opinion

[kanzler1987]

Okay I need some stranger advice:

My spouse and I have been in a relationship for 15+ years. In those 15+ years I kinda had my spouse teach me how to drive, but I also kinda stopped having him teach me how to drive. So here is the advice I need: just a few questions and I want your honest answers:

1. Do you feel in the course of a relationship, where mostly everything is split down the middle that driving counts as a responsibility that should be spilt down the middle?

2. If so, what chores/responsibilities come to just as equal to driving? ( examples does dishes, dinner, trashes, equal the same amount as driving does, and driving includes errands, work and SOMETIMES adventures)

3. If you disagree with these first two statements, please put in your opinion what driving is equivalent to, to house chores/responsiblity? ( examples of other responsibly, such as helping your own family out to go to doctors appointments, birthday parties with your community, play dates with your community, along with work, errands, and again I dare say SOMETIMES ADVENTURES)

4. If you agree that both spouses should drive, as it is a equal opportunity relationship, please in the comments put your reasons why both spouses should drive, and weather both spouse should help out around the house/chores/responsiblities( such as doctors appointments, play dates, Girl Scouts, birthday parties…..) and if you feel if one spouse does all the house work equals to the other spouse doing all the chores, such as laundry, yard work, dishes, taking care of our one daughter, along with the one pet we have, etc etc……

These issues have been something my spouse and I have been struggling with for 15+years. So maybe strangers can give me better advice on how to handle these issues.

I hope I learn so much.

Thank you, can’t wait for your opinion.

[hypercat54]

There is no opposite or equal of any task and you are approaching it from the wrong angle.

Also it depends too on how many hours you each work outside the home. If one partner does 40 hours and the other 20 then the latter should be doing more to make up.

Its a case of sitting down and each putting forward their point of view calmly without interrupting each other or making accusations as that only leads to arguments.

Do you feel you are doing more than your partner? Do you feel as though you are in charge and have to organise everything too? Or is it the other way round?

Oh and it rarely works well having a partner teaching you how to drive. Take lessons with a professional is my advice.

[kanzler1987 in reply to hypercat54]

To answer your two questions, yes, to both. And I will see if I can find adult permit test classes to take……and adult behind the wheel ones……

Thank you for your advice.

[hypercat54 in reply to kanzler1987]

If that's the case then maybe cut down your working hours outside the home and tell him its because you are getting too tired. Or hire someone to come in and help. I have friends in your situation and that's what they have done.

Or when he wants to do something say you need to rest as you are tired. There are lots of ways of getting your point across. You might have tried all these already, I don't know but it seems like action is needed from you to get anywhere.

This doesn't mean you are in any way not a nice person either but just that you are fed up of this. You have equal rights in this relationship too you know so never give away your power.

[kanzler1987 in reply to hypercat54]

My spouse is cheap and won’t let us hire outside work and just expects me to do all of the work/ inside and out. And I do agree with you. I haven’t honestly tried half the stuff you have said……..that door or window will still be a question to deal with……but yes I am fed up, fed up, tired the whole fucking nine…….

Thank you for your amazing advice

[hypercat54 in reply to kanzler1987]

Glad I helped a bit. How can he stop you from doing less hours at work? And don't ask him about hiring help - just do it. And stop cooking for him and doing his laundry etc. And picking up after him either. As long as you just complain but do nothing he will continue his usual lazy ways.

I have found men respond better to instructions rather than explanations as they tend to see this as just 'nagging' and close their ears.

Oh and please don't use the f word on here - not nice....

[kanzler1987 in reply to hypercat54]

No he allows me to have very little hours. But the issue is that he is never home to help me with other things. And yeah you are right. I need to give more instructions than nag him. And maybe I will hire help. But it won’t be but like one day a week if that. As he will know that our budget is getting tight and he will ask questions.

And yes I have a bad sailor mouth that I need to be better about t.

[hypercat54 in reply to kanzler1987]

He 'allows' you? Wow that's kind of him......

[kanzler1987 in reply to hypercat54]

Yeah he understand certain parts of me. Just not all, and sometimes I feel like I wish he was more understanding to every part not just certain.

[hypercat54 in reply to kanzler1987]

It sounds like he is in charge of your relationship? When did you give away your power? You are one half of it and have equal say you know. If he doesn't like it then tough.

Your needs and wants are at least as valid as his so stand up to him. Its not a case of him being understanding but of stepping up and being a much better partner.

You deserve better than this so go for it.

[kanzler1987 in reply to hypercat54]

As for when I let go power, well idk, I feel it was both of us to let go of our power. And yes I am working on being better at standing my ground and doing what is best for me. But I do appreciate all your kind words. I really do

[hypercat54 in reply to kanzler1987]

No its just you who did. He is living the life of Riley - being looked after and always out leading a single life too. He has his cake and is eating it too. Its a great life for him after all - you working full time and also with another full time job ie looking after the domestic chores and his child. What more could a selfish uncaring partner want?

He took your cake and is eating that as well....I am trying to make you understand that which is why I keep hammering the point. He is leading a great life - you aren't.

[kanzler1987 in reply to hypercat54]

Yeah

[CatLoveralways in reply to kanzler1987]

When I wanted to learn to drive many years ago, My first husband tried to teach me. He drove me absolutely crazy. Yelling, pressing the imaginary break, etc! I went and took driving lessons. When I got my license, I told him! Never regretted my decision.

