Just thinking...

[vanessi]

Have you ever wondered how you would be if you had everything you want, by saying this I don't mean to be millionaire or kind of material things. I mean realistic things such as living in the place where you wanna live, in a place where you feel it is your home and you feel safe.

Being very healthy physically and mentally

Working on what you like and feel passionate for it.

Having your partner supporting you everyday like if that person were your best friend and being so sure she or he is never gonna leave you nor hurt you.

Feeling internal peace inside you and see all the beauties this world has. See mornings like a new hope to learn things and love your closest ones.

Wait for weekends to do other kind of things that you usually don't do during weekdays. Even enjoy a movie lying down on the sofa would make you feel great.

Have goals and keep counting days to achieve them. Have a straight path and focus on the good things.

I know how would be my life if I could have everything I mentioned before. I have learnt happiness is too short and pain a long way ahead. One day you feel you are the king of the world and at the next day you don't even know who you are. I have tried for so many years to build my happiness and put all the pieces together that for me are necessary in my life and I have missed many moments just to achieve my plans without realising life is right now.

And have you ever thought "why me" I ask myself every day the same question but without an answer

I see people happy, enjoying, seeing life like a gift

Is people around me truly happy? Or we are just having bad periods of time to learn and enjoy every time we can

[Lostjoy]

This is really something to think about.

[Janieliza]

Why me? I used to say that alot...esp with the anxiety and depression plus agoraphobia. From the outside ppl thought I had the ideal life..my children..a beautiful home, a kind and caring husband, my ideal job which I always wanted to do and succeeded and even my dream car...im comfortable because I'm careful. I don't buy designer gear, I don't follow fashion trends. I'm happy with a £20 pair of trainers. I've raised my children to be the same and if they do want something that bit more expensive or a 'name' I tell them they can earn the money by doing little jobs or help me so certain things and with my eldest I suggested he may go and help with the food banks which means that money is theirs but if they don't want to and they want to borrow it to pay back, they pay me back double!!( this is more for my eldest as lulu doesn't understand monetary values due to her special needs). He chose the pay back double initially and im certain called me a few choice words..but when it meant he had to save his pocket money from his grandparents every week rather than spend it to pay me back he started to do little things to make it! Win win lol. However the actual reality was that ok I may have the things I wanted and I worked my backside off to get these things but I was also living a daily nightmare. Would I have swapped all i had worked for..just to have a day where I came out of the darkness? Yes absolutely I would have then...yes. my kind and caring husband was actually having affairs...he couldn't cope with my darkness and I totally understood that yet I wish he would have walked away first rather than the way it was done...to add insult to injury he told said mistress that I was suicidal and he couldn't leave which translates to "I don't want to leave this side of the grass and even tho your side(mistress) is greener I'm not going to commit to you just yet". So, I'll go back to the beginning of my comments...i live in a beautiful home (it's bricks and mortar...what happens inside is what makes it a home..it wasn't a 'home' for anyone when I was at my worst) I've just explained the kind and caring husband...he would hold my hand in public so outside image was verrry important to him, ideal job...even that suffered as I couldn't hide my anxiety anymore, as I was in denial it didn't help but in the end i had to leave...i couldn't continue. I've gone back to the same job and yes I was very fortunate to do so. What was next...ahh yes my dream car. I saved for this....my own gift to myself for getting thro it all. My children...ahhh my darlings. I lost a child not so long ago...lily. she was born with the same syndromes as lulu but much much worse...most of her birthdays were spent in hospital, her 7th birthday was the only one where we could take her out and she loved it. Lulu struggles daily and she's such a little star...never moans. Ollies the eldest at nearly 19 and he was on his own with us for years...he doesn't say it but he was almost pushed to one side because lulu needed round the clock care and then 13 months later lily came along. I remember Ollie telling the midwife when she announced he had a sister "I asked daddy for a puppy"..bless. I've tried to make it up to him and I know it's hurt him yet he's turned into the most gentle giant(he's 6ft 6 and as wide as he is tall) and he's sensitive. Now I've gone off spec here im so sorry I tend to do this lol. So from the outside I seem to have it all...but in reality there's so much history and pain. Are ppl around you truly happy? To everyone I must have been right? You now know I wasn't. Again sorry I went on abit and went off topic. Hugs. Janie.

