"But still, I do it for the people around me- I don't want their memories of me to be of THIS... I want them to remember ME"

[silentdreamer20]

Once upon a time, I was full of life. I was adventurous and ready for everything life threw at me. I gave birth, almost died, and then I woke up sick and I never got better. Over the course of 10 years more illnesses developed and I lost that fire in me... The days that I try my hardest to be that person again are followed by days, sometimes weeks of pain and fatigue... But still, I do it for the people around me- I don't want their memories of me to be of THIS... I want them to remember ME. People talk about my courage, my strength, my compassion... But my husband's family talks about my weakness, my selfishness for not working (even though I teach my daughter), my ridiculousness for not driving (even though I have seizures), how my husband and our daughter deserve better. I am still alive, I am not disabled. I still DO... I just cannot do some things... But no one understands why I feel how I feel. This is what I hear constantly. This is what everyone around us hears constantly. But when I do not attend family functions I am a disgusting human being; I am a disgrace to the family. I am not even introduced as my husband's wife/ an inlaw, but my daughter's mother. I feel like an insignificant piece of a puzzle, like one of those spare parts that are there just in case... I know it isn't true, but they sure have a way of making you feel like it is.

[hypercat54]

This is awful and why is your husband allowing this? Why hasn't he shut them down years ago. You and your daughter are his family and must take precedence over his birth one. He should be demanding that they give you the respect you deserve otherwise he will go no contact. You and your daughter come first.

[silentdreamer20 in reply to hypercat54]

He tells me it's just the way they are and won't change. In the beginning, he would guilt me into being a part of everything with then and then he stopped. He saw what it was doing to me emotionally... It seems like he's back at thinking that I should swallow my discomfort and be present now... Despite how I'm treated. They argue with him about it. He's told them they can accept me, or not but I'm not going anywhere. We've been together for 12 years now and I have never done anything to instigate anything with them... But I also defend myself and my daughter. Our marriage has almost ended because of this situation, but at one point I chose to stay because his family is toxic and I don't want them helping him raise our daughter during his time. I love my husband, but that's how I felt at that moment.

[Hidden]

Hey silent dreamer, this is hard heh... I can relate to some parts of ur predicament. Have u tried speaking to ur hubby about this issue? It is times like this when u need positive people around u, people who can support rather than people who will criticize. If there is one person who I know for a fact is on ur side is ur daughter. This myt be hard on her as well seeing her mama suffering. This is hard on anyone but it seems u r trying ur best. We r here to listen when u want to let it all out. Sometimes we need ppl who will listen.

[silentdreamer20 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you! Yes, we have talked many times throughout the years about his family. We've been together for 12 years now and his family has no reason for disliking me or treating me how they do. My husband says this is how they are and they won't change. So I need to not take it personally. Pretty hard not to.

[Hidden in reply to silentdreamer20]

One thing I have learnt in life is that, if u are a wife, be prepared that ur in-laws aren't going to luv u. This is the problem wt many wives. If it not the monster mothers in laws, it the monster sisters in law. As much as we luv them, I figured if we just distance ourselves right from the beginning so that they don't take advantage of us, we would save ourselves from headache. It is very possible to luv in distance and this is usually the kind of luv I give to people I detect needs it. Distance luv is still luv... U need to take care of urself. To me it seems they want more than what u can give. I don't know if it bcz I am a bit hard, some people think I am hard but it bcz I do not want people to expect more than what I can give. If ur hubby says they are like that, believe him. U will break ur neck for people who don't care for u,, I don't think so. Luv em but don't die bcz of em....LUV EM IN DISTANCE-THAT THE KIND OF LUV THEY NEED.

[silentdreamer20 in reply to Hidden]

Thanks. I have honestly lost all respect for them after everything they have done and said to me and the people around me. My anxiety comes from never knowing what I'm going to get with them. I'm not from here, our daughter does school online, so I really want to move... Moving somewhere that offers more opportunities would be great bc our town does not. But he won't. And I understand... New is scary.

[Hidden in reply to silentdreamer20]

At least ur hubby seems to be supportive which I find great. U need it ryt now. When u feel overwhelmed, we are here even tho it is just to listen, it helps us all...

