When you feel like you just aren't enough

[AlmostAlone]

Does anyone else get that feeling like they just aren't enough in their everyday demanding lives. Lately I feel like a failure at just about every point in my life, I had a good career until becoming ill and disabled leading to feel like less of a contributor to my family. I have felt like a complete failure to my children because my illness keeps me from being wonder mom they have been accustomed to. I was married and divorced and just when I had prepared myself to focus on and raise my young children up before committing to another relationship, but out of nowhere came this very sweet kind young man who changed my mind. Though we have been together now 7+ years we haven't married yet. Being home not able to work and feeling isolated from the rest of the world, I feel alone, alienated while I he rest of life moves on for my family. Friends have disappeared as time has past they stop visiting, and then calling and suddenly you're feeling like you are on your own. My relationship has now crumbled and is far to complex than I signed up for in the beginning, our issues is my anxiety. I don't feel totally understood, and sometimes made to feel like I just need to grow a pair and get over my anxiety issues. I see behavioral health, and also attend therapy while also trying to use every coping skill under the sun but still seem to struggle with being overstimulated, under a lot of stress, and disabling anxiety with which I get the sweats, nausea, and heart palpitations. Recently, my ex-husband has taken custody of our two children we've share together because of these issues I'm struggling with. Tension is high in my relationship and its been made very clear from my partner he can't deal with these anxiety and low self esteem issues I'm struggling with. I have had my children lives flipped upside down and taken from me to live with a father they hardly call home. I am told how much I'm lacking, how I don't do enough or give enough. I feel like a total failure as a mother, my children that I have had 100% custody of up until recently are angry with me because there father has taken them because of my physical and emotional health. The custody battle seems almost impossible to win once a court hears you have a mental illness it seems as though judgement is passed. I am attending appointments and taking my medication correctly, I am at a loss on what more I could possibly do. At this point I feel like I've let everyone down, and I'm the anchor in this family, I feel like they would be better off without me if I'm such a disappointment, and my struggles have that much of an impact on their lives... It's nothing like feeling like your life was just ripped out from underneath you. I feel like running away.. Does anyone else have similar experiences or feelings? And if so is there anything that helps? I sick of being "mentally ill" as apposed to the human being I am, I'm tired of being labeled, and patient profiled when trying to see a physician for a physical issue.. How do you break free?

[Starrlight]

Why would you loose custody? It sounds like you are trying to be the best you can be for them but that stress and anxiety are getting in the way. I wish I could do more for my family but I am doing my best in the situation I am in now. I keep my head up and look forward. Some days are very hard but I somehow find hope. Best to you and I hope things improve for you. 💕

[AlmostAlone in reply to Starrlight]

Thank you, though I know I'm doing my best sometimes it never seems enough. I have been the only parent there for my children now for almost 12 years, I raised them alone when I was married due to their biological father developing severe alcoholism leading to my divorce. I'm spent, and frustrated with the situation and I feel the most frustrating part is I feel like my hands are tied. I want to promise my children they will be back sleeping beds but honestly it's up to a judge. My ex husband is trying to plea to the judge that because I am mentally ill, and have a seizure disorder my children are not safe with me. I had one nervous breakdown when I went to the hospital due to my health Care providers unable to help. I spoke with someone from crisis who assured me I'm just like everyone else with too much on my plate and I was free to leave. The fact that I chose to reach out to not only my health Care providers but then go to the hospital unknowing whether I would be admitted for treatment or not is a not only hard decision to make, but scary as well. I made that decision so I could better myself for my children what good am I if I don't have my health? The courts penalized me for that visit as it's labeled a suicidal ideation, even though I have hospital documents stating I did not harm myself, was feeling hopeless and I was released hours later. Though I have been depressed in my life, I think to a point everyone experiences depression in the time of their lives at least once. Sadly, my doctor's have told me once occurance of depression in a person's life will deem them mentally ill. I suffered from postpartum depression with my first child almost twelve years ago when after delivery I had to have a lumpectomy and was forced to depend on family to help me raise my newborn while struggling with my health because my husband at the time was stuck in a bottle, and with this recent experience of depression/anxiety it seems as though my now ex husband thinks he's a better parent. How do we break free from these labels? How is it fair to judge a person for something far from there control, something that has chosen them. Thank you for your support as you know every bit helps. I hope things get better for you

[Starrlight]

How have you been doing AlmostAlone?

[AlmostAlone]

Well, unfortunately we are still in the court process, we will be returning back to court in May for what will be our fourth and final hearing as much as I am trying to prepare myself and go in there and win my children back, it's also in the back of my mind that I may lose all rights to them and only see them every other weekend.. 4 days a month, they will be taken from an amazing school, their friends, and their whole lives that exists at my house. One of my children had suffered with social anxiety and we purchased a Boston Terrier to boost thier confidence and break out of thier shell, it has been 6 years my child has had thier beloved pet by their side all the time for support and reassurance and now that pet is separated from my child as long as they remain with their father. In the meantime I have no rights to my children. It stings but I will never stop trying to prove myself a very devoted and loving mother who has raised them up so far in their lives to be polite, respectful, outstanding students and athletes. All I can do is hope and pray when that day comes it will be a positive outcome for us all! Thanks again for reaching out, I hope all is well with you! Sending positive vibes

[Starrlight in reply to AlmostAlone]

I am hoping and praying with you for a positive outcome for you all! You know, you are so very strong and I admire you. Keep your head up. May blessings be upon you and your children.

[AlmostAlone in reply to Starrlight]

Thank you for your support Starr light! The month of May is mental health awareness month and it's so very important we get ourselves and our loved ones the support they need. On May 31st I almost lost it all after writing this post and I'm one lucky girl to be on this planet. Always share love <3

[AlmostAlone in reply to AlmostAlone]

Starrlight*

[Starrlight in reply to AlmostAlone]

So happy that you are here and you sound really great! ❤️ love and peace ✌️ to you.

[AlmostAlone in reply to Starrlight]

Thanks Starrlight! I appreciate your encouragement! 👍😄 I am trying to be better!👌