I don't know who to talk to and this site hasn't really given me much relief but I keep trying hoping that I'd find that one thing that might bring me to a better place.
As the title suggests, even though I struggle to identify this because I always try to doubt myself in thinking 'no they actually do care' but most of their actions have proven otherwise. They are very good at manipulating and gas-lighting. I've been able to identify gas-lighting but I haven't been very on point when they manipulate my emotions. Any time I try to reach out or speak with my mother about mental health or just anything regarding me needing help she spares no time or effort to put me down or belittle me in any way. She does not act like a parent. The only thing she does for me is provide me food and a place to stay. Emotional support is nonexistent. If I don't show up for food for 5 days they wouldn't even check up on me. If I hung myself in my room, they wouldn't know until months later when my body starts to smell.
My father is no better. He's verbally abusive and has anger management issues. Will threaten to harm me if I piss him off in any small way. He beat me as a kid and my mother tried to get me to lie to people if they ever saw my bruises so both my parents wouldn't lose their jobs or custody of my siblings and I.
With the way I'm feeling right now, I won't be attending their funeral. I don't want anything to do with them. However, I'm still stuck living with them. I struggle to get help. I have no energy anymore to seek for help, I just feel depressed. I'm not eating and I'm sleeping an awful lot. I have no interest to do anything, I don't find anything fun anymore. I have no money, I can't manage a job with the way I'm feeling. I'm pretty certain that my parents have manipulated me enough to the point where I fear and feel crippled to be independent. They are actively working against me when I'm trying to heal or get better in terms of mental health. I don't want to be their emotional 'supply' anymore. I hate this life and I don't know how to get out.
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iamso
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The U.S is a joke when it comes to helping in any form. Be it mental health or domestic abuse. I've tried calling the helpline before and they were less than helpful. Which is why I seek for help else where because the 'typical' help hasn't been helpful.
A friend just linked me this place in hopes that it'd help me feel better. I gave it a shot but ultimately hasn't changed much given my circumstances. I called the National Helpline and I just kept getting transferred until the call dropped. Not interested in Churches(as I've been forced into religion in my early years). I have read the replies on my previous posts and just grew tired on trying to answer more and more questions. Which is unfortunate because that is required to 'help' but I'm incredibly tired of repeating myself. I'm certain I've told my story to over 100 people. I've tried literally anything I could from repressing my feelings to trying to get help physically. Seeing multiple different therapists and trying different medications. To calling helplines to searching for online help. To moving to different places, to different jobs. I just don't have any support other than myself. I'm just a jaded individual now that doesn't believe that it's possible to get better given the multiple trial and errors I've been through. It's also extremely discouraging with the family I have to try to get anything done when I lack energy for everything initially. So I don't know anymore.
In my opinion you need to do all you can to enable yourself so that you can move out of your parents house. 211 might be able to help. It’s a good first step.
I’m guessing you’re in the USA ?? Have you looked into free meditation getaways? vipassana retreats I’ve heard of they’re silent retreats and they feed you. I’ve known people that found it very hard then got a lot out of it. Can’t hurt.
Here’s the thing your home is dysfunctional. I bet your mom does love you like you she’s been abused and this changed her she chose to stay. She’s full. She has a crap life. You’re young enough to find another life. You do need help. It would be so good if you could move out get a dog build your own community cook for yourself. Not sure they’re running due to covid. You have to get up and try. Maybe write out a life you want a realistic one. Not one that includes your living at home. However it may be a temp thing until you can save money or go to school to move on & out. I understand how you feel my life is crap right now I’ve had a lot of adversity and health issues being crapped on every direction and abused. I reach out too I’m left unfulfilled... but I keep trying that’s my job. For me. I’ve started over before even if you dog walked or something to start small it’s not all day. Start exercising. Join a spiritual group even online. Reading up on Buddhism & reading Buddhist quotes saved my life once. I went through horrible events I was totally alone and abused for things that were not my fault. It was awful I know you have to hold onto anything of kindness and love given by anyone even a smile and it’s enough you build. Keep score on that stuff and MAKE yourself interested in something at home and outdoors or groups a job. Keep trying.
I made it a point to read your profile and first post to get a better sense of you. As someone that is also familiar with growing up under a toxic parent dynamic, I may have some insight worthwhile to you.
One thing to realize is that there are two types of families; the ones you're born into and the ones you choose. In your situation, the bonds you build with your closest friends are going to prove vastly more important as a base of emotional support. At a subconscious level, it seems as if your parents have washed their hands of you once they realized that they couldn't live vicariously through your higher-education success.
Ideally, you should move out and into a place with a couple of trusted friends sooner than later. If memory serves however, steady employment had been mentioned as an obstacle for you as well. The pandemic complicates gainful employment all the further. I'd suggest looking into entry level security positions since, A. It is considered an "essential role" and B. of the "essential" jobs out there, I consider security as easily one of the most reasonable in terms of income vs. personal risk.
Whatever path you take, the healthiest shall put distance between yourself and your parents.
This had been mentioned to me before. I understand the concept of biological family and one that you choose. I do not have any close and trusted friends however and building a group like that for me, with a guarded mental and emotional scarred wall, would probably take years. To which I'd probably lose my sanity by then within this household.
Job-wise is more of a stress issue than it is finding one. I struggle finding one that I can manage well in terms of anxiety and stress. I've tried to ask multiple people but multiple answers just told me to 'deal with it'/'that's life'/'suck it up'. Guess I'm screwed I suppose, because it has been too difficult for me so far out of all the jobs I've found. This has been the same with schooling. I struggle with stress and anxiety and have managed to wrack up 30k in student loan debts as a result of struggling with depression.
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Feeling sad and don't know why
I feel like my parents really make me sick!
I just want to be done! 
Every 'No' feels like an insult or betrayal to me