[san_ray70 in reply to CatLoveralways]

My first husband tried, but it was so bad, I stopped the car and got out. I took a while to pass, but I used qualified teachers.

[Hidden]

😂😂 your post made me laugh x you are clearly in a disagreement with your spouse about driving. You also have a list of stuff you take responsibility for and the don't so is a compromise not a way forward if you don't want to do the driving?

[kanzler1987 in reply to Hidden]

I don’t drive, and I am sorry, that you find my status funny but I don’t…….so please if you could reframe from responding to my post that would be great. You don’t seems to understand the kind of issues and struggles I am dealing with. And I don’t like that you find it funny. It isn’t that I don’t want to drive it is that I have no license and it makes it hard for me to get around. I am trying to learn how to drive but I am also just trying to take my days by days. With my mental health my spouses mental health this does take a toll on me. So please remove yourself from my post.

Thank you

[Hidden in reply to kanzler1987]

No problem. I apologise if my humour offended you. I also did comment that a compromise could be a solution but I'm guessing you didn't read that bit x anyway arguments are not my thing so I wish you all the best driving/walking/bus/taxi.... however you choose to get around 🙏

[kanzler1987 in reply to Hidden]

I am sorry for my response, that was super rude. This is just hard for me. All of this and I don’t know what to do about it. And no sorry I didn’t see your comment on comparing. So.

[Hidden in reply to kanzler1987]

It's OK I appreciate you saying that . I'm guessing you're feeling backed into a corner and in defence mode which is understandable x I'm hoping you and your partner can work through the problem x venting it on here hopefully can help 🙏

[kanzler1987 in reply to Hidden]

Yeah.

[Hidden in reply to kanzler1987]

I replied to litethatnevergoesout saying I will definitely endeavour to be more sensitive in the future x so incase that doesn't show on your replies. I acknowledge your upset and yeah I'm sorry x 😔

[kanzler1987 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you. I appreciate your beautiful comment. Sorry it got so out of hand and carried away. It means a lot. 🙂

[litethatnevergoesout in reply to kanzler1987]

 kanzler1987 Once you post you do not get to pick and choose who or how someone responds to your post. sometimes a comment will be bothersome, a simple disagreement is all that’s needed if you choose to reply to someone’s comment. if there’s a serious problem like abusive comments you can have administration deal with it. there’s nothing you can do about it otherwise.

you should also consider locking your post to this community only. leaving it unlocked like you have provides the entire web to access your plight.

[kanzler1987 in reply to litethatnevergoesout]

Yeah you’re right. I over reacted. I apologize.

[litethatnevergoesout in reply to kanzler1987]

It’s okay. I understand trust me. no apology necessary. I don’t think they intended on pushing any buttons, it’s a good reminder that we never really know how vexed someone might be. I have read your circumstances and how you’re feeling and have great sympathy and compassion for you right now. it isn’t a good feeling whatsoever. things will work out I know it must be very taxing and frustrating right now. I am also really stressed out as I type this.

[kanzler1987 in reply to litethatnevergoesout]

please don’t be stressed because of me. I would hate to ruin your day as well. But thank you for your comparison.

[litethatnevergoesout in reply to kanzler1987]

my life circumstances have me stressed, don’t worry it’s not due to you.

[hypercat54 in reply to kanzler1987]

Don't forget you can delete or amend your posts/replies too so if you want to take any responses out you can do. Just look for your edit button.

[Hidden in reply to litethatnevergoesout]

I really didn't mean to antagonise thankyou for being diplomatic and intervening in such a positive way x I appreciate the apology from kanzler and also took on board to try to be more sensitive in the future 🙏

[hypercat54 in reply to litethatnevergoesout]

I agree completely lite. For those who aren't aware if your post isn't locked the whole of it and the replies can go viral and even end up on social media.

If it is locked then only the first 245 characters show which will still provide links to the site.

To back lock it find your edit button and amend.

[CatLoveralways in reply to kanzler1987]

I think that I understand you. I didn’t drive for the longest time. When everyone was getting their licenses at 16, I was taking the bus. I grew up with my mom, whom was a single mother with three kids. She did not drive. We took busses everywhere. When I got into my 20’s I started needing to rely on people for rides to school, work, etc. It really started to be a hindrance in my life. So I was in my late 20s when I decided that I wanted and needed to learn how to drive. I also didn’t want to let any more time go by. I learned that the longer that I put it off, the more afraid that I was. Don’t get me wrong, I was really scared. But I made my mind up to do it. As you can see from my previous post, driving lessons were one of the best investment that I’ve ever made, in myself. I have been driving 34 years now. You can do it. Make a plan believe in yourself. You are worth it!

[punkster]

As far as driving goes, when we're together, my husband usually drives. He enjoys driving and I don't. When our children were young I worked part time, so I did most of the household chores and running the kids around.

[dutchgirl71]

I like to drive, so that’s never been an issue for me. But I think that if you are uncomfortable driving, then you should not…

[Picoultlove]

so tough to make a clear division of all these tasks

My advise is to compile a list of all the tasks( dont let any of them out!) sit down with each other try to focus on the list and come to a compromise based on what each others preferences are in the first place and after that see if there has to be a reworking if the assignment of tasks based on how much time these take

Another solution is to share the tasks at hand as much as possible you drive one way i drive the othrr way, i do the didhes you dry the dishes

In clean the bathrooms you clean the bed and living rms and so on

None of these tasks a a great pleasure to accomplish but sometimes doing them together might be a fun thing