i am tired fo explaining how my mom's manipulating me

[Against_the_current]

So my damn roommate scared me, i got to my mom's. My mom's drinking and toxic. We're sick, Sister's not going to school and mom wants me to study with her but she won't sak, she will manipulate me to do it. Use my triggers and then blame me for being triggered. "You are here so help, you escaped, you study this, i love you, i'm an old woman working all day without a man". Then i tried to put borders and she got dressed and i asked why and she got mad, she went outside, probably bought more beer, probably because of me, and came back mad, told me it was menopause fcking her up.

I fear i stressed her more and made her drink more. I worry i messed her relationship with sis. I worry when to go back to university city and how will mom Treat sis. nd all because my roommate made me escape

[Genuineguy]

We all have responsibility for our own actions. Your mum's decisions are her own and it's not your fault if she chooses to drink alcohol. You did very well to set boundaries. It is very difficult to do with overbearing parent. I know this from personal experience and I'm still learning how to do it. But I know it is a healthy thing to do. It means we can be happier, healthy people and can get more out of ourselves. It makes us better sons and daughters too. By comparison, I even know married couples who need a little space at times (obviously not loads) and it results in happier marriages.

[Against_the_current in reply to Genuineguy]

Thanks Genuine. I was feeling bad for trying to put boudaries

[Genuineguy in reply to Against_the_current]

Its OK to put up boundaries. I hope you're not feeling bad or as bad about this anymore. I know from personal experience the bad feelings get less and less.

[Against_the_current in reply to Genuineguy]

Thanks

[JasmineJaz]

It's not your fault or your responsibility that she's doing this to herself or your sis. We all have our ways to deal with emotions, some are healthy, some are harmful in the long term. By posting this feed, you are already dealing with it in a much healthier way, and I'm glad that you did. It must be difficult, wanting to help loved ones while also needing help yourself. But we have to help ourselves before helping others.

[Against_the_current in reply to JasmineJaz]

Thank you. And truth. How to help myself? My conditions is ruining relationships with everyone and i need help myself

[JasmineJaz in reply to Against_the_current]

I'm not a professional, but these works for me:

1. Take good care of physical health. Get enough sleep, eat plenty of fruit and vegetable and protein, and exercise every day. I'm very overweight so I won't jog, just walk in a fast pace for 1hr everyday in the neighborhood. And it's most important to get enough sleep, so that the body can recover. If there's anything that affects your living condition, such as pest infestation, a noisy roommate/neighbor, I'd urge you to address the issue or find a better place asap. In my opinion, just like any healing process, it takes time, and we'll need lots of energy to deal with it. So physical health is the basis of it all.

2. Physically or mentally distant myself from those who hurt me. I left home to get away from my parents. I ended up with people that hurt me the same way, and not able to really disconnect with them shortly because of all sorts of reasons. So I would only talk to them when absolutely necessary, and be extra nice and polite, not revealing any real emotion in front of them.

3. Do little things that make me happy. Things as simple as doing house chores, cooking a nice meal, sitting in the forest doing absolutely nothing. It would distract me from unhappy thoughts.

[Against_the_current in reply to JasmineJaz]

Thanks and same on point

[jackiesj]

it is true..menopause does mess you up, it is true that any behavior that self medicates is not a good thing. Boundries are wonderful when people accept them..but it is also true that we cant change others only ourselves. Exercise meditation, counselors, thankfulness, It is hard to feel adult when you are with parents but lovely when it does work. i actaully gave myself permission not to listen to the other adult in the house out of courtesy but walk away if those feeling perk up. One day i sat in the bottom of the closet....like a little kid..but it was sooo wonderful to clear thoughts. now i pity my counterpart not anger. i stopped giving control to them.....it feels awesome once again knowing..nope dont need to hear it or do it or whatever....yes, still bad days but not worst days. If you see a pattern of manipulating figure out ahead of time what you can do.plan A B C....life is too short.

[Against_the_current in reply to jackiesj]

Yeah, how do i calm these thoughts?

[Blueruth]

1. "mom wants me to study with her but she won't sak, she will manipulate me to do it."

You're response (in your words): Hey mom.. do you want me to study with sis? Just say so! I'm happy to.

2. "i'm an old woman working all day without a man" or any other self aggrandizing complaint: "Okay." done. No need to react. Just say okay and move on.

When she is drunk or not drunk but argumentative you should not ask "why" or say anything. Just say "okay". Repeat "Okay" as often as necessary. That is how you get people to stop manipulating you... they have no "material" to work with. As soon as you react they can manipulate you. "Emotion" is their material.

By reacting you do exactly what I used to do with my mother... She is child and parent at her whim. First she wants to direct you to do something and the next second she is making excuses as to why she is a helpless "child". You get whiplash. If she wants help she should ask for it like an adult. (See point 1)

"and all because my roommate made me escape" Sorry no. You chose to leave. Might have been the wise choice but it doesn't change the fact that she cannot manipulate you unless you let her. If you follow my advice you regain your personal power.

[Against_the_current in reply to Blueruth]

Thanks. I get emotional easy and i get under influence easy

[Blueruth in reply to Against_the_current]

I think you know I can be frank…that is not a character flaw. As an adult you have to learn skills for school and work if you want survive and succeed. Everyone does. You can. “Explaining “ over and over doesn’t serve you. How long are you going to repeat the cycle of conflict with roommates and family? You have a choice. You demonstrate you can learn… obviously… you need that skill to just get into college

There is a quiz and book about “emotional intelligence “. That might even be the name. It is years old so it may even be in your first language.

[SoporRose]

That's a lot of good advice and support!

[roses4all]

Yes, this. Blueruth is talking about the grey rock method. Look it up. Lots of videos on YouTube. It's about how not to react to manipulators. Don't feed them your energy. I get about your sister. Maybe you could get her some help and support. A therapist would be ideal. But maybe a drop in centre or a help line. You got away but it sounds like she is going to need some help to do it. If menopause is f*cking her up, she can go see her family doctor and get some help with that. Hormone replacement is not expensive. It is not complicated to swallow a pill or use a patch or cream. Her choice to not get help. Her choice to suffer. If she weren't suffering, she would have one less reason to say: ''whoa is me''. Her choice to guilt you. Lots of women go through menopause without acting out like her. And if she wants a man, there are dating clubs and social clubs and apps for that. Her choice to do nothing and say ''whoa is me'' again. (My mom was so bad that I went no contact for 20 years. I have limited contact now. I'm going to see her in a couple of weeks. I've rented an airbnb. If she acts up, I can leave. I have somewhere to go. The plan is to pick up lunch for 2 at a restaurant, go to her house, eat with her and leave. She doesn't have to cook or go to the grocery store or clean up.)

[Against_the_current in reply to roses4all]

My worst nightmare is getting a step father. And she took some pills but they messed her more, i honestly don't think she's in menopause, she just thinks she is and taking pills and pity too early is messing her