What to do with an emotionally abusive father?

[katcom]

Hey, everyone, I am Ludwig.

I am living with my parents after I quit my job. Since then, my father started to see me as a “kid” of teenage with his father attitude, commanding and overprotective, ignoring the fact that I am a 22 year old, a grown up child. Things get worse when days ago I got appendicitis and became sick. At first he was nice, on the surface, to come with me to the hospital and to take care things for me. But at last night, when my situation became worse and has to go the the hospital again, he cannot stop fighting with my mother on our way to hospital and even shouting at me when I asked them to stop with my weak breath, I was almost not able to breath then and my chest was hurting. He is half deaf and, when he cannot hear the answers of his questions from others, he become emotional and flamed, accusing others not being respectful to him, even they do. On our way to hospital last night, my mom has chosen mistakenly the wrong kind of Uber and the taxi driver therefore had to pick a longer path than usual. Finally He asked, and answered by the driver, three times, to change his way to hospital, the Uber driver declined because of the company’s policy. But none of the answers he heard, and when my mother tried to forward the driver’s words to him, he got emotional, accusing her erupting the their conversations and being unrespectful. Then they started fighting. I was trying to ask them to shut up because we were on a such little taxi that cannot bear their epic exchange of insults, but my father shouted at my face that I am just a kid and should not stop his “talking” , before he starting to insult the driver. The drive answered his questions, surprisingly calmly, but my father, not hearing clearly, just cannot stop scolding the driver for not replying, and when he did, he accused the driver of a liar for being unable to change the route, even started to complain about how we were being disrespectful to him. Finally I arrived hospital with a unusually high pulse rate.

It has been difficult to live with him for many years. But it became much more heartbreaking and difficult to realize that he cannot stop accusing, scolding, and after all, hurting others for demolishing his “pride” when there is a emergency and I was in great pain. I really want to understand why he was so unreasonable and live with him in peace. But the only way to live him seems to be not to challenge his authority, even though he was being unreasonable. It is just difficult to stay with him in a house, without consistent fear for his unpredictable burst of emotions. Please help.

[Anonymous798]

Hi, I am so sorry that happened to you. That sounds like a horrible experience. Does your father normally act like this in a stressful situation? I’m not a professional or anything but I have heard that sometimes when people are in a situation that makes them stressed, they may have trouble understanding and/or dealing with their emotions causing them to have outbursts. Maybe he got scared after you quit your job and got appendicitis and took it out on others. If you feel comfortable, you can try to talk to him about the way he reacted. If this isn’t the case however, he may be toxic and it may be beneficial to try and avoid him. (I dont know if this is the best solution, I’m just speaking based on my own experience.) If he is/becomes violent, I’m not really sure what to do but I would probably recommend telling a trusted adult or someone who can help you. I hope things get better for you. Have a wonderful day

[katcom in reply to Anonymous798]

Hey, thanks for replying

My father has a history of abusing strangers when he become emotional and nervous. There was a time when we had dinner in a restaurant, he scolded the waiter with outbursting anger over some tiny little things. And he always fights with my mom for even the positions of the clothes. Moreover, there was a little scandal when we moved in the new house, my mom and I was invited by a newly-moved-in neighbor to visit his new house, who is also a house designer, then my dad just got so angry and went to confront angrily my mom, saying there is no neighbor that deserves to know and calling her an “idiot”, just right in the face of our new neighbors, before walking away alone. I guess he was just jealous.

I don’t know. He is not a so terrible person in many other way, but when it comes to dealing with his emotions, he become toxic and unreasonable. We tried to talk to him about this, but he was being denial and accuse my mom and I as the source of his trouble almost every time. I don’t think he really care about how we feel, or any other feel, when he become nervous and insecure.

[katcom in reply to katcom]

By the way, my father seems to hold a belief that, toughness can get things done. And being angry and unreasonable is his answer to almost all his daily challenges, especially when things don’t go in the way he wants. He just scolds at the people who don’t make him feel satisfied and from who he didn’t get the things he wanted, the waiter, the representative of telephone company.

The problem is worsened when we went to a vacation. My mom and I were always worried about his sudden outburst of temper and prepared to make things up for him, in case of his insults on the people around.

I tried to talk with his family, his sister and my grandma, but they almost always think reasonably that he is right, the problem is either from my mom or from others, and won’t judge his way of dealing with other people.

[Anonymous798 in reply to katcom]

I’m so sorry that sounds terrible. Hopefully one day he might realize that he wasn’t handling any of those situations properly and will seek help. Hopefully one day he will listen to you and your mom. I hope things get better and easier. You don’t deserve the bad things that happened to you. Stay safe.

