My Husband died 5 months ago, and took the wind out of my sails

I was married 40 years. I've been a go getter, an (over) achiever, a decision maker all of my life. I knew that no matter what the world brought, I had my husband as my rock. Together we could conquer the world, we were a team, we were invincible. Even at his death bed, I felt like that. When he died, my sails deflated, I developed severe, disabling anxiety, and a friend told me today, I was deeply depressed. I have panic attacks, always anxious, and can't get in gear to save my soul.

I am afraid of dying (my grandmother died of a heart attack at 64, I am 62, I was a professional, but can't find a job I am able to stick with. I need to find the old me, but I think he took me with him, my heart, my strength, my spirit. How can I find myself?

[Hidden]

Thanks. I have not attempted any group stuff. I am fairly known in my community, and really do not want people to know what is up with my inside.

[veronicarocks]

A grief group is an excellent choice. You’re surrounded by people who understand your pain / grief. My friend lost her disable daughter at the age of 15. She would say, “Who am I now? I’m no longer a mother.” She went to a grief group for those who have lost children. It’s very cathartic to speak to people who understand your grief.

It’s normal to think about death/dying after a loved one has passed.

It’s normal to feel lost especially when you’ve been with your husband for 40 years. It will take some time for you to find your new normal. It’s scary to have to to discover you. You’re no longer going to be the person before you met your husband. It will be a journey with ups and downs.

It’s normal to be deeply depressed and have anxiety. Depression and anxiety go hand in hand. It has only been four months since your husbands passing. On average the grief cycle will take a year ... Lean of your friends, family, and perfect stranger (others in this group). I’m positive your husband would say the same kind words about you...you were his rock.

I use the word normal a lot because everything you are going through is perfectly normal.

[Hidden in reply to veronicarocks]

Thank you, VeronicaRocks. Just waking up and finding an assurance that all this insanity is normal, has helped tremendously. I prefer leaning on the perfect strangers, because everyone in my friend circle and living family is with their spouses. They all have been married for decades, and two have joking said that I am the lucky one... They have no clue! So thank you for taking the time to read and to comment. You have been very helpful.

[fauxartist]

I'm very sorry for the loss of your husband. Understandably your world has been turned upside down...I can't imagine how you feel....

I wanted to ask you if you have done any grief and loss therapy..either one on one or group. I found this incredibly helpful during a very dark time in my life. It put me back on track with some tools to help me sort my life out. I too have heart disease in the women only in my family...grandmother and aunt gone, and mother and another aunt had quadruple by-pass....I am now passed the age my first aunt passed...and passed the age of my grandmothers first heart attack. So don't worry as long as your getting checked out on a regular basis...

I too had to get back in the work force in my late 50's...nothing like the money I used to make....got paid less than what I used to pay my own employees...it was a very humbling experience...so....I actually went back to school to get a degree in business administration in hospitals. There are very few careers out there for anyone these days...it's all IT and medical. I wish you the very best of luck on finding something you like and I would try therapy for your loss.

[Hidden in reply to fauxartist]

Thank you, fauxartist. I fully understand your challenges and it is good to see someone tackling and overcoming them. I think, so far, the best support I got was seeing people in similar situations overcoming and flourishing.

[fauxartist in reply to Hidden]

me too MaryCarther...I have found some of the kindest, and empathic people here.

[Dubba61]

So sorry for your loss Mary. It's not easy to live alone, especially when you have been Married for so long. Grief takes its own time. There is no set time or limit to how long the process takes. It is bound to make us think of our own mortality. My Gran died aged 56 of Breathing difficulties and when i landed in hospital, at the same age, i thought my time had come! But, here i am 5 years later n doing o.k.😊 I have learned to live quite contentedly alone, it is possible, but, i would say it takes around 2 years to get used to it. As for your work, it is harder to get well paid work as we get Older. Although, i retrained as a Teaching assistant at 48 and absolutely loved it! You will find many kind and positive people on here Mary and always someone to talk things through with. My very best wishes to you 😊🌻✌️

[Hidden in reply to Dubba61]

Thank you, Dubba61, you sound like you have found your way, and it is encouraging to see someone "on the other side." A timeline of 2 years seems reasonable. Fortunately, I do like being alone during the day... I am still learning to feel just at ease at night..

[Dubba61 in reply to Hidden]

Yes, Mary, I had to find a way, no choice, I'm afraid.😊 I lost 2 important people in my life in the last 6 years. And you will find a way too. At Night i have a routine i make sure I've locked up, closed windows, pull out plugs etc. Then i reason that i have good door locks n that I've done all i can, to be safe. (A Thief will look for the easiest place to rob). And try to think about something nice in order to get to Sleep. The online sleep hypnosis is very good Jason Stephenson n Michael Sealys both work. N do take good care of yourself. It's important at this difficult time. 😊✌️🌻

[Rpan]

So much going on for you. Sorry you feel this way. It goes without saying your grief>anxiety>depression seem

to be connected. My anxiety and depression became an issue when a family member had a stroke and was on life support. This was the first time I experience anxiety and depression. For me it was about guilt. The guilt was just unbearable. I had to work through these feelings by challenging each circumstance. Most of all I had to be gentle with myself. I learned that I had to really treat myself fairly. I often would neglect my feelings and emotions. I had to break down simple emotions to am I sad,angry, lonely, hungry, tired. I know it sounds ridiculous but just answering these basic questions helped me to sort out what I am actually feeling. When you can name it you can counter these feelings and emotions with positive self talk. That’s the key,to learn to sooth yourself each time you feel these feelings. To break the cycle of disparaging thoughts. The brain wants to loop around and around on depressing, helpless thoughts when we encounter these times in our lives. when you break the cycle once, you will see that it’s possible..than you just continue challenging these emotions as most of the time they aren’t true.

[Hidden in reply to Rpan]

I think the guilt is a very prominent factor for me, too. I like the idea of actually identifying my feelings moment to moment. Sometimes I am so overwhelmed with grief and guilt, and what I really need to be doing, that I completely lose focus and immobilize myself. I will try that, naming my emotions, and I will go a step further, saying it out loud, so it becomes reality and not just part of the loop of emotions that whirls around my brain. Thank you for that advice.

[mysmugcat]

Hello, I'm sorry to hear this. I lost my partner to cancer nearly a year ago. Its hard I make myself go to work every day I also have depression and ME. I used cruse bereavement UK service they were good. Pm anytime.

[mysmugcat in reply to mysmugcat]

Cannot edit, there is also a good bereavement care and share group on here, I'm on there too, members are lovely, just a thought.

[Lisau2]

40 years, I can't even imagine. I completely agree about finding ging grief and loss counseling. It will give you so.e if the tools you need to move on. I'm sure your husband would want you to find help and find a way to be happy again.

Hugs for you ! 🤗🤗🤗

[KekEstacado]

I'm sorry, I understand how do you feel, when you loose somebody that you love the world became really gray, nothing has sense.

I hate that everybody want to make you feel better, sometimes the only thing that I want is to be alone, I want yo feel my pain, I want to be broken