AS if

[dukenu]

my own anxiety and depression were not enough, my elderly father whom I live with has been placed in hospice. This morning he yelled for me in a bone chilling scream that he felt ill...of course he does he has a failing heart. This is the first time I had to give him morphine, lorazapam and hydrocodon for the pain. Hospice will come in about an hour, what am I supposed to do in the mean time? Just watch him in pain shaking and saying he's going to die in front of me? He has a DNR and Im not supposed to call 911, but hell if I can't handle this Im going to have to because I don't feel I can take the emotional stress. I didn't sign up for this, Im the only one here because I had a mental breakdown and haven't been able to get up on my own feet. Now this.

[Strongheartforever]

Sending you prayers. You will get through this. Just send your dad love lots of love that’s all you can do. Try to find inner peace now.

[dukenu in reply to Strongheartforever]

trying, thanks

[Hidden]

Very tough stuff duke...I know what you’re going through. I have seen both my parents and sister go through being a DNR. It’s an unselfish move to make for them. If those are his wishes, I wouldn’t call 911 where they will stick, poke and prod. Place your focus on his wishes and comfort in his time of need at end of life. You will get through this...love him...remind him of all the wonderful things he’s done in life and reassure him that he did a great job! Give him permission to let go...what a gift that is! You can break down later...

[dukenu in reply to Hidden]

Thank you

[weegmack]

Did the hospice people arrive? How are you now?

I echo the others in saying that you will get through this...but...that doesn’t mean this isn’t terrible for you. Having had a breakdown you are not equipped to deal with this at all. Do you have brothers or sisters? And have you been left to deal with this because you’re not at work?

My stepdad passed in March after only 6 months of severe dementia (even the doctors were amazed at how quickly it took him). I have a sister, but she has a career. I had a total breakdown last August and don’t work. So it was assumed I would just deal with helping my mum (who was not coping as she isn’t much of a carer). I’m so sorry you’ve been left with this responsibility.

If your dad has a DNR, you must respect it. In a way, it takes a burden off you. If it’s his time to go, let him go. Let him know that it’s ok to go now. He won’t want you to be anymore burdened than you are already.

Despite how awful you feel, you’ll find a little strength from somewhere to get through the next few hours. Don’t look beyond that. Thinking of you. Xx

[dukenu in reply to weegmack]

He has a DNR but then tells me he feels sick and wants to go to the hospital, how am I supposed to explain over again and again that his choice to be in hospice means no hospital? Tell a dying man that he made a choice already not to get help. He signed in the hospital a few months back in the presence of doctors and sisters, and has reiterated his desire not to receive extreme measures, but when the event is happening he wants relief. I gave him the morphine and diazapam and he calmed down, the nurse came and he is better. I just can't take going through this with him though, its traumatic for me too.

[weegmack in reply to dukenu]

You’re just in the most horrible position and this is too much for anyone. I’m so sorry 😞. I’ve read on at your comments below and I think you actually are at the time for inpatient hospice. A dear friend of mine works in a hospice and has told me on countless occasions, when my stepdad was dying of dementia, that caring for a loved one at home is not for everyone....and there comes a point that a trained, professional nurse has to do it. A hospice nurse is not as emotionally involved as you are and also they know what they have to do, without the complications of it being their own loved one.

I think your dad needs inpatient care now. We had to do the same for my stepdad - because he was a danger to himself. He wasn’t safe to do anything without hurting himself. And he wouldn’t sleep at all, so my mum was just exhausted. Xx

[Krazie]

Boy, life can sure give us mountains to climb. This is a very tough road to walk. Just from your posting, I can tell that you have more strength than you are giving yourself credit.

Can hospice help you learn to give injections? They are really not hard. Just scary to think about. Once you get the hang of it, it will be a piece of cake. Your poor dear dad won't need to cry out, when his pain is under control. This must be a very scary time for him, too. It would probably help him to know you are close by, and there for him. Just holding his hand, and smoothing his arm often gives a sense of relief. Telling him about the things you liked about him, and reminding him of the things he accomplished in life, helps too. Even if it seems he isn't listening. Pain medication can make one feel woozy and out of it. But somewhere, deep inside, he hears you. Giving this time to your dad will help you, too, once he is gone.

Is it possible that any of your siblings can come in for a few hours to give you a break? Caring for the terminally ill is quite taxing on anybody. You need to think of your own needs, too.

[dukenu in reply to Krazie]

Yes I had a sister that came over (3am in the morning poor sister) and she talked him down. I had given him morphine and an anti anxiety med by then and he calmed down. But he was convulsing, scared and needing me. Im spent.

[Hidden in reply to dukenu]

I know how hard it is...I’m so very sorry...doing the best you can is all you can do. Give him the Morphine as often as you think he needs it. Get your sister to come over and give you a break...get out of the house for a while. Wishing you peace of mind!!

[dukenu in reply to Hidden]

thanks.

[Krazie]

I am thinking about a regularly scheduled time that you can count on, Not just during a crisis. Gratitude is right. You need to get out of the house; take a breather.

[dukenu in reply to Krazie]

yup, I do.

[Rilo7268]

has hospice duscussed with him about the dnr and what it means regarding him wanting to go to the hospital? you dont have to be a dnr to be on hospice. if youre the sole caregiver and need support they might be able to place him in an inpatient hospice. if not long term it can still be done for a few days so you can get a break. its called respite. lastly hospice is for the family too. ask for support from the social worker and their spiritual counselor, depending what you believe.

[dukenu]

Yes they did, and that is a good idea if the circumstances allow for it. I may need him in in patient hospice if I can't handle it/his condition becomes worse and his dependence on me.

[foreverbeach11]

Hi dukenu, I'm sorry you are going through this. It's hard having a parent that has health challenges. I can relate. It's hard seeing our parents in this condition. We can do the best we can to make them comfortable. Maybe consider asking for some assistance. It's really hard doing it alone. We all need a break every now and again. If only for a few hours to just take a breather and regain composure. Continue to do your best because you are doing a great job loving your father. You are in my thoughts.