Getting comfortable with anger direct... - Anxiety and Depre...

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Getting comfortable with anger directed at YOU

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Hi everyone!

I've recently reached out to various members of my extended family during this stressful time. I wasn't too suprised to learn one was angry at me.

Why are they angry you ask? I did not call and see how they were doing quickly enough. I have committed this offense before and she really has had it with me this time. The understood protocol is for me to call her. (Never the other way around.)

Ok - so why am I bothering you all with this?

I just realized that my greatest fear as a child (when I first started withdrawing and getting depressed) was the anger of this one person: very little physical harm, but the angry, disappointed face; the week-long silent treatment; the biting passive agression; the using of her body to physically prevent me from entering certain rooms.

I've been saying to myself when I think about our recent exchange: she is angry at me. She is very angry AT ME!

Now you're probably wondering why on earth would I do that? Isn't that the dreaded rumination taking hold?

Well, not really.

I look at it like a video I recently saw on YouTube, in which someone was trying to desensitize a horse to flags by letting the horse sniff it and then rubbing the flag all over the horse; letting it get used to the sound, the texture- so it doesn't get spooked.

In the same vein, by realizing my sister's anger, I'm learning to live with what I most feared. This is what I most FEARED! She is angry, here come the dreaded consequences, here they come....

And yet I'm still alive, typing on my smartphone.

Apparently, going to live another day to get her angry again (oops!)

50 Replies
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Hi gnmyers.

So true. I think as adults we re live or keep reacting as we did as helpless little kids. That is what happens, yet we can remind ourselves that we are not dependent children. We are adults who can think, stand up for ourselves, and protect ourselves from toxic people.

Thanks for posting. Best wishes!

Hidden
Hidden in reply to Poodie

Thank you poodie! I was just sitting here, in my semi-isolation, mulling things over and realized: my sister wants me to feel bad, but I haven't done anything wrong. Just that sentence " I haven't done anything wrong" I stand behind 100% !

It feels like a light bulb went on: don't feel ashamed of a wrong that you didn't commit. I mean, a lifetime of my older sister doing this. I need to get a tattoo: don't feel ashamed when you've done no wrong

Poodie
Poodie in reply to Hidden

Yes. You are smart to figure things out so these comments do not continue to bring you down.

Isn’t that a good feeling when that life bulb goes on !?

Hidden
Hidden in reply to Poodie

It's the best. :)

I do wish I could control other people’s reactions... it would make life way easier for a minute or so... I figure taking it as it comes probably a better idea... sometimes people change and sometimes they don’t... it’s too bad when they do not stop meeting our negative expectations... I prefer when people surprise us with unexpected reactions or behaviour that are way more thoughtful and supportive but we can’t always get what we want eh? 😊🤔☀️

Hidden
Hidden in reply to CanuckAnon

I know. I was realizing that I wanted my sister to behave differently, when I was talking through things with a friend. "I want her to behave differently!" Sounds like a ludicrous wish. I'm saying : Please don't be yourself! Lol

Hidden
Hidden in reply to Hidden

Im jealous of people who haven't spoken to family members in years. That takes some guts.

CanuckAnon
CanuckAnon in reply to Hidden

It has pros and cons...😊

CanuckAnon
CanuckAnon in reply to Hidden

You can not imagine how many times I have uttered this to the dogs or myself or inside my head when I’m trying to control my spinning crap...lol 😂 going out for a walk RIGHT now due to this very feeling! Weird timing... 🤔😉

Hidden
Hidden in reply to CanuckAnon

And to think that accusation echos in the mind dozens of times a day. Its no wonder a person feels like crap. Its a minor miracle we made it out of bed. Lol.

I need to say "!No!" Anytime it crosses my mind.

CanuckAnon
CanuckAnon in reply to Hidden

I’m trying... back now.

Has this happened to you? Asking for a friend of course cuz this type thing would send me back to bed and not into a bubble bath..😉being blamed for a reaction you didn’t have to a reoccurring situation that previously you reacted differently but not now. In this moment... assumed accusations rings true right now for this friend... I told her to grin and bear as time heals all but I’m not sure I’m buying my own advice....😐

I have a rotten family I have alienated myself from them.

You need to start calling her at various times when you know She is in, if She gets nasty say you were busy and had other things to do. Regular timetable to phone her is small in your agenda, in other words you were busy, ask as well why She cannot call you at alternate times. Now I am lucky my Wife gets all the calls. You have to put your foot down this will just get worse and She will just keep insulting you.

BOB

Hidden
Hidden in reply to borderriever

In the past, I would try to reach her and she would get back to me after 10 msgs. I was like a dog.

Well, something happened 2 years ago and I quit reaching out (except for major holidays) so now, I only talk to her on major holidays because that's when I call. She never calls.

I really am getting more comfortable with standing up for myself thank god. I have an aversion to being thought of as a "bitch" and probably have an unhealthy need to be thought a "good" girl.

Being good is nice of course, but not if it comes at a great personal cost. Im trying to remember the other parts of my identity beyond "good girl" like "artist" and "writer"...

