Hi everyone! I've not been a member of this forum for very long, but I found you all during a very difficult time and I wanted to give you some of the hope back that you all gave me. I also wanted to reassure you all and give you the other side of the coin when loving and looking after someone suffering. So part of this is a letter, and the other part are some things I wish you could all know from both sides.
Both my mum and dad suffer from deep depression in different ways, and more recently, additional anxiety. My mum's experience is probably best explained as resulting from a combination of emotional exhaustion, chemical imbalances, and pushing herself too much. We have a history of mental illness in every female member of her family (and some of the men) and she first experienced this with post natal depression after having me (I'm 34 and she had it again with my younger sister), although she didn't really realise or was properly diagnosed at the time. She is a wholly selfless person, and it hasn't been until recently that we realised this was part of the stress and exhaustion that made her unwell. When you put others before yourself, and neglect your own wellbeing, your own health truly suffers. Since her first PND experience, to my teen/adult knowledge she has suffered around six bouts of severe depression that I have helped her through. There are probably more. The way she usually suffers is to sink into a quiet, dark, lonely space, where she feels nothing-she can't cry, so there is no release, she can't explain her feelings, so any questions result in extreme anxiety because she simply cannot make a decision-asking her if she'd like a cup of tea can result in a twenty minute anxiety attack because she doesn't know what to answer. The other side is the silence-the sitting on the sofa desperate for something to engage in, but lacking the energy or motivation to even respond to a hug, a meal, or a well-intended but ultimately useless suggestion from a family member. and that's when she has made it out of bed. Complete hopelessness and a bleak outlook, in a direct reverse image of her usual positive personality and cheerfulness. In previous bouts. a combination of medication, rest, understanding from a GP, gentle exercise and patience has always seen her through, but this time was different. My dad suffered a serious medical issue and had two spells in hospital within a short time. Unfortunately, whilst at home to look after my dad, I had a medical issue of my own (gyno one if any of you share those issues too and want to chat!) and it was the trauma of finding me ill at home, and worrying about my dad, whilst my mum had un-diagnosed medical worries of her own, that sent her down again.
BUT
After that backstory essay, despite all of the struggles we worked through, my mum is on the up. And the reason for this letter is the following:
-there is ALWAYS a better day. Sometimes you have a good day and the next day is bad, and it feels like you've taken a backstep and there's no progress. This is the shitty voice telling you that. My mum asked me every day-why do I feel so low today when I felt ok yesterday? Am i not getting better? and CONSTANTLY "I feel like I should be getting better quicker". Every day is progress. A bad day is just that. Don't let it derail you. Sometimes you'll have one good day out of five. the next week you might get two.
-keep a journal. what happened when you had a good day and what happened on a bad? How did you sleep? Who did you speak to? What did you eat? Read back the good moments to remind you during the bad.
-go for a walk. Even when it's the last thing you want to do. Fresh air and the outside world will ALWAYS lift your spirits, and that goes for all of us. I'm the laziest person in the world but dragging myself out for a walk or a bike ride makes me feel like i can handle things.
-give it time, and TALK. You won't feel better overnight. I wish I could tell you that you will, but it's better to be realistic. You will also probably need to try a number of different medications to find the one that works for you. My mum had been on the same antidepressant for at least twenty years, and suddenly it didn't seem to work anymore. It's taken us nine months and four different drugs to get the right medicine and the right balance for her, and last week she finally turned that corner...Finally. there was sunshine behind that cloud and there WILL be for you too.
For anyone struggling:
-Don't ever apologise. When you are feeling your most vulnerable and worried. that's when we just want to give you a hug. Sometimes we panic when we don't know how to help you, but our clumsiness is just because we care. Tell us what you need.
-You are not a burden. Not ever.
-It's ok to not talk. If you just want to sit quietly, or maybe hug and sit next to someone but not explain yourself, that's ok too.
-I know that my mum feels better when I sit with her and hold her hand, but don't ask her how she's feeling. If you feel ok to, tell your closest person the same. Or maybe write some tips for your loved ones to let them know how to be there for you.
-You are so loved. and it will get better. I promise.
Struggling with my Sister
I don’t know how to be alone 
I don’t want to be here anymore
Choice of words (Probably not my best but here we go)
How do I find the Joy in life?
