Life has been a rollercoaster. I have barely been able to get out of bed. My meds quit working months ago. My veins quit cooperating so they've been using the veins in my hands before they decide to put a port in me- Which I am not looking forward to. I have done everything they've said to avoid it, but nothing is helping. To me, having a port is an "I'm sick" sign, even more than my low weight.
I have been waiting for, what feels like forever, for my insurance to approve the new medication they're switching me to. I got all of the vaccinations I have to have before starting it. When I checked the preapproval status, it was "paused." I have no idea why, so I'm calling the office tomorrow to check on that. They had me cancel my copay assistance on the med I'm currently on to switch to the copay assistance for the med I'm switching to. The insurance company told me that they cover the new med, so I have no idea what is going on but my anxiety is skyrocketing.
I went to the gyno last week because I was having some pain and problems with one of my breasts. On top of that, I felt a nodule. It moved, so I wasn't too concerned, but breast cancer runs in my immediate family (like my dad's entire family) so I felt compelled to get checked to be safe. I made an appointment and didn't tell anyone but my friend who took me. I told my husband I was going for my annual. I didn't want to worry anyone for just a moveable nodule. Most of the time those are just cysts or something like that.
She felt those and wasn't concerned, then she found a large, hard, non-movable mass. Great. She sent over paperwork for me to have images done, and then we talked a bit. She is taking it seriously because of my family history and the medication I am on for Lupus.
I can't get in for the imaging for 2 weeks and 3 days. I'm going to go crazy! Of course, I came home and told my husband. I showed him the paperwork and he looked it over 3 times. He put his nose to mine and told me whatever it was, we were in it together. Awesome! What he did not do, was hug me. He did not hold me. Not once. To this day, 4 days later, he hasn't held me.
I told my family the day after I told my husband. My family is in another country, except for my younger sister. My older sister cried. My dad's sister is currently going through chemo for breast cancer that has also spread to her lymph nodes. When I say this is in my dad's family, I mean... his mom died from it, one sister beat it, one sister is currently going through it, and a lot of cousins have died from it. So, our family is sensitive to even the possibility. Especially right now.
My best friend in the entire world is in another state, and while we are all hoping for good results, she has a plan B in case. If we get negative results she will be here in 12 hours, which is the amount of time it takes her to drive from her location to mine. I love her! I wish so much she were here right now.
While I have all the support I could hope for virtually, I wish someone would hold me and let me cry. I have comforted so many people, but not one person has held me and just let me cry it out. My sister that is here hasn't come over. I can't blame her, she has her own life. I have been sick for so long that, and I think this is just one more possibility added to my long list and I think that is just how it is now.
While I understand that deep in my core... I feel so unbelievably lonely right now. I have been analyzing my life and I know when I changed and I don't want to be this shell. I have been sick for so long and it's exhausting. But I can't exactly ignore my body. I've tried and it doesn't end well for me.
I stopped working six years ago in Feb. because of seizures. SIX YEARS! I have helped my daughter with virtual school for five years. Right now she does it on her. She's been doing it long enough that she is a pro and she's old enough now that she really doesn't want me up her ass with it. She asks for help when she needs it. I check to make sure she stays on top of her assignments and I keep in touch with her teachers. But she's pretty independent now.
I've tried to find WFH stuff, and nothing pans out. I feel like a complete failure at this point. When I left my ex-husband who was abusive, I swore I would never be dependent on anyone ever again. My current husband is amazing and doesn't hold anything over me. I am completely reliant on him, and I can't stand it. I appreciate him so much, but deep inside me it makes me feel dirty. I know that's something I have to deal with psychologically. That is my fault, not his. That comes with my C-PTSD.
I cannot stand not helping with bills or financial needs. It makes me feel useless. I cannot stand that because I am sick, I cannot keep up with chores like I used to. If I could WFH, at least I would help him a little. He won't say it, but there's no way he doesn't feel a little resentful toward me. That destroys relationships eventually. I don't want that to happen to us. It terrifies me.
The fact that he didn't hug me when I found out I MAY have breast cancer... I have so many thoughts. I'm more afraid of what's happening here than what's happening inside of me. I have to change things or I may lose him. He's been amazing to me but he may be getting tired and I wouldn't blame him one bit. I don't know if I have completely given up the fight. I know my meds quit working, but I have barely been able to get out of bed, the fatigue and neck pain have been so bad. But I am no kind of spouse anyone would CHOOSE. I don't want to be someone he got stuck with. I feel like my life just imploded in less than a week.🤯
And please don't go after him in this post. It really isn't his fault. Imagine being with someone like this. He has literally been there with me through so much over 13 years. I wasn't sick when we got together. He stuck with me through everything. I think he's overloaded and depressed. He's been working 6 days a week to get extra money. Our rent just increased. He's the only one working. He won't talk to me about his feelings because he doesn't want to stress me out. No matter how much I try. He's been there for my sister through her messy marriage. He's really been great. He's shut down though. And I feel like it's my fault. But whether he's shut down or not, he's always there for me. 😞 But our marriage can't be one-sided.
Why do I feel like I'm the only one in my family to confront our issues?
I feel like giving up
I feel like my brain is fried 😖
feeling abandoned and like an outsider in my family
