Need Help With A Depressed Partner

[RizzKalifa]

I have a partner of a decade (well an ex technically that I live with) who is extremely depressed and has checked out. He has su*cidal ideation but promises he would never do anything because it would kill his family. his father took his own life when he was a baby, so I feel there could be genetic components also to his MH. My life is fraught with worry and as someone who also struggles I know it is a sensitive topic to navigate with someone struggling. I have tried in so many ways to help for the last couple of years, by letting him know I am there and not forcing anything, by being soft and taking a step back, and then taking a more practical and upfront approach.

Nothing has helped, if anything he got worse, blamed me and became emotionally abusive. He isn't the best communicator and is emotionally immature. This isn't a dig. It's just factual. He resorts to passive-aggression to get his way, but I understand why he is like this (his past and neurodivergence). I respect that everyone isn't going to be as upfront with feelings and vulnerability and prefer to be of few words. I also understand you can't get anywhere with someone who communicates like this.

He was there for me in my darkest times and helped me stay afloat. I never wish this pain on anyone but he genuinely doesn't see any point in life. He hates people and existence, refuses to seek help and thinks it's all BS. He doesn't trust doctors. By nature his personality is on the other side of the spectrum than mine, I'd be more bubbly whereas he would be more dark and sardonic. It worked for a long while. As the years went on he became darker and my spark was getting drained. As a person, he is a kind soul and a hard worker, but weed addiction and his natural introversion along with bad health news with his parent was a melting pot for a breakdown. He fears exploding at someone at work so he is leaving. He wants to leave it all and disappear into a hole. I don't know what to do. Short of leaving him alone. My heart is shattered because I have no choice but to leave. (I can't leave ASAP because of financial restraints and a dog.) I still love him deeply and he is my best friend.

Every time he leaves I think he may not come back. I have had su*icide happen in my family and friend circle so it's triggering. He warned that if I contacted the doctors he would never speak to me again and kick me out. I don't think the docs would see it as an emergency anyway as they are pathetic here. He says there is no hope for him and he doesn't want it. His siblings aren't much help and don't seem to care. His mother isn't cognisant anymore. There is no support system. I relate that to that and I know I am not obligated to him and vice versa.

Anybody out there with some help, advice or kind words, I would much appreciate it.

[April2024]

Tough situation. If only he would take a medication he could have his life back, if even just a little. Can you get him to exercise or get on an app for help? I tried calm and I love it. Maybe once you are gone he will seek some type of help. I really hope he doesn't contemplate suicide. My doctor told me it may not kill me and could just cause more harm in the end. I think of that every time I get suicidal.

[RizzKalifa in reply to April2024]

Thanks so much for your reply! He has tried a couple of SSRIs years ago but hated how they made him feel. He gave up. Exercise efforts normally happen for a week then nothing for six months. As you can imagine, being severely depressed, energy is minimal so it's counrterproductive and a tough wall to break. He would probably roll his eyes at anything like Calm, but will still give it a shot. I hope so too, I genuinely feel really scared. For the time being I am giving him space as to not overwhelm him, then at a later date see if he listens to some suggestions. Therapy would help, so would medication, it's getting him to actual take the leap. He went to therapy about a decade ago and said it helped then. He is pretty far gone now and the stubborn mindset and behavior is not helping him.

[April2024 in reply to RizzKalifa]

Yes. Energy does run really low with depression. There are so many more medications now with less side effects. I would love if he would try again.

[Nordie2024]

Good morning,

I am sorry to hear about your partner's massive problems and the difficulties in your communication. Is it perhaps possible that your partner is suffering from complex trauma? (In this case, "normal" therapies and SSRIs etc. would hardly be helpful.) Trauma-oriented therapy goes through the body (bottom up approach - instead of top down approach as with "normal" therapies).

One of the ways to try to master Complex Trauma all alone is going numb, or sinking into deepest depression.

Complex trauma very often goes undiagnosed. By the time you get a proper diagnosis, you may have been treated for depression or anxiety or ADHD or.. or.. or... for years or decades (in vain). Trauma informed therapy does not require - as with other therapies - that you first have to talk a great deal and lay out all your painful experiences. Instead, trauma therapy allows you to feel safe and stable, to feel yourself again - and only from there can you move on together with your therapist.

Recommend these books of experts:

„Complex Trauma“ by Pete Walker, pete-walker.com/

„The Body keeps the score“ by Bessel van der Kolk, besselvanderkolk.com/

„Sensorimotor Psychotherapy“ by Pat Ogden & Janina Fisher, nicabm.com/experts/pat-ogden/. and janinafisher.com/

„Healing developmental trauma“ by Laurence Heller, drlaurenceheller.com/

Here some links for more information

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Compl...

healthline.com/health/menta...

cptsdfoundation.org/peer-su...

nicabm.com/

cptsdfoundation.org/

brickelandassociates.com/ou...

brickelandassociates.com/su...

(this last link does not relate only to the pandemic but to the inner life of trauma survivors)

If your partner perhaps has Complex Trauma, the above resources might be helpful to get started to find appropriate help.

I wish you both good luck and strength to get through and master this difficult situation!

[RizzKalifa in reply to Nordie2024]

Hello! Thank you for your response. I appreciate it all the help. I think you could be right, as he has endured a lot of trauma that he doesn't like to talk about. These links are amazing and feel they will be beneficial. He loves to read, so it is an easier suggestion to begin with.

[MetalEnjoyer]

Mental health and relationships is difficult and I understand with me and my wife. I was someone who has become nothing, but hate to then realize I've lost who I was. I understand why he thinks that way to a closer extent than I wish. But I believe there is good in everyone. It's just the bad parts we express because it becomes an acceptable impulse to everyone around them. Theres tons of support, look into therapy. I believe you can do it. Just be brave and face those fears.

Much love ,

🙂💖

[RizzKalifa]

Hey there, I appreciate your response. He too is a metal enjoyer haha. There is definitely so much good there and beauty in life to experience, but it's difficult when it becomes clouded by our own problems and mindset. Can't see the wood for the trees. I understand it, I only hope he can see the light and know there are beautiful moments in-between all the madness to relish in. I hate the thought of anyone fighting alone. I will approach this again carefully with all your responses and suggestions in mind. Thanks for the love!

[MetalEnjoyer in reply to RizzKalifa]

Looking on YouTube and things with real certified therapist. One lady said to look back in on your inner child to help find your needs. Why you do the things you do. It's help me discover that I wasn't always an angry person and that I actually always look for good in people. It also made me realize our fears are all in our heads and that the real world is much more loving and connecting if you seek it. I'm actually acting as the connecting force for all my friends so that gave me new purpose. He could have had a hard childhood for all we know and he's never told anyone. So good luck to you and I'm certain you can do it because everyone in my eyes are beautiful and we just need to find and seek it out of each other. Seeking out help is the best step you'll probably ever make. Less lonely that way.🙂

Much love 💕

[RizzKalifa in reply to MetalEnjoyer]

He maintains he has always been this way, which is sad if that's how he perceives it. He is naturally more pessimistic/cynical/quiet etc., but I have heard that he had a tough childhood. Denial and avoidance are still the go-to. I can't force him, but I will be there as much as I can before I finally give up for the sake of my health. I am praying that won't happen. It has to be his own decision.

Thanks for the love and kind words ☺️

[MetalEnjoyer in reply to RizzKalifa]

Thats how I felt. What he needs to probably do is go back facing those fears and figure out what happened and how to heal those wounds. Self parenting and stuff. Therapist can definitely help him with that. If he wants his family to not worry about him. Than he needs to take that step because it will only get worse for him.