When you can't be enough - Supportive Struggling Partner

[Dont_Blink]

This morning I woke up shaky. My stomach was in knots, my chest felt tight, and the ground felt uncertain. Another argument with my partner last night, one that I tried so hard to make productive and kind, erupted in to harsh words and a depleting sense of loneliness. It's not uncommon anymore, but this one hit different. This one I knew I tried. This one did not come with an easy way to blame myself and take the weight off of him.

My partner is depressed. The type of depression that has worked its way in to you physically an mentally and becomes the screaming voice inside your head that over takes all other voices. The one that lives in fight or flight and only knowns defense and contempt. The life he has lead up to this point has been difficult, and he still managed to beat the odds in most respects.

He grew up with zero love an affection. I don't mean the simple not held enough as a child, but the version that causes a person to wire them selves to no longer need it for the child to survive and the later adult to reap the consequences. He learned the lesson that shutting down your emotions and never giving way to them was the safest way to survive the beatings and lack of basic emotional connection. Because of this, emotions are confusing, overwhelming, and untrustworthy. Validating anything other that very clear, logical emotion is asking him to climb everest. We are both aware of this.

Along with the depression he is a master at executive function, logic, black and white, and the bounds of his intelligence are endless. All things that I do not have myself.

For me, understanding and providing empathy for emotions is as easy as breathing. It is part of who I am and something I live for. When we work, we WORK. We both have the capabilities to bring our skills together to make magic, we have been in these places before.

Our current situation is.....lonely. He currently works a job that requires rotating shifts and VERY little time off. We have been in this situation for a little over three years. The irregular sleep has set off a chain reaction of continued deepening depression, both affecting him physically and mentally. I am trying desperately to remain kind, understanding, and loving. He is either working or sleeping ang and the energy he does have to be part of the family is minimal and directed primarily at our son who is 3. Those of you who have a 3 year old can most likely imagine the amount of stress that the feral little thing can have on your cortisol levels, as well as my 12 year old daughter who is an emotional rollercoaster of hormones and very reactive responses to all things. Life is difficult. And I am so so lonely.

Any time I try to gently approach the topic, my ocean of emotional understanding overfills the water glass he is trying to expand and he becomes immediately defensive despite me using years of education and experience to refrain from placing blame and work together on the issue. It seems almost the more effort I put in to my communication the more inferior he feels and the more angry he gets. I have been an emotionally abused victim of his depression.

This man is worthy of love. The small child in him is desperate to protect in the only way he was taught, and I so badly want to hold him and tell him that he is safe. That no one is here to hurt him and he is not at fault for any of this, and it is his responsibility. But it is like trying to soothe a pissed off porcupine.

There is a small light in that the extensive overtime will end in about 3 months, but in the mean time.... how to I support him, and survive the ache of feeling alone in a room full of people. There is so much more to this story clearly, but for those of you on the other side, or even in a better place.... Help. And for those of you in a similar place, I see you. Maybe we are not that alone...

[fauxartist]

I don't know you or your partner, and I can only speak from my own experience.... but I think your partner may be suffering from more than just depression, would certainly seek professional help to get proper help and understanding.... Child abuse and emotional abandonment is a deep trauma that causes that knee-jerk reactive temperament sometimes in survivors...there of course are so many other issues like BPD etc. that are similar...but for me, its my CPTSD from child abandonment and abuse. And it's very difficult for our partners to deal with sometimes, and unfair.... because they often wish they could fix us, and often they are left holding the emotional hurt from our outbursts.... I'm sorry your going through this, and sorry your partner had to grow up with what so many of us here have had to.

I have felt a lot of guilt and shame over the years for hurting my partner's feelings, but forgiving myself and making amends where I can, and yes....taking responsibility for my actions so as to not dump on my partner what was not their fault, is part of my healing process. I will always have this emotional injury, it's deep-seated into my psyche...but getting therapy, and learning all you can is power over this stuff, knowledge is power.

[Dont_Blink in reply to fauxartist]

Thank you for your openness. I am positive there is more than just deep depression, he did see someone for a while, and unfortunately under up with a dud of a physiatrist only forwarding his resistance to discussing emotional health. I never want to give him the impression I want to fix him. I can't. It's a journey he has to choose to walk. I am really just trying to speak the language to convince all the parts of him, that he does not have to do it alone, that I will love him through it.....without being the target. It's helpful to see the possibilities. He deserves to feel joy and love.

[fauxartist in reply to Dont_Blink]

You deserve to feel joy and love too.... and you have to learn to protect yourself. For one thing....when he projects....it's not at you, no matter what hurtful words he says...he's lashing out at the past....and not you. Call him on it....tell him even though you understand that it's not about you...there's no letting him off the hook. I am not saying to make him feel worse, but in a calm and direct way, yes.... you have to do this to make him aware of the damage.

It's difficult to deal with emotionally damaged people....they become child like when they are triggered, and reactive....but you have to learn to stop being the target.... walk away... let them know this is not about you.... this is about them.... And when you seek professional help, you have to find a 'good fit', as they say, by asking that therapist if they are well versed in dealing with abandonment and abuse issues... your paying them, you have a right to proper care. And if affordability is the issue, there are other alternatives.

I would suggest you look up abandonment issues...stay away from any paid stuff, there's plenty of free stuff out there. And there is a group called ACoA.... it's about dealing with dysfunctional families and how we are affected from it as adult children...just know it's a 12 step...but you don't have to get into any religious stuff...it's about understanding the problem and the solution...and that this is a long term thing. There are other groups as well... this is a huge problem that affects millions, and still isn't well acknowledged, I think.

[worthytobeloved]

I love the fact that you're so astute in seeing the whole situation, and understanding of why he's like that. If you can, stick with what you're doing as best you can - being supportive and understanding, but honest about how it affects you. Hopefully, in time, he'll become more relaxed and easier to live with. Be as kind to yourself as you can - you've got a lot on your plate, and you need to be your own best friend. Wishing you and your family all the best.

[Midori]

Hi There,

Please, while you are supporting your husband, make sure you also support yourself and your children too.

Children absorb what they see their parents doing and saying to each other; and can grow up thinking this is the normal way to act.

Can you get yourself some Family therapy, because I am very worried that this could all escalate into violence. as it did between my husband and me. Eventually my children and I had to escape for our self preservation. Even though they were 3 and 1 they had already absorbed portions of his attitudes, the elder, my daughter is almost as narcissistic as her father was. Now they are both adults my daughter and I don't communicate. She was very much Daddy's Girl, and just as manipulative. I moved 300 miles to get away from her and her poisonous tongue.

Please take care.

Cheers, Midori

[Chrysalis3]

i’m sorry for being incapable of expressing helpful and productive words or solutions.

i’m here to tell you that i can relate to some of this and i appreciate your sharing and spilling this all out in words