[vanessi in reply to Janieliza]

It is ok, i am sorry for all that. I know people have their own issues but they don't show them.

Me, for example i meant a place where your feel is home. I wanna be in a place where i can feel comfortable, no matter if it is big or small, just a place where i can stay and don't feel i can't breathe

[Janieliza in reply to vanessi]

Ahh yes I know what you mean. I kind of meant that too...in a too long round about way. It took a long long time for me to get there but I finally did.

[vanessi in reply to Janieliza]

I am glad, right now i can't feel like that where i live.

[Janieliza in reply to vanessi]

It's not an easy journey lovely. As fauxartist says it's a rollercoaster...a word I've used many many times on here and that feeling of not belonging and numbness is common. I couldn't settle I was always agitated and irritated by 'something' I would go through the motions of being a parent and everyday life yet the darkness I wore like a cloak. When I had agoraphobia I had so much physical pain also and what made it worse was I feared I would die bcas I wouldn't leave the house. Constantly up and down and more downs than up...its horrendous. I feel for you as it's an emotion that's hard to explain to ourselves never mind to anyone else!!. You will get there, there's no magic wand or quick fix..its hard work yet doable. I send you my best wishes xx

[vanessi in reply to Janieliza]

Best wishes for you too xx

[fauxartist]

For me, life is an emotional roller coaster, and my partner has made the choice to go on it with me, ups and downs, good and bad. I have good days where all is right with the world. And I have the days where I don't want to get out of bed. I find myself just coping with the next thing that comes along the best I can, and it's usually water leaks, tooth abbess, a week with no money for basics, cluster migraines, bullshit. But you know, it passes, and I know its going to pass. That's the difference today...there will be another day and another, and some are good and some are shit...but there is always hope for a good one, and just ride out the bad.

[vanessi in reply to fauxartist]

I agree with you, lucky you tha u have someone who has your back

[hypercat54]

I think if you follow your dreams with passion you will be happy even if you are miserable! x

[vanessi in reply to hypercat54]

The thing is i have no dreams anymore

[stargazer056 in reply to vanessi]

What kind of issues do you have where you live?

[vanessi in reply to stargazer056]

I just don't feel ok, look before i enjoyed being alone at home, it was like my nest, a place where you can feel ok. Then i moved with my ex and i felt that was my place, my home, where i felt safe. Now that i am back i see this place dark, i hate being here cos i start remembering what i had, i have nice memories in this house when i was happy when i had him. Now i feel i can't breathe here, i feel lonely, i don't like being alone anymore. But i don't have anywhere to go

[fauxartist in reply to vanessi]

I empathize with you..a number of years ago I lost everything, and I mean everything..relationship, my business, my health, and alllll my stuff. I had to live down the street from my house I had to sell to stay afloat, the house that I loved and cared for for almost 20years. I just thought I would live in regret for the rest of my life. Amazingly, one day a light bulb just went on, I was getting low on funds and knew I had to live or die, seriously, I was drinking again which would have killed me, after 23 years of sobriety, and all the money was almost gone. I stopped drinking, had my cat, my car and a few things I could fit in my car and said...'f..k' it'...if I don't live another year, at least it will be out of this hell hole I got myself into.

I moved to Oregon, a place where when I was flush, I loved vacationing. It ended up being 'poverty in paradise', but at least I was where I wanted to be. And that was 7 years ago. Yes it got very dicey at times. Then things just gradually got better. Sure I miss some of my stuff, but honestly...it's just stuff....and most of it I have since replaced....the rest that is behind me, got me where I am now. Sometimes we hit the darkest place in our life, and don't see a light, .....I had to just open my eyes and go for it....I am no stronger than anyone else, it was a miracle really, but they do happen.

My hopes and good thoughts go your way that you will find your path, and your way will be lit with hope, and knowing there are no promises for happy ever after, but anything is better when you can see a glimmer of light ahead of you, but your the one who has to light the flame my friend...peace be with you.

[vanessi in reply to fauxartist]

Thank you so much for sharing, it was really nice to read this and realise i am not alone on this. Best wishes for you

[alfie19 in reply to fauxartist]

Thank you for sharing this is so true the answer lies deep within our souls we just need to reach out and search for what we want and need. God Bless You.

[vanessi in reply to alfie19]

God bless you too!