When I'm sad or angry, sometimes I think I should take a deep breath but I can't. My instant reaction is a sudden flare-up of anger or feeling overwhelmed. It makes me want to hold my breath and in the back of my head, I can't stop thinking about how ridiculous it is. It's the same with every technique I try. I know I could change a sad song to one that would make me feel better and I do but when I listen to it, I just get irritated.
Not to answer my own question but maybe it's because I know it won't fix what's bothering me. Existing bothers me and there isn't anywhere I can go and there's next to nothing I can do to at least take a break from that. After I take the deep breath I will still be here. If anything breathing or being mindful feels like I'm participating more in the things that bother me. Distracting works better but I can't watch tv forever. Not even sleeping helps me escape, I dream about the things that stress me out and wake up emotional.
Most of the time pushing it down or just ignoring that I have any feelings is the only thing that helps. No matter what, I can't deal with it. My emotions feel too big to deal with and no matter what it just gets worse.
I can't make a decision about my situation so I just do nothing all day. I just draw all night, go to bed at 6 am, and wake up at 2 pm, then I sit there and go on the internet. I know I should take better care of myself but I really can't when I don't even want to have the body that I'm forced to take care of. I don't know how to articulate the massive obstacle keeping me from drinking water even when it's beside me and I'm dehydrated. But it's the same reason I won't go to the hospital or a therapist or try anything anymore.
This isn't going to work and I know it but I'm not capable of anything else.