When I'm sad or angry, sometimes I think I should take a deep breath but I can't. My instant reaction is a sudden flare-up of anger or feeling overwhelmed. It makes me want to hold my breath and in the back of my head, I can't stop thinking about how ridiculous it is. It's the same with every technique I try. I know I could change a sad song to one that would make me feel better and I do but when I listen to it, I just get irritated.
Not to answer my own question but maybe it's because I know it won't fix what's bothering me. Existing bothers me and there isn't anywhere I can go and there's next to nothing I can do to at least take a break from that. After I take the deep breath I will still be here. If anything breathing or being mindful feels like I'm participating more in the things that bother me. Distracting works better but I can't watch tv forever. Not even sleeping helps me escape, I dream about the things that stress me out and wake up emotional.
Most of the time pushing it down or just ignoring that I have any feelings is the only thing that helps. No matter what, I can't deal with it. My emotions feel too big to deal with and no matter what it just gets worse.
I can't make a decision about my situation so I just do nothing all day. I just draw all night, go to bed at 6 am, and wake up at 2 pm, then I sit there and go on the internet. I know I should take better care of myself but I really can't when I don't even want to have the body that I'm forced to take care of. I don't know how to articulate the massive obstacle keeping me from drinking water even when it's beside me and I'm dehydrated. But it's the same reason I won't go to the hospital or a therapist or try anything anymore.
This isn't going to work and I know it but I'm not capable of anything else.
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CroutonBehavior
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First, I disagree that you're not doing anything to get better: writing on this board is already a clear action you're taking. One thing that's helped me a lot with dealing with my emotions was to acknowledge they are real and let them be there. I feel anxious a lot, and i used to push those feelings deep down, bury them and put a lid on it. I didn't want to feel anxious, but by doing so my anxiety would just double its efforts to be heard. Try to come to terms that unpleasant emotions, anger, sadness, will be there and they just want to be heard. Acknowledge them, and they'll quiet down. Meditation has been a lifeline for me since i discovered it a few years ago. Have you tried it?
I wouldn't count writing on this board as trying to get better as much as something like self care or meditation. I have tried meditation but its the same as deep breathing. I start to feel angry and then my thoughts start to race. For me, my emotions don't quiet down when I acknowledge them and let myself feel them. My emotions ramp up and up until it's impossible to coexist with them. I try to feel them but I can cry and continue to feel worse even after I stop.
It sounds like your emotions have a lot to say. When I first started meditating, I would get very anxious every time I'd sit down, and overall had an unpleasant experience. I discovered that if I exercise right before meditating, it would help me a lot by quieting my mind and putting me in a space where the emotions were more manageable. I started with walks around my neighborhood. Definitely worth trying
Yes I understand this completely. The problem though with ignoring emotions is that they don't go away, they just build up to unbearable levels where you feel you will go off your head.
The secret with this is to learn when you start to feel an emotion because its at this stage you can express it and let it out safely and in socially acceptable ways.
There is nothing wrong in kicking a wall or punching your pillows until they are mush you know.
I know you said you don't want therapy but this would teach you to start being able to recognise your emotions at an earlier stage instead of letting them build up so much they become explosive and self destructive.
I speak from experience. I just put a post up about anger so have a look.
Please drink the water and take care of your yourself, that is step one. I know that is easier said than done when you're an emotional mess. I don't know what your issue is that gives you so much distress, but a therapist might be worth a try. No guarantees, but you really need to start somewhere to address these emotional issues.
sorry you’re feeling all this stuff at once CroutonBehavior. Sounds like the emotional overwhelming ness is too much while the tools to silence it a bit are triggering more emotional overwhelmingness. How frustrating!! Check out the late Dr Weekes work Hope and Help for your nerves. She has it in audio clips on YouTube or audible as a book or u can pick up a paperback. Really spoke to me in regards for acceptance in order to start dealing. Lifting you in prayer 🙏🏻
I wonder if it makes you feel worse because you are making a conscious effort to calm down? Your brain knows that you were in an agitated state and is trying not to go back there. This effort to not go back there might paradoxically be making things worse. I don't know; those are just my thoughts. What do you think?
Maybe that's true but I also might be aware that temporarily calming myself down wouldn't help me in the long run. Or maybe I physically can't do it because I'm too deregulated.
I have times when I'm also just too wiped out to try and calm myself down. I know the steps, but don't have the energy to use them. It becomes almost easier to stay in the pain. Which in turn makes it worse. So it's a vicious cycle.
I have an unusual suggestion. I want you to find, pick up, and hold with your right hand something that is dear to you, something that you like, maybe even your cell phone. Get on a carpeted surface or over a bed and stretch out your hand gripping the object. Now consciously begin to loosen you grip on the object, feel the separation that is increasing and then feel and notice when you can't hang onto it any loner and it falls from your grip. Do this exercise 10 times in a row, and stay conscious of grabbing the object, holding it tightly and then letting it go.
Might sound stupid or senseless, but it is the essence of what is happening in your mind. You are very analytical and with that you identify with your thoughts as being "yours"...your possessions. They are not, and that is and error that is keeping you from going on to other experiences. You are holding on, and "clinging" to thoughts and holding them. They need to be able to disappear and transform into other thought forms. Don't think about it, let it go.
I am 71 and I know how hard this can be, especially when we are struggling with something, you sound like you are willing to try new experiences so why not give this a try and see what happens. I am sending you love and support!!!!
My problem might be that I can't think. I can't hold onto a thought or streamline my thoughts anymore. They're intrusive and they race around although they're not all negative. Some thoughts want me to get better and for seconds out of the day I will try. I'll tidy up my room for five minutes and then suddenly I'll feel physically sad because what's racing through my brain is a memory or a negative statement. Then cleaning starts to feel like eating dirt because there's that little of a point.
I don't identify with my thoughts or feel like I have ownership of myself at all. I don't know what's me and what's mental illness. I know that I'm not the illness but the illness might as well be mine when it's taken up my entire life.
Letting go is impossible right now. When I was on medication, I let go instantly. Almost every thought in the world just went away and I had control over where my mind went. But I don't have access to professional help anymore and I'm too unstable to seek it. I've tried but whatever that's been going on in my brain for the past 7 months has consumed me and I can't convince myself that it's worth the try.
Thanks for your advice. Maybe it'll resonate with me at a different time.
What a creative idea that I will have to try! Thanks!
I can picture it now. Husband walks into find his wife repeatedly picking up and dropping the same item. Husband then exits the room, gets on his phone to someone, and says "you gotta help me! I think my wife's lost it....".
On second thought, maybe I'll try this on a day when he goes into the office...
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I am sending you love and support!!!! 
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