[Barbie72]

Feel 4 you. Find positive affirmation quotes on Pinterest (lots), tape one to your mirror each morning. My mirror is now in the shape of a heart , full of them, there's so many! Husband couldn't see to shave. I used small red sticky notes. He kept telling me "I love you"...

[silentdreamer20 in reply to Barbie72]

I love this!

[Hidden]

As I’ve gotten older I feel the same way even without a family- my sister is a jealous b... and I have to stay away from her. Just saying you are not alone with your feelings. I went for counseling and medication for help and I will probably find a job to take up spare time since I’m already retired. Try to find some activity that you like and make yourself happy. We are all responsible for our own life and how we choose to be.

[silentdreamer20 in reply to Hidden]

This is very true. I started having seizures a couple of years ago and I had to stop working because of them. That was the first time I had not worked since my first marriage. My daughter is doing school online right now, so that keeps me busy. We got hell for making that decision... But our daughter was going through some emotional stuff and her principal at that time helped us come to this decision. Now, his entire family thinks I am an awful mother.. Although no one wants to find out what led to us making such a big decision.

[Hidden in reply to silentdreamer20]

Families can sometimes be our worst enemies !

[Hidden]

Hi silentdreamer20,

I've read your old posts and I'm sorry your living in a hellish situation. Your in-laws are toxic and manipulative. In my opinion the worst thing you can do is put up with it and endure it. They need to be made aware of their behaviour. Their behaviour is bullying and that type of abuse is called coersive control. A form of domestic violence. Not only are they inflicting mental and emotional abuse but your mother in law has hit you. They've slandered you and aswell. Please get help . Don't put up with this behavior anymore. The wonderful thing about the internet is you can look for help and advice for any situation. So look for organisations who can advise you on domestic abuse from other family members, ask to see counsellors if they offer that service. Speak to mental health professionals on how your situation might affect your daughter and ask if it's best to get the school involved. School should have a child protection and safe guarding policy. Ask about counselling for her but tell your daughter not to tell anyone. Get advice on the law. Keep a journal of what's happening, what was said and who was there to witness it. Get advice on how to keep yourself safe. Don't tell anyone you're doing this. Please find the courage. This is for yourself. If this affects other members of the family,know this, you're not responsible for their lives. You are not the one inflicting pain and misery . They don't have to take it. You don't have to take it any more. It takes just one person to stand up to those bullies and the rest will follow.

So build up your mental and emotional resolve to make you strong. I had to Google the word resolve and among one of its many definitions is "a firm determination to do something." You will find courage from counsellors, lawyers, teachers. When you have all the information before you you will have hope. After all a general doesn't go to war without a battle plan, or a builder build a house without architectural planning, would you?

One last thing, about you not driving, if your in laws have a go at you again, why don't you suggest you drive them out for a coffee reminding them that you may have a seizure at anytime! That's my dry humour coming out.

[silentdreamer20 in reply to Hidden]

I have been in therapy off and on for years to help me with them. We also got my daughter in therapy as well. I actually did ask them about me driving them somewhere one day because they wouldn't get off my back about driving. They were really quick to explain the dangers. They also tell me I should never chance driving with my daughter or my husband in the car with me, but if it's just me going to and from work I'll be fine. So I knew then I am just a person they tolerate. My SIL and I stand up for each other, which is reassuring. My in-laws treat me like a queen when my SIL is around because they hate her more than me. My BIL is an abusive alcoholic and my husband and I dont enable him like everyone else does. We've told him he needs to get his crap together and of course, that leads to more crap from his parents because we are choosing her over him... They have 5 kids and when she packs her and the kids and leaves for a safe place my MIL tells her she's a piece of S for leaving him alone, even though we all know he hits her and in front of their kids. He's been to jail over it and they've lost the kids because of it. The extremes they go to enable my bil's is disturbing. I'm not around them much anymore. They come to our house unannounced and I go to the bedroom. I'm tired of trying

[silentdreamer20]

Thank you! My family are all so far away... We talk daily, but it isn't the same and my inlaws will never be my family because they will never see me as family.