CanuckAnon
CanuckAnon in reply to Hidden

Thoughtful, quirky cool sense of humour, good hearted... should I go on? 😊

Hidden
Hidden in reply to CanuckAnon

Who are you

:)

CanuckAnon
CanuckAnon in reply to Hidden

Me

Hidden
Hidden in reply to CanuckAnon

Well I'm very glad you're here.

michelle1990
michelle1990 in reply to Hidden

You don’t have to be known as the “nice” one or any special title. Just be known as YOU. As who you are. As her sister. If she can not accept you for who you are, for the gifts you have in your own personality, then walk away with your head held up high.

You yes YOU are important in every way each of us are. Remember that always. Each of us have a wonderful gift to share with another. 💜

Hidden
Hidden in reply to michelle1990

Thank you. :) You are right.

Sometimes being a bitch may be the only way to sort Her out. Why does she not call you.

With my lot I can go forever without calling, I just get upset when I used to call, personally I cannot be bothered with people who try and control me.

The loss of respect is something we all need to fight , How would She feel if you did the same to Her

Take back the respect you have for yourself

BOB

Hidden
Hidden in reply to borderriever

Im trying to take it back (although I feel like I never actually had it with her)

I think it's all about control with her. I could go on . But its a headache lol. And probably a little boring lol.

Thank you for responding!

borderriever
borderriever in reply to Hidden

She is the boring one, she is so predictable, BORING.

Personally you need to claim back your life, and She needs to understand She has to show you respect, personally I would tell her to go to the Hot place and get stocked

No respect no telephone calls, she will come around and if She does not, good riddance.

BOB

Hidden
Hidden

Lol thank you. :)

Some people will say you are a birch because they do not like you to stand up for yourself. Always consider the source.

When I was younger I would get more depressed every time I saw my family.

Then all of a sudden I decided, I’ve had it. I’m done .

I had had a full time stillborn. For some reason ? that triggered me to change. It was as if I said , ok my baby died. I could not do anything about that, but now I am able and going to take care of myself.

I ended conversations when they were rude, I told them directly I was sick of it, I would hang up or walk away.?

I was called crazy and a bitch. But wow did it feel good to finally look out for me.

There are plenty of good people worth our time and love.

Hidden
Hidden

Thank you. I think there's alot of truth to what you wrote. :)

Hidden
Hidden

Thank you to everyone who replied. It's gratifying to get a message across and be reaffirmed.

Hey

I know this feeling... ive felt this either by certain friends or family members all my life that fear i have upset someone again and made them angry then i know my life will b made uneasy for a while till they accept me again...

Trying to make everyone like me more so im in the click...

Then i hit 35 and some one said to me “ life is like a bag of potatoes, u have one rotten one in that bag and it will rot all the others so chuck that one out

Asap” and it was like a “ lightbulb” moment and i realised i don’t care.. i don’t care if i don’t make u happy all time. U don’t make me happy either!!! I don’t care if something i didn’t do made u feel angry, do it urself!

I am so over making u happy as u dont seem to care u make me feel bad.

I have literally wiped out friends and family members over this...

The ones who care realise and change and the ones who don’t ur b happy u lost....

Im 46 now and im soooo happy i got rid of them people.

DO NOT ACCEPT PEOPLE ANGER ... it usually coz there really miserable with there own lives

Hidden
Hidden

Amen, sister!

Life IS like a bag of potatoes!

Lol!!

CanuckAnon
CanuckAnon in reply to Hidden

I like that... gives me rotten ones to Chuck around... lol

Being exposed to a fear and learning that while it might be uncomfortable and even upsetting, it won't kill us or ruin our lives is a valuable lesson. Your sister must have her own issues that she is dealing with and those problems do not have to become your problems. Boundaries are the best gift we can give ourselves.

Hidden
Hidden in reply to alonensad

She really does. I spent years sympathizing with her thinking we could get there together but then I realized I was the one who was trying and really in no position to create something new with such a history.

I really need to be with people who are on my side.

Boundaries are necessary; just another type of respect.

CanuckAnon
CanuckAnon in reply to Hidden

i like your new name... seems more fitting in a way... who u really are eh?!? 😊🎼❤️🧘🏼‍♀️🐶

Hidden
Hidden in reply to CanuckAnon

Thanks. Chekov's one of my favorite writers and it just jumped in my head.

CanuckAnon
CanuckAnon in reply to Hidden

I have Motörhead running thru mine... lmao

alonensad
alonensad in reply to Hidden

Have you ever seen any Chekov performed live?

Hidden
Hidden in reply to alonensad

No I haven't. I'm more into his short stories. They are the best!

Ah my therapist had me red a book named, “what other people think of you, is none of your business”

I have a massive preoccupation of being seen as a good girl, perfection etc. now at 55 I realize how ridiculously unrealistic it is. ( was) but I still catch myself doing it! How silly times awasting! I’ve got a life to live as much as I can

Yet I go back to hugging someone who is disappointed in men( hi mom!) lol. They know how to push the buttons because the installed them years ago . Now my job is to uninstall. I hope you have a great a therapist as mine !

