I'm on critical. Thought coming home would help but messed things more

[Against_the_current]

im on critical. i can't even force myself to act normal in front of mom and sis. I'm in great pain. one day i sleep 3 hours, another i sleep 12. i feel like i did bad by coming home and even bringing my food back. i overthink this decision. I don't have money to buy more food and return and mom used my chocolate milk bottle for wine. Idk when and whether to return back as i haven't lost the place yet nor gotten a job here or there. But i can't. I can't think clear. I thought coming home i would feel better and im on critical. I need a psychologist and a psychiatrist asap but i don't have money for psychologist and for psychiatrist soon i won't have insurance and i can't handle leaving my meds and starting new

[CLB1125]

if your father is going to cut off your money how will you pay for the accommodation? Are there more opportunities in that city to find work? It seems staying with your mother is a toxic situation for you. Have you tried having a calm conversation with your father to help you decide what you should do?

[Against_the_current in reply to CLB1125]

He will cut it off. He has his interests. There are more opportunities to work but im not well. I'm really not well and idk how to even stay without crying and gagging. It's toxic but he has two younger daughters and people on a previous post said i was being egocentric. I'm really on critical and i need a safe home. I can't work and live alone and take care of household nor is living with my mother good. I'm just crying and confused. I can't get myself out of the mud

[CLB1125 in reply to Against_the_current]

The longer you stay in limbo the deeper you will fall into despair. It has to end. We all have situations in our lives that are hard to make a decision that will be affect our life, but eventually the decision has to be made, one way or another, and hope we made the right decision. If you decide to stay at your mother’s then go on with your life. Decide how you will manage. Make a plan for when your mom starts being mean to you. Whatever that may be. Getting a job even a part time job will allow you to get out of the house and away from her for a while. Go online and find ways to tune her out when she’s picking on you. Learning how to ignore her will help you mentally. I understand how confused you are. Taking control over your life will help you to mentally recover. Remember now, Im not telling you what to do but suggesting what might help you. To calm your anxiety.

[Against_the_current in reply to CLB1125]

Thank you. You're right. I'm agonising. I have to make a decision and stick to it. I have to find ways to ignore her but how. I'm so tired

[CLB1125 in reply to Against_the_current]

Someone had mentioned AlAnon before. That would be a good place to start. There are sites online. It is not for the drinker, but for the family of the drinker! They can help you find ways to handle your mother’s abusive ways, that are safe and healthy for you. They don’t judge, they live with the same situations you do. Please consider checking it out. Also you said you don’t take your meds because your mother calls them something (sorry I forgot the word) but my point is you know they are your medicine and they help you, so ignore her words and take them when you are supposed to. Not taking them when you should doesn’t help you.

[Against_the_current in reply to CLB1125]

Yea but i get nore triggered tbh

[CLB1125 in reply to Against_the_current]

That is what you need to work on. Realizing what triggers you and finding a way to not let it trigger you anymore it takes time but being aware of what is happening and having a plan to avoid it will help you to cope with the situation.

[SoporRose]

No matter how bad things are at your mom’s place, you are always in an even worse state alone in that accommodation. I know that’s hard to remember while dealing with all the problems where you are, but if you go back and read your posts about living in that box, you’ll know you made the better decision. And good for you. Give yourself credit for that and don’t waste energy on thinking about returning to a place where you starve. For what it is worth, your writing is clearer now that your are back where you have food, water, and a clean place to live. Despite all the issues, I see your mind growing stronger.

[Against_the_current in reply to SoporRose]

Thank you so so much. I needed to hear that because i was feeling like i made a mistake and i was grieving the place and going litterary crazy over the smell of alcohol. I was going crazy overthinking why im here and should i return. I will at a certain time to take all my stuff and i already feel nauseous. I don't know where i will put it. I still haven't paid rent and i don't think dad will give me or idk. I was just thinking whether i made the rright decision

[CLB1125 in reply to SoporRose]

I agree. Your posts were very hard to follow before. It won’t be easy being with your mom but keep telling yourself it’s better than where I was, and it’s not forever.

[Against_the_current in reply to CLB1125]

Goodness, thank you, i needed to hear my decision wasn't so bad

[SoporRose in reply to CLB1125]

You made the right decision. It wasn't an easy one, but it was the right one.

[Against_the_current in reply to SoporRose]

I needed to her this so much. Especially when mom's telling me im too controlling of her. Im worried she's under control at work, now i control her here. How to let go? My mind yries to protect them but ends up doing harm. Should be illegal to have kids in a one room apparment. Does she understand me? My mind in convulsion. I feel so bad for her

[SoporRose in reply to Against_the_current]

I'm not good at letting go of what control I have either. I guess you have to let your mom and sister live their own lives and make their own choices and keep your thoughts to yourself or spill them out here. That's incredibly difficult, I know.