Therapy tomorrow, but I feel like talking today

[SaintMarvelous]

I've been in a state of anxiety for the past two weeks or so.

I have an appointment with a therapist tomorrow, but I feel like talking today.

I’ve been on Effexor XR for almost 20 years and was in the process of tapering off, but due to these anxiety issues those plans are on hold.

I’m not looking for a perfect life; I just want the anxiety to go away. I want to be able to eat normally again. I want my regular sleep pattern back. I don’t want to constantly feel ashamed of myself. I want to scream but I can’t even cry. I want to live, just not like this. I don’t want the anxiety and depression to spiral into a place where I put myself in danger.

I tend to catastrophize and make assumptions about things that I have no insight into. Pessimism is my main coping mechanism; I plan for the worst, hoping the worst won’t happen. I want to stop. I need to fix my way of thinking to appreciate the good things in life and not have my depressed mind play tricks on me.

It was first triggered by work issues; I've made some serious mistakes that have put my position in jeopardy and I’m scared of being fired when I need to make a living. Fortunately, my workplace is helping me out a bit, but I’m not sure how it’s going to go, as the rest of my team doesn’t seem to have time for me. The department is poorly organized and overwhelmed, and as a result, so am I. I would like to quit this job and find another one, but the hiring outlook for my area of expertise) isn’t good at the moment. I also struggle with standing out from the multiple other people who are competing for the same job, as well as with ageism. I’m fearful that I won’t be able to find something else. I’m trying to connect online with the email marketing community and potentially hire a career coach, but I’m struggling with doubts about whether that will be a waste of money.

My mother has dementia. Seeing her in this state is breaking my heart. She was once a vibrant, brilliant woman who comforted me when I needed it most. She has been reduced to a shadow of her former self. She seems to be even more depressed than I am, due to her confusion. She often calls me in a worried state and I have a hard time consoling her. My brother and I are in the process of getting her some help (home care), but I can’t help feeling as if I could be doing more. I lack the skills to handle a person with dementia. I love her so much, but I don’t like going to see her once a week (which is all I have time for) because it’s so heartbreaking seeing her struggle with her thoughts and completing everyday tasks. It makes me feel guilty and selfish.

I’m also very lonely, and I don’t have any friends. I have an extremely hard time approaching people and talking to them. I always feel like nobody likes me. My only real support system is my brother, who has been wonderful throughout the past two weeks, but he has a life of his own and can’t drop everything for me at any given time. I go to Pilates classes twice a week and I enjoy them, and I like the limited contact I have with people there. However, I haven’t been able to go because I’ve recently had hand surgery. I have difficulty finding joy in small things.

[Astro_potato]

I'm really sorry you're going through this right now, it sounds like alot to deal with. I was on Effexor XR for 24 years when due to a medical episode I had to change to a different medication. It's been very difficult. I'm not sure if you see a psychiatrist or a family doc to prescribe your meds, but I will say that seeing a psychiatrist versus my family doc has been very beneficial for me. I hope you can find in-home health for your Mom, that will probably give you a little peace of mind. Watching the health of our loved ones deteriorate is one of the hardest things we can ever do. Hugs to you, and hope you find some peace.

[SaintMarvelous]

update: I was let go from my job today. I’m battling different feelings about that; I’m strangely relieved, because I was so unhappy there; at the same time I’m concerned about finding a new job.

[hypercat54]

Oh dear you do have a lot going on and I am sorry to hear all this.

You say your work let you go? Was it because of the hand surgery? Is it better now as I doubt you will find work with only one hand.

I hope it is.

[SaintMarvelous in reply to hypercat54]

My firing had nothing to do with the hand surgery. It was a minor procedure that's healing nicely. The firing had more to do with my becoming so stressed out at the job that I made some serious mistakes.

