The other day I was at work (I'm a tech at a local hospital) and I sent my partner home early. She was sick. As I sat in this small room by myself in my saddened state...
I took out my pocket knife I laid it down and stared at it. I was so sad and I didn't want to be said anymore.
I reached for my pocket knife and made alil cut on my arm. Not too deep and it hurt, but it felt good. So I went over the cut again... Alil blood came out. I felt even better. I was alive. So I went over it again and it bleed more. In my head I just felt better. I had physical pain about something real rather then be sad over something that can't be controlled.
I put down my knife. Cleaned myself up, and went home. My roommate took my pocket knife and asked me why....
All I could say was.... I wanted to feel alive again.
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ImNotCrazyJustSad
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don't be embarrassed...and it's not weakness...it's just something you need to deal with in a better way where your not harming yourself....that's why I mentioned the ice cube thing. When your feeling the urge to cut or release emotion...put an ice cube on the skin, and hold it there till the urge subsides....be cautious of course...but therapy is really your best recourse to re-route that mindset.
hang in there friend.... it's a bumpy ride with our disease... but what do you have in play right now to help you deal the root of your feelings...they do come and go I know....I also am triggered by certain things so I can easily get caught off guard, I have many people here who are wonderful to talk to .... I hope you too will keep sharing ....
As disturbing as it is to read about someone self harming.... I am not judging... and do understand what your talking about. I have only personally known one person who did a kind of self harm, but didn't cut. So I read about it extensively. Rubber bands around your wrist and ice cubes applied to the skin will help with the urges. But therapy is paramount.
I just watched a mini series called; 'Sharp Edges', it was about a journalist who grew up in a very oppressive home environment where there were deep secrets she never quite understood about. Yet her mother never showed her love, and actually told her she never loved her. But the women took this out on herself, because she suppressed so much anger and sadness with self harm. I think it was the first story line I had ever seem which depicted this very tough and disturbing subject with dignity and clarity and did so with a very delicate approach. It was only part of the story, as It did center mostly around a murder mystery in a small southern town, and was brilliantly done....after the girls younger sister died mysteriously, the evil mother threw this girl to the wolves...always chided her success and undermined her in front of other people, saw the daughter as an embarrassment because of what she had done to herself, even though most of the scars were always covered. I thought it gave you a better understanding of how this abuse effects some people.
it's a tv series movie about a murder mystery and how the death of a sister destroyed a young women's life and how she blamed herself inwardly. It give an understanding, not a promotion or justification... it shows the long term consequences she had to deal with because of her actions.... no judgement... just reality.
I agree that the best way to handle this is to see a qualified therapist. If this is the first time you’ve done this, the need for therapy is paramount, so that it doesn’t develop onto a habit.
It sounds to me like you've had a bit of a close call there Anything like that can snowball into a long term problem but by the sound of it you've shocked yourself enough to not repeat that mistake. You have a good understanding of why you did it and you don't feel good about it after the event so hopefully you won't be making a habit of it but you need to find a healthier outlet for your negative feelings. Therapy would probably be a good starting point for you. I hope you find something that helps you soon, be strong x
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