Laughter helps and the realization that time is so precious, it’s not worth being cowed by some heavy eye rolling. Next time she does it: get on hands and knees and pretend to look for something.

When she asks what you are doing, say looking for one of her eyes cus that one was a doozy. Let her know you aren’t intimidated lol

Hidden
Hidden in reply to cctexan

She installed the buttons lol ! Thank you. I'll have to bring this up with my therapist when back from hiatus.

I maybe can understand your situation,my sister's have never listened to or valued me.AlthoughI have come to realize that they are the problem,not me.I would rather b sensitive and caring,than cold and self-righteous.I wish we could wave a magic wand and have everyone know us for who we truly are.When u come frm an alcoholic family no one can ever b real,we all play a game.As this world is in Crisis we need to surround ourselves w peeps that can love and appreciate us.Family or not! Keep being good to yourself. We r in this together!

Hidden
Hidden in reply to lindaloutoo

Thank you for responding. You know family child abuse is usually framed as a parental thing. As a whole, society just doesn't recognize sibling abuse.

There had to something from her childhood to trigger this Anger?

My mom was so angry that I was born a Girl? She wouldn’t celebrate my birthday because validated my birth? This went on for 23 years, she started needing me, financially and I did, didn’t want to become her. My 6 brothers didn’t help her back then, don’t know Why?

Best thing to do is to stay away from her till she behaves Better and sit down with you to get to the bottom of it? These kinds of people need boundaries, I did that with my mom. And wrote her letter on how she made me feel. Don’t let her make you feel Guilty, that will be more ammunition for her to use your feeling Guilty that You did something Wrong? Stand you’re Ground.

Hidden
Hidden in reply to Want2BHappy3

I'm trying to stand my ground.

I think this is the time when I'm supposed to texting her , " How are you doing, feeling ok?" And endure her cold replies. I haven't done anything. Honestly, it is a little hard but Ive been keeping myself busy with other pursuits.

I think something definitely happened in childhood- although she was always this way with me. It's too long a story :) lol but I appreciate your reply!

She must see you as an easy target. You are doing nothing wrong.

My sister only calls when she needs me to do something. I stopped caring about her mood. She has two kids, 15 and 21. I have spent my energy on them. When I see she is in a mood, they get the aggression. I will step in between when I can. She does not hurt me any more.

She angers me sometimes, but I don't fear her. After 50 years of being sisters, I am over her shenanigans and I tell her so.

Good luck. Stay safe.

Hidden
Hidden in reply to Lazy_dog_lover

Im very happy for you. :) I hope someday to not give a @#$%

I am getting acquainted with fear . For years I would do everything to avoid it, she had such an emotional power over me- just that angry,silent face. I think it was harder because it has such a slippery nature. If I would ask what is wrong, the answer was "nothing" "Im not mad" while the eyes were full of hate.

I have four older sisters. They are all "tough" people, at least externally. Im not this way. I am trying to accept myself as is, but also protect myself. :) thank you for responding . So much truth in what you wrote!

I’m in the same situation as you!! I stopped speaking to her for months I texted her for her birthday. Soon enough after her birthday she texted

Me she wanted to keep in touch again with remorse!! I feel for it!! We agreed to put aside differences soon we spoke occasionally & texted

Each other . She would say talk soon. Never heard from her. Soon enough I got a text for my birthday. By the way she was angry because I texted her for her birthday & didn’t call her. She wouldn’t take my calls how could I call and wish her a happy birthday? Haven’t heard from her it’s been months I don’t need a hostle relationship. Less stress. Now with this virus I would lime to speak with her but if I try who knows? Wish she acted differently. Jealous sisters!!!

Not your fault

Hidden
Hidden in reply to Marielle1

Yea, its the same passive agressive games: won't take calls, but how dare you text!? Lol

Yes, hostile relationship is an apt term for mine as well.

Well good for us both for recognizing it for what it is. :)

I like the way you express yourself, such is life..(CES'T LA VIE!!) You seem to have the hangings on things. We have no control over other people, but how we respond to other's shortcomings does matter. For me kindness usually works!

Conquer those that are unkind with kindness and compassion, add some love! This crazy world can use it. I know it's not easy, but it works for me!(JW.ORG)

Hidden
Hidden in reply to JEHOVAH007

Thank you. I totally agree, how we respond does matter! Love that. :)

The compassion thing--oh boy, that's a little artificial right now. I think of that line from the poet Marge Piercy "...her good nature wore out like a fan belt "

I go through similar feelings. Mostly with my significant other. He lashes out at me with the most cutting and hurtful remarks when he is angry/ frustrated. I really don't know what to say except I guess you just get used to not being really loved...

Me, I went dead inside last week. Now, I just ACT the way people expect me to.

Please don't let yourself get like me!

Hidden
Hidden in reply to K9jan

You know I use to have a mixture of frustration,anger and love for my sister. I realized a few months ago that hate has arrived. There's a little love kicking around, there's some sympathy some apathy and there's hate. Actual hate. You're not supposed to hate and I hate someone lol.

I'm sorry about your husband. Can you leave him?

Lol

Sorry, I'd be a lousy marriage counselor.

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