[katcom in reply to Anonymous798]

Thank for you replying. I am thinking about moving out

[Kat_21]

Idk what it is with parents and not seeing us as adults. I'm 21 and I've had a similar situation.

When I was diagnosed with aHUS, my mom insisted we live with her, because I couldn't walk, and my illness was so severe that I couldn't be left alone with my son.

I lived with her because I was told so often in the hospital that I would be tired, and that I had to depend on her from now on. After I lived with her for a few months, I got off dialysis, got back to walking, but I was still really tired. I thought I was there so she could help, instead she got mad because I was tired so often, and because I was taking medication for migraines.

She would drink everyday. She would tell me to stop taking my medication and shout the most cruel insults she could and bring up stuff I've done from the past, then go off on me more when I did it to her. But then her husband pushed me. Even today she still says I'm lying. Even after I went through trying to get an order of protection. She still doesn't believe it. Because she doesn't want to. I'm just a disrespectful child using my illness as a crutch. That's what she says.

I want you to know I understand. And I'm so sorry. It's not fair for them to act that way, whether you're living there or not.

I'm here if you need to talk, but my advice is to find a way out of the situation. If he sees nothing wrong, he won't try to fix it.

[katcom in reply to Kat_21]

Hey, thanks for your replying. I am sorry for what happened to you. Your mother seemed very mean, when she said all those insulting things when you were sick. I can’t believe that she thought you used your sickness as an excuse😢. How did you cope with that?

I am thinking about moving out from my parents’ house but it takes time. For some time i have to live with them. I tried to convince myself that perhaps it is some sort of compulsive behaviors he cannot fight that make him a terrible person and say all those mean things when I was sick. I try to forget about the event and pretend it didn’t happen. I don’t know.

[Kat_21 in reply to katcom]

Hi! I cope by letting go basically. My situation is different in a sense because I had the ability to leave.

But meditation also helps get the mind off things like that. And it doesn't seem compulsive. It seems like he has some mental instability that he needs to work on, but again, most people won't fix those situations unless they see a problem with themselves.

[iconoclasts]

Hi, the best thing would be to find other job, and leave. Base your future contact with your father on whether his attitude/behaviour changes. If not, move on the other site of continent, or different continent, and have no contact. If your mother is suffering as well, encourage/support her to get divorced ASAP.

Life is extremely fragile/short, and it's complete waste to spend it on people like your father. You don't owe him anything at all - after all, your parents did not ask you whether you wanted to be born. Best of luck - if you have any questions feel free to ask.

[MoonDreaming]

Hi katcom!

I'm sorry that you went through all that, I understand what it's like to not be treated as an adult. A lot of times, I try to understand the position of my parent. We will always be seen as their 'babies' so it's hard for them to grasp the idea that we are individuals that need a bit of help now and then ( like in your case, not having a job and having to move back in)

I feel that therapy has helped me a lot, and talking to my doctor. Finding supportive people to talk too has helped a lot and I appreciate this website for that.

It sucks but people need to 'realize' for themselves that they are acting in a non helpful way. My therapy sessions have always said that communicating (calmly of course) is what works. Maybe when you feel better and everyone is calm, find a good way of communicating to your parents that what happened that day was not helpful and that you want to find a better alternative to dealing with something like that in the future.

I hope things have calmed down for you since then.

[katcom in reply to MoonDreaming]

Thank you for the communicating advice. I do think we need some in our family. My parents did not good at calm communication. When faced with difference, instead of trying to amend, they always fight and try to win the arguement. That is how things become that awful now. I will try to discuss with them what happened that day, as best as I could.

[MoonDreaming in reply to katcom]

I grew up in a family just like that, every day it was fighting, arguing, bullying and it made me a nervous person. Now, I realize how my childhood has shaped the person I am today and through therapy and self help and with the help of support, I can un-do the damage.

Unfortunately, you can't 'change' them, or anyone really because they have to want to do it on their own and maybe, little by little letting them know in a calm setting/calm vocabulary, that it's not helpful (especially when you were going through some medical problems) then you can have that conversation with them and open their eyes.

I say, have the conversation with them and just work on you. Do the homework for your own personal growth/healing finish school/start a course/get a career and become independent so you can move out and have that space away from the fighting if it continues.

[Mia898]

Sorry to hear this been there best thing I found is move away from Father in my case let them live there life I live mine ... We have a bit in common on that front glad it is not only me that does not help you. Sending a big hug .. Hear if you want to message.

[katcom in reply to Mia898]

Thank you for the advise. I agree.