seriously, what you just said is what you both need. He is prioritising himself and controlling you in the same breath. He has said enough to you to keep you with him, showing vulnerability, talking about how he needs support etc etc etc, but at the same time pushed you away, saying don't bother me with your problems.
If you want a decent relationship with this person you gotta treat him as he is treating you. It's the only way that you get peace of mid and he has a chance of understanding your perspective. Don't go out with hi upon his say so, if he is not willing to be there for you. You are not his mum, told hold his hand and stay strong yourself about your problems. Relationships are a bidirectional thing, not unidirectional. He is too self-absorbed, which is making him depressed and selfish, if he thought about others, he wouldn't have SO much time to be depressed as he would be getting on with things and he would make achievements in his life which automatically reduce depression.
Sorry to be harsh, but the man is manipulating your emotions. You need to be stronger and show him that if he won't prioritise you then when he says he loves you he, in truth, doesn't actually know the meaning of the words and isn't loving you. Loving someone is all about doing whatever you can to make things better for the other. He's not doing that. If you stay away for a bit, you will be teaching him the mistakes he is making and he should improve.
Just remember. If you back off, when he grovels and repeats his mistake (he will) you add another week to the next break. So he understands he can't just manipulate you back for his whims, but love you as you truly deserve.
I agree...A one-sided selfish relationship will do nothing but hurt you and as painful and hard as it is the sooner you get out the sooner you can heal and move on. I’ve been in this situation… I’ve seen it with my friends and it always seems like there’s more complicating factors but it really is quite simple
Thank you! I needed to hear those words. I keep running around in the hamster wheel and it is not ok. If he wants any form of a relationship he will need to put some work in. I am so hurt and by this. Like last night, he took one of his gal pals to a concert but it is too much to do anything with me. Again ouch! I guess I need to rip this bandage off tonight!
He doesn't want any responsibility. If he goes somewhere with a mate, they just part ways at the end. That's what he wants. No baggage. He's not considering your feelings. Even if he was, he's viewing it as a burden not a responsibility or duty/ honour. Some people just cant deal with emotional responsibility. Sounds like he's one of them.
Sorry again about the harshness. I just want people to get sorted asap. I hope he learns in time.
I did tell him that I didn’t want to talk to him. He looked so confused and hurt. I got to speak about how I feel and what is going on for me, which was nice. He actually listened. He didn’t want me to stop talking to him but I am going to back off for at least a month or two. We have tickets to a football game next weekend. I am still debating on going or not. I do want to go. Taking it day by day and not contacting or asking to do anything is my plan. If he asks... I am going to start being “busy”, so he can learn how to treat me.
If you really want to go to the match, try and get some friends to tag along, so its not just the two of you. The issue comes when you are on your own, due to expectations. In a group, he can't be one way demanding, and you can even ignore him a little (noise of the crowd n all).
If you say it in a fairness way then hopefully, he'll understand. I hope your previous conversation where you said he was listening means he has already started understanding. It will be tough, but you can do it.
He needs to understand that he needs to reflect on exactly what does he want from you, and then to realise, that he can only ask for that which he is willing to give. It's not fair on you to end up feeling upset because of his confused, hurt look when he keeps on hurting you and doesn't notice the effect he is having on you. It's all two ways.
There is never any harm in being a bit busy. Just don't go excessive. Try to be as 'busy as he is' and not too much. You only want him to understand, not feel rejected and dejected. Make sure you are actually busy. Start a course/ hobby or something, so your mind is distracted from him or you may struggle to keep it up.
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