Am I Overthinking It?

[Elizabeth830]

Hello everyone. Long story short, I have had depression and anxiety for over 25 years. Been consistently medicated and on my second round of TMS. I also filed for divorce last May, moved out in August and the divorce was final this past April. I was emotionally abused, passed over for other people, ignored, gaslit, etc. If I expressed my needs I was being a nag. If I wanted to spend time with him, something else was more important and I was unreasonable. If you have been there, you know the drill.

I have done some dating mostly to ease the loneliness. Most men I go out with once and decide they are not for me. A few I have gone out with a few times and decided they are not for me. A couple I keep in contact with, but neither of us wants a full blown relationship. I don't know if it is fear that is making me run or they just aren't for me. I have been chatting and met one man who went to my high school. He was four years older than me and I didn't know him, just knew of him. We texted quite a bit last week getting to know each other. It was fun. Then he told me that his daughter had treatment resistant depression. In a weak, empathetic moment, I told him that I had experience with depression. I said some basic info and hoped he didn't think less of me. He didn't. Most people don't know I suffer from depression as I am somewhat high functioning but on weekends, I tend to crumble when I am alone. However, now (after we met and had a nice hike and two hours of conversation) I feel like he is trying to be super positive and upbeat with me. I think I can be safe to say that most of us see right through someone who is super positive all the time and upbeat. It makes me want to shake him and say no one is this happy and positive all the time. I actually feel sorry for his daughter if he is super positive around her and I think that he is because he sent me a screenshot of an example of how "there for her he is". It just seemed phony.

My question for all of you...Am I just looking to kick someone to the curb because they are so different from what I am used to? Am I scared? Or is he not for me? Or all the above?

The day I met him in person he brought be a plant. That was nice. He walks on the outside (closest to the road) so that he is protecting me from traffic (?) He found out my birthday is coming up and said he wanted to take me out. He points out when he is being chivalrous. He sent me a good morning text this morning and told me to have a good day at work. I tried not to answer it quickly bc this rapid firing of texts is getting to be too much. I later said that I was busy doing xyz. He then texts me when he knows my work day is over and says did you feel productive doing xyz? Then he texts me and asks if my son's dog was happy to see me when I got home from work. I wasn't home from work yet, as I had meetings after work. I waited a while and said I am not home yet, I'm having a busy day. I just feel like he is constantly checking up on what I am doing and whether I was happy doing it. Like each afternoon he texts and asks if I am having a nice afternoon. In the evening he texts to ask if I am having a restful evening. Like I don't want to answer him. Am I just scared?? My friends say I am overthinking it. Am I?

[TangledUpIn]

Over thinking it? Hmm, I don't know if that is the case, but I would certainly be reacting like you are if someone was always checking up on me. It sounds to me like this guy is trying way too hard😬

[TangledUpIn]

Over thinking it? Hmm, I don't know if that is the case, but I would certainly be reacting like you are if someone was always checking up on me. It sounds to me like this guy is trying way too hard😬

[TattoosMakeMeCool]

you said you got a divorce for him being not there for you emotionally and maybe even physically right? But now you have a man whose doing the exact opposite, everything you wished your ex-husband would of done. So from what I read it seems you’re deliberately pushing people away but telling yourself it’s them not you. most of us all have similar mental health issues so we can see what you’re doing from the outside and read between the lines because we do it as well. Let this guy be himself, he’s actually a positive person, he actually wants to pay attention to you, he might actually care about your well being. Everything everyone wants in another person. So my advice let him in and see if he really is this person. Stop overthinking and deliberately sabotaging yourself.

[Elizabeth830]

Thank you for your comments. I think I have figured out that his style of texting is very similar to my mother. It is full of questions. He is trying to get to know me but in the case of my mother's questioning, she is using it as a way to turn my positive experiences into something negative. He also gives me compliments. My mother does too, but then she adds on a negative zinger. I feel like I am waiting for what I have shared with him to come back and zing me, if that makes sense.

[Nothing_but_books]

It's too early to know what to expect from him, but you already know you feel pushed. If you're considering taking it further, tell him the constant texting isn't good for you and see what happens.

[Elizabeth830 in reply to Nothing_but_books]

Thank you for your comment(s).

I did tell him that two different times and his response was, "That's the way I am". Already, I feel like he doesn't respect my wishes/boundaries. This past weekend I spent about an hour with him in person as he wanted to drop something off for my birthday, and realized he definitely isn't for me. He kept bragging about how he is there for everyone. I am there for people too, but I don't feel the need to tell everyone. He also said some contradictory things over the course of two weeks and isn't divorced yet (originally he said he was divorced twice). He is way too positive about the divorce and it isn't final yet. I am all for being positive but as soon as he mentions his wife he has a different tone and look on his face. He also talks about his daughter and IMO he smothers her and she is 28 years old. I also don't like that he picks up random wild animals and poses for pictures with them, like opossums and raccoons.

Just looking at his picture over the weekend made me cringe/feel anxious...like I was crying Saturday at the thought of meeting up. I would rather be alone than with him. So this morning when he texted I said that I didn't think that I was the person for him. I thanked him for being so sweet to acknowledge my birthday and then I wished him the best of luck finding his person. He told me he understood and to take care.

I have been on about 20 dates over the last 16 months and no one has made me feel this weird. And I have not pushed all 20 away. Maybe 16 of them, LOL, mostly because they were just looking for sex, but three I still talk to off and on. We are more friends than potential lovers and I don't push them away whenever we go out for dinner or drinks.

Feel free to remind me of this guy when I post that I am lonely. 🤪

[Nothing_but_books in reply to Elizabeth830]

Hi Elizabeth, I like this saying: When someone tells you who they are, believe them.

You've developed good instincts over the course of a bad marriage. Trust them. You were told for a long time not to trust yourself. Bull, self-serving bull. No need to explain you haven't pushed all 20 away. That's self-doubt. Exercise believing in yourself. I know it's hard, but you can do it.

Lonely stinks. I'm here, but it's not enough.

[Elizabeth830 in reply to Nothing_but_books]

Self doubt is one of my specialties. All of my reports cards used to say “lacks confidence”. I guess they weren’t wrong. Lol.

[Nothing_but_books in reply to Elizabeth830]

As far as picking up random wild animals, uhm... that was me, before I was too crippled to be out. It's a love of animals... and loneliness.

I've brought home just about every kind of critter I found at one time or another. They didn't always appreciate it. 🙄 🐍🐶🐈🐀🐦🐟

[Elizabeth830 in reply to Nothing_but_books]

I hope I didn’t offend. ❤️ I like animals from a distance. There unpredictable nature scares me. In the case I wrote about, I would not be happy riding in a car with a loose, wild raccoon on his lap. A raccoon from a distance is ok. Lol. Becoming a wild animal lover is not in my blood, it is in yours and millions of other people and there is nothing wrong with that. We need all types of people who love things to make this world a better place. 🫂 I love numbers and math, many people do not. Lol.