I'm literally reading a book and "what kind of dramas are you doing? I don't feel like drinking water in the world, the other day you told me that you can't sleep because of the smell. Dramas. Long-suffering Genoveva. I was making a zvik (Berk's cooling drink with the smelliest ingredients vinegar, garlic, etc., but I know what it smelled like, but I didn't tell her). First I'm going around to save myself this and because when I come back it's "too soon you come back and that", second what am I doing wrong? I don't do drugs outside or anything, I can't enter our house because a scandal awaits me. I went home because I was sick and it didn't register at all. I feel nauseous and wake up again in the middle of the night. I'm going crazy. I didn't even talk to her, but I'm starting a scandal because I'm starting a scandal. I don't know what to do anymore. All I had left was ..... And she will regret it. I'm constantly nauseous. I needed to go home, I couldn't look at myself, and that. I need a nice place to live and a nice job. But how to do it, how to be useful to her and to anyone like me, I have no chance to recover. I'm constantly nauseous. I am freaking out. I have been listening to those long-suffering Genovese, holy waters undrinked and "dramas" all my life. And my sister isn't even home. I need someone. My internal organs are dying and imploding. I writhe in agony. Every evening.
Mom's drama: I'm literally reading a... - Anxiety and Depre...
Mom's drama
The Problem
Many of us found that we had several characteristics in common as a result of being brought up in an alcoholic or dysfunctional household. We had come to feel isolated and uneasy with other people, especially authority figures. To protect ourselves, we became people-pleasers, even though we lost our own identities in the process. All the same we would mistake any personal criticism as a threat. We either became alcoholics (or practiced other addictive behavior) ourselves, or married them, or both. Failing that, we found other compulsive personalities, such as a workaholic, to fulfill our sick need for abandonment.
We lived life from the standpoint of victims. Having an overdeveloped sense of responsibility, we preferred to be concerned with others rather than ourselves. We got guilt feelings when we stood up for ourselves rather than giving in to others. Thus, we became reactors, rather than actors, letting others take the initiative. We were dependent personalities, terrified of abandonment, willing to do almost anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to be abandoned emotionally. Yet we kept choosing insecure relationships because they matched our childhood relationship with alcoholic or dysfunctional parents.
These symptoms of the family disease of alcoholism or other dysfunction made us "co-victims", those who take on the characteristics of the disease without necessarily ever taking a drink. We learned to keep our feelings down as children and kept them buried as adults. As a result of this conditioning, we confused love with pity, tending to love those we could rescue. Even more self-defeating, we became addicted to excitement in all our affairs, preferring constant upset to workable relationships.
The solution is to become your own loving parent
You will find freedom to express all the hurts and fears you have kept inside and to free yourself from the shame and blame that are carryovers from the past. You will become an adult who is imprisoned no longer by childhood reactions. You will recover the child within you, learning to accept and love yourself.
The healing begins when we risk moving out of isolation. Feelings and buried memories will return. By gradually releasing the burden of unexpressed grief, we slowly move out of the past. We learn to re-parent ourselves with gentleness, humor, love and respect.
This process allows us to see our biological parents as the instruments of our existence. Our actual parent is a Higher Power of your choosing, it could be a light bulb if you want, it just gets you out of the drivers seat and out of your own ego.
When we release our parents from responsibility for our actions today, we become free to make healthful decisions as actors, not reactors. We progress from hurting, to healing, to helping. We awaken to a sense of wholeness we never knew was possible.
You will come to see parental alcoholism or family dysfunction for what it is: a disease that infected you as a child and continues to affect you as an adult. You will learn to keep the focus on yourself in the here and now. You will take responsibility for your own life and supply your own parenting.
Your not alone.
Fauxartist,
Wow: your post is courageous and clarifying. It sounds as if this process is what AtC needs to find her through. I hope your experience helps her find her way. Thank you.