[litethatnevergoesout]

first, hello second, welcome to the anxiety and depression community here. thirdly, you covered quite a bit and although it sounds like too much to deal with right now you’ve sorted it all out rather calmly.

you began and ended your situation with out much of a beginning or ending and you’ve not asked any questions or seem confused about anything, I don’t even sense any sort of rant or venting in your words really, I don’t mean this in a bad way at all so please forgive me if it comes across as negative, you sound as if you’re describing what the weather has been like. even the update about losing your job is indifferent. I say this because I would like to support and help I have no idea what or where or how to do that.

so, saintmarvelous, I’ll just ask some questions if you don’t mind. can I ask what your employment is what was your profession? is it in the area of your expertise? or is it something different. do you have enough money to hire a carer for your poor mother? how long has she been living with dementia? what an absolutely awful disease that is. is she alone until you’re able to visit her? what are your plans for income? can you afford a life coach for that? what has happened to your hand? what is the outlook concerning that? will you need rehab for it? how long are you left one handed? do you live alone? is there anyone to help care for you? I don’t know where to direct my questions so forgive me for asking so much I think I would fall apart facing the situation you’ve found yourself in so I hope you have some sort of help beyond your brother. what will be your first plan of attack after your therapy session tomorrow, do you know what you will focus on during your visit? what do you hope to get from it? Is it your first therapy session? do you have a psychiatrist prescribing the Effexor or is that coming from your general practitioner?

lastly, you said “I don’t want the anxiety and depression to spiral into a place where I put myself in danger“ what do you mean?

I hope therapy goes well for you. please update us and reach out for support here. you’ve been really open about your situation, what led you to find this site? many of us have been so lucky to discover this community I hope you can benefit from being here as so many others have. it’s a treasure of caring helpful supportive people who suffer or have suffered from anxiety depression and other ailments like agoraphobia and the pains of loss and trauma and other plights associated with emotional and mental health concerns.

I hope to hear back from you and I’m sure we all would like to learn about any developments and progress you make going forward.

💡

edited typo

[SaintMarvelous in reply to litethatnevergoesout]

Hi litethatnevergoesout,

Thanks for the response. I can't help my writing style; it's just the way I express myself.

To put it plainly, I want to live, just not like this.

I'm currently unemployed, as I lost my job yesterday. I'm experiencing conflicting feelings about it; on the first hand, I'm relieved because job woes are what triggered my anxiety in the first place; I'm also scared because I need to make a living and I'm concerned about being able to find a new job before I run out of money to live on. I work in the email marketing field.

Money isn't the issue surrounding getting care for my mother; she planned and has long-term care insurance that will help defray the cost of getting her assistance. The issue has more to do with time. Vetting healthcare workers and choosing the right one is a long process. She has trouble taking care of herself every day and she needs a qualified and caring person to do that. I can't do it myself because I have no experience in health care (specifically for a person with dementia). I can visit her more often because I'm now unemployed, but I have to set some sort of boundary (I have to look for a new job now, and eventually I'll get one). I currently visit her once a week, and that will now increase a bit.

As for the hand surgery, it was a minor procedure (carpal tunnel release), so I'm not permanently disabled. It's healing nicely and will get better. It's a bit frustrating not being able to go to Pilates classes or for a bike ride, which are two things that help me feel better.

I had my first therapy session today with a new practitioner and it went pretty well. I've been in therapy before, but since I've been feeling so much worse lately I wanted to take action. I wanted to be proactive and help myself immediately. That's part of what I was referring to when I said “I don’t want the anxiety and depression to spiral into a place where I put myself in danger“. I know that to some extent, things are going to get worse (my mom's dementia is only going to progress, and I don't know how long I'm going to be unemployed). I want tools and coping mechanisms so I don't become suicidal or prone to self-harm. Since my support network is thin I need someone to talk to, particularly someone non-judgmental who won't make me feel even more guilty than I already do. My brother has been amazing for the past 2 weeks (he's amazing in general, however), he's been willing to talk to me and made some pretty good observations regarding our childhood and relationship with our mother. It's important to keep in mind that he has a life and responsibilities of his own and I don't want to constantly bog him down with my issues.

As for Effexor, I have a PA-C who is managing that, who's affiliated with the same clinic that my new therapist is.

Once again, thanks for responding and I hope you have a great day! 🙂

[optimismrus]

Hi SaintMarvelous, I'm glad to hear you met with the therapist. Talking with someone objective is so good. Isn't it interesting that now you've lost your job you will have time to find the right person to care for your mom. Breathe. Take the steps to find the care giver and that will be one less challenge on your plate. Everything you've written tells me that you are intelligent, capable and love your family. You are strong. Work on self-esteem and self-love with your therapist. I'm so glad you found this site. Best wishes 🥰