im not me

[AlchemistAX]

hello, i don’t really know whats been going on inside me. I feel like I’m not really ever me, like I don’t even know who that was. My father is an alcoholic narcissist and my mother blames it on me and my brothers. From when I was 7 or 8 I realized that they were in reality children, and that if they were children then i needed to be the adult. I have two brothers who are a lot younger than me and i wanted to be like a father to them both for my own pride’s sake and because i knew our dad didn’t care about them at all. The issue was I was to damaged and obviously didn’t know what i was doing so i made hundreds of mistakes and treated them badly. Now i am stuck in rage for my parents because of how much pain they have caused but at the same time sympathy because i am no better than them. Mostly i just hate myself. I have never really had friends, i have had people who call me friend but im not sure if thats real because no one has ever known me. When ever i have told someone about my pain they only tell me that i have had it easy compared to them or to someone else. I am sure that will happen again after i post this. I just want to disappear but i can’t disappear from myself and that is who i want to disappear from most. Ok im done word vomiting if anyone has had similar feelings or experiences please reach out.

[Excludite]

Although my childhood was different, I too want to disappear, and have no friends either. You have the right to feel what you’re feeling. Self awareness and understanding the root cause is a start.

[PersephoneGreen]

when people downplay your feelings like that it really sucks. I hate that people won’t let you feel how you feel and try to compare problems. Everyone is unique and if a person feels something is a problem then it is a problem for them. And I totally get the feeling of wanting to disappear, I often just want to runaway but I don’t know where to go or how things would get better. I think your word vomit sums up how a lot of people feel but are scared to say, so way to be brave.

[Ellamaye in reply to PersephoneGreen]

I hope the original poster reads your reply x we feel how we feel. It's true for the individual no comparison.

[AlchemistAX in reply to Ellamaye]

Thank you i did read it

[AlchemistAX in reply to PersephoneGreen]

Thank you for taking the time to share kindness with me

[catsrock]

It sounds like you need to learn how to parent yourself since you're parents didn't do their job. I have the same issue. It's called inner child work and it might help you as it made a huge difference for me. It takes work, but it's worth it. Just wanted you to know I get where you are coming from and how hard it is.

[MaggieSylvie]

I think Catsrock's reply contains good advice, and in the meantime, could I suggest that you make a list of the things that would describe you, i.e. you're compassionate, disturbed, caring. You might want to list the positive against the negative. It can just help you think through what you are - not what others think you are - that might be another list, along with researching why they think those things, and then are they true or not? A bit of soul-searching.😊

[Ellamaye in reply to MaggieSylvie]

That's a good idea for all of us to do especially the positive list 😊

[MaggieSylvie in reply to Ellamaye]

oh yes, indeed!😊