This is from ACOA.... it's a group that helped me in the beginning of my healing process a few decades ago...still is so relevant today.
I see. It’s great information.
I lost identity. God, u keep zoning out and it feels like like i can't understand a word. I just don't know how to be my own parent. And i got a thought of my ex that was in drugs
Fauxartist will correct me if I’m wrong, but I believe the point is to teach you to regain your own identity and how to re-parent yourself.
Will you tell us what you are willing to try, to do to help yourself? It seems as if all suggestions and resources anyone suggests are wrong. We care about you and want to help.
Yep... that's the idea.... Even though we may not be in the ideal situation, it's up to us to either change where we are by moving to our own place, or changing our way of dealing with a situation we cannot change. Otherwise....nothing changes.
makes sense… if we always do what we always did we’ll always get what we always got.
well said.... loved it.
I think you just won the "how many always can I fit into one sentence" prize.😂
I've always said that I’ve always stood a good chance at winning; always!
Thank you. Yes i need to parent myself and love myself and regain and recover but idk how. Im just a scared kid in my head
Of course you don't know how. That's why therapists and groups like Al-Anon or ACOA exist. You're not supposed to have all the answers now. Your job is to find a counselor (not a fortune teller) who and/or a group that can help and stick with it. I'm not forgetting that money is an issue, but keep looking. Get on wait lists for therapists if there are no openings. Start a dog-walking/pet-sitting business. Make and sell art. Start a blog and use your humour to attract readers, then set up a Patreon. Tutor kids who are studying English. Do some translating again.Make your goal to earn enough money to pay your mom some rent and pay for a therapist and worry about getting a "career" kind of job later. You have so many talents and gifts!
I thought about petsitting but I've only taken care of rabbits and guinea pigs and i know nothing about dogs and cats. How to start a blog? In my country it's not really common and we're oblivious on these ways
And it should probably be mentioned, too, that there really isn’t a cookie cutter solution for reparenting due to the many differing factors that exist in each circumstance. As well, comorbidity may complicate matters even more. It creates this second layer (and maybe more) of “disorder" to our already dysfunctional selves and environment. I think the quest for recovery for people who were raised in dysfunctional family systems can be very different for each individual depending on factors like; the types of dysfunction, types of personalities, the presence of clinically diagnosed disorders and which diagnoses, the presence of disorder in the parents and which diagnoses, etc. Also, the family’s racial profile should be considered, social status, political and religious doctrines, etc….
These things can make a huge difference in the way a person experiences their unique and not so unique challenges in life. In a nutshell… it can be very different to experience social anxiety as a white christian male living in a predominantly white christian society as opposed to a black muslim male living in a predominantly white christian society.
Trauma Informed Care considers many factors that can influence how someone is affected by life’s events. Each person truly is unique to their circumstance; and so each solution should be unique to their circumstance, as well.
This is why it is so important to get the help of a skilled therapist. Simply, they are trained on being mindful of external and internal stimuli and the effects it can have on a person’s experience.
Exactly. I want to heal but i have my whole disfunctional and sick family who doesn't want to heal, poor East European region where drinking and divorce is considered normal and mental health care is beyond criticism and every normal professional here who tries to speak up gets silenced. It's easy for people to tell me to get my sh** toghether as Americans or west European, living outside the dysfunction. I'm just agonising and cycling. Just keeping on swimming in circles
It takes a lot of courage to step away from one’s family… takes a lot of pain and suffering to find the courage. Have you ever considered online therapy with a therapist from another country?
I have been. I got some months on BetterHelp. My first therapist gave up, my second said it's better to see someone in person. I had one that just helped me because she felt generous but the sessions were limited and i can't pay for more. I also had some great time on Innsightful but it's for university students and i graduated
Not what you're looking for?
You may also like...
Mom
Mom...
Drama queen
Mom in the frontline
I can't deal with mom
Related Posts
The saddest, happy mom
Unnecessary Drama Increases Anxiety Moderation team
