Regret or just thinking 'what if'?

[Indiegal]

I've been thinking a lot about the direction of my life lately and what would have happened if I never left Los Angeles 14 years ago to move home (to my small Midwest town) for my family. I had a pretty great life living free out there, had some great friends, and was at one point pursuing my dream of being a musician. But then my sister had a baby and I had this vision of how my life could be even more if I moved back and built a life here.

It started off pretty decent, getting in touch again with some old friends, going to a lot of parties and meeting new people, and getting to spend time with family and watching my nephews grow up. Fast forward 14 years and I feel like I wasted away my life here. I'm 45 and single with absolutely no dating prospects, my whole life revolves around my family and what they want to do, I've gained 75 pounds and have some health issues, and I don't really have any friends I can actually count on. I don't really feel like I'm living my life anymore. One good thing that came out of the pandemic for me is that I started my own business, but I work by myself from home and am lonely and often unmotivated. And I don't feel like I ever really connect with anyone around me. I just feel stuck and don't know how to get unstuck.

I'm not one to live with regrets. I tend to think things — both good and bad — happen for a reason. But lately I'm wondering how my life could have turned out so differently had I stayed out in LA. Anyone ever feel this way?

[litethatnevergoesout]

what matters is the direction your pointed right now. I have ended up so far from where I intended to go. the good news about being stuck is that stuck is temporary, you will get unstuck. it’s ok to reflect it helps in our present decision making, dwelling on the past gets sketchy.

[Indiegal in reply to litethatnevergoesout]

Maybe that is the bigger issue. I don't know what direction I want to go realistically. I know I'd like to make more money with my business so I can travel more. And eventually I may want to move, but I don't have any idea where. And I feel like I'd let my nephews down if I left. I spend so much time with them and have revolved my life around them (possibly to my detriment) so being away from them and the rest of my family would be hard.

I think if I had a plan or idea of what I want out of my life or how to get it, I would feel better. But every time I try to do something different it never ends up working out and I get even more disappointed or take 10 steps back.

Any tips on figuring out my next steps forward rather than just dwelling?

[litethatnevergoesout in reply to Indiegal]

be honest with yourself. it’s never too late make dreams a reality and if you want to change your life change your year by changing your month which is changed by your week and so it’s one day at a time. what has your heart? technology will keep you in touch with nephews and family. It’s your ship you’re the captain.

[Indiegal in reply to litethatnevergoesout]

I agree with what you're saying. I just don't know where I want my ship to go (to use your analogy). That's kind of the problem. If I had a place I wanted to go (and could afford) and had a reason to leave, I probably would have already. But with some health issues I'm dealing with and not having a place to go to, I just feel it doesn't make sense to up and leave without a good reason. I've been feeling like this for years and I still don't know where I'd even move to or how to change things if I stay here. I've never felt so stuck for so long before with no clear direction in sight.

[hypercat54 in reply to Indiegal]

I think you have to ask yourself whether you would have liked not being so close with your family and not being part of your nephews lives.

The truth is we can never know how our life would have turned out if we chose differently.

I had a major decision to make 28 years ago on whether to take redundancy at work in London, and to take the chance to move to the small seaside town my family had moved to.

Or to keep my job and stay in London. I will never know how my life would have panned out if I had but I am content enough here now and enjoyed getting to know my own family better. I am single and childless too.

The chances are that your life would have changed had you stayed anyway naturally as nothing lasts forever.

[litethatnevergoesout in reply to hypercat54]

hypercat is speaking the truth. real good wisdom in what she’s said.

[Indiegal in reply to hypercat54]

That's probably a good exercise to do to actually write down what my life could have looked like had I never moved home. Kind of a Sliding Doors experiment (if you know the movie).

[Friends_Fan]

All the time! You're definitely not alone. It's hard to live in the present for me because I don't know how to make things better. I live alone and don't have any family or friends or even a car so I feel trapped alone in my apartment 24/7 (I do have THE BEST 2 cats/babies so I'm incredibly grateful for that). I just joined yesterday though which has been a positive start already. That's so amazing that you started your own business! You should be so proud!

[Indiegal in reply to Friends_Fan]

Thank you for saying that about starting my business! I know I should be grateful I have family. But sometimes they can feel like more of an anchor holding me back than anything.

[Hidden]

I understand sacrificing a fuller social life for the desire to be closer to your family of origin. It hasn’t worked out for me as I thought it might. But hopefully, if nothing else at the moment, you have your family to provide you companionship and emotional support.

[Indiegal in reply to Hidden]

I don't think it's working out for me anymore either. My family isn't really great at emotional support. And I feel like they only want to spend time with me when I'm doing something for them. I don't feel overly supported for what I need.

I'm having surgery in a few weeks so we'll see if that changes for a bit at least while I'm in recovery. My mom's planning on staying with for the first night. But my 14 year old nephew is staying with me a few days later while his family goes on vacation and my sister isn't even answering my questions to help me prepare or has offered to help me clean out the room he wants to stay in. So I feel like if anything they're putting more on me without thinking of my needs. I don't want to feel so selfish, but I feel like the one time it's ok is when I'm recovering from surgery and will be on crutches... and I can't even have that.

[cashew78 in reply to Indiegal]

It's starting to sound like your family is pushing you into a role you no longer want to be in. It's not selfish to advocate for what you want. Maybe a change will do you good? It doesn't even have to be a big change, like a move as you indicated earlier. But small changes beget big changes, so your being open to a move and/or travel is a step away from being cornered and a step towards what you might want the next chapter of your life may look like. You don't have to do, but to consider is important because it means you're actively engaged. Good luck with the surgery; it's not selfish to ask for some support during recovery!

[Indiegal in reply to cashew78]

Thanks! I find it hard to ask for what I want or need from my family. I feel like they act like my needs of 1 person don't matter as much as they're family's needs. Maybe I put up with it for too long that they think it's normal for me to do everything for them.

I appreciate the well wishes for my surgery. I will try to remember to not hesitate to ask for help or think I'm being selfish about it. It will mostly be on my 78 year old mom though or less-than-willing nephew since my sister and her family will be out of town a few days after my surgery. So it's not ideal. I've said stuff to my sister about asking for help cleaning to get ready for her son to stay with me and she kinda ignored me and made a face like she wasn't going to do anything. She doesn't do any cleaning at her house though so I don't see her helping me at my house. So all that feels like it's on me, even though I'm doing it for them.

[CLB1125]

I think everyone at some point wonder about the what ifs. I know I sure do. I’m not a good one to give advice on this subject. My whole life is one big what if!! But it’s been said it’s all in the past and we can’t change that but we can do something about the future. I’m like and feel stuck. But I’m 66 years old and disabled so my prospects are few. But you’re still young. Do some soul searching as to what you can do to make the future brighter. You started your own business, good for you!! That’s a great accomplishment all on its own. Maybe you can expand on that. If you enjoy what you’re doing.

[Indiegal in reply to CLB1125]

Sometimes just knowing I'm not alone in feeling this way helps. I'm also dealing with some health issues so I feel a little stuck because of them right now. Hopefully after the surgery I'm having in a few weeks and once I recover I'll feel better and have the energy to start living more like I want. And thanks for the praise about starting my business. Again, once my health is better I'm hoping I can do some things to grow it I had planned before all my health issues got bad.