anyone else feel this way?

[Icantwaittobemeagain]

Why do I feel like l am dying every day? I ask myself all these questions that all can be nswered with a simple answer, "anxiety." Every single night I don't sleep scared I'm going to die in ny sleep. I fear my dreams, and I fear the future. Everything terrifies me more today than it ever has in the past. This constant battle is not living. I want to live life, I want to enjoy things I know I should.

My therapist says she's going to help me "expand my compacity." What does that even mean?

Mentally I know what she is trying to do but physically I feel no change. I never used to fear death, death would fear me. I have always stared down the shot gun barrel of death but today I look, and I am terrified death is going to call me too soon. My therapist says I have manifested this anxiety from the past and my past trauma. I have always known how to deal and heal on my own so why now do I have these issues? Why am I in the constant state of fight or flight? Is it because I haven't made something of myself? Is it because l am slacking in life or is it because I feel stuck where l am at? I am filled with all these questions that not even my therapist can answer. I am filled to the brim with so much fear that I can't find room to grow. I can't find room to have fun, explore or even have energy for wy kids. I find myself on google more and more as the days pass. Googling symptoms or If something is right. I ended up going to the emergency room recently because I had myself convinced there was something wrong with me, and still I feel the doctors missed something. Has my body and my mind given up on me? I wish there was an off button to this madness. This madness is killing me slowly. I pick my nails and bite my cheeks; I pick at my skin and pop my fingers. I lay in bed more now than I have in the past and I desperately want to get up and move but I feel like I am tied down with chains and bowling balls on my chest. I feel heavy. I wish I had people who understood how it felt to feel this way. how it feels to always have weight on you. When you stand it feels like the weights just get heavier, so you lie down for a little longer. I wish this was easy to go through and I wish it would pass like some virus, but I fear this is lifelong. My therapist prescribed me some anxiety meds, but I can't take them. My anxiety tells me not to and I listen. I have become one with my anxiety. She has taken over my body and I don't know how to get it back or if i can get it back. I want to be happy. I fear my anxiety more than I fear my mother. My anxiety has taken all of me. It takes my energy; it takes my happiness. I find little to no joy in life right now.

When I finally lay my head down to go to sleep, I feel as if I stop breathing and I find myself gasping for air. It doesn't matter how many doctors I see, they all run tests, and all the tests show I am healthy as I can be, but my anxiety tells me otherwise. She lies to me to make me believe something is wrong. She continues this lie until l cave in and start to have a panic attack. I am so tired all the time, I wish it would just stop. I am trying not to get depressed through all of this but with one comes the other and I start to think to myself, I wouldn't feel this way if I just wasn't here anymore, right? it makes me cry when I think this way because I know I shouldn't. There're glimpses of myself I see every so often, but it is so rare that l see the real me that I fear she’ll show one more time and never come back again. There are times I catch myself having a good time but once I realize I am having a good time here come anxiety to creep in and ruin it again. I am a nicotine addict and I know that doesn't help my case any but if were a cigarette smoker I would probably go through more than one pack a day. I inhale off my vape more times than I like to admit and it's a comfort for me. I should quit but I can't. I have before but I don't think I can this time. I doubt myself a lot, don't I? don't mind that, it's just my anxiety talking telling me what I can and cannot do and I listen, always. I wish i could change. I want to change. I want to be better, and I want to be happier. I want this weight off my shoulders, and I fear the only way to get the weight off is if I were to fly. My chest hurts everyday and my head feels full of pressure.

[Agora1]

Hi new friend and Welcome.

I read each and every word of your post. Short of smoking, those words could have

been written by me years ago. Anxiety moves into our subconscious mind when we

feel we have lost control of our lives. So the child in you, obediently takes direction

from these inner thoughts (lies). This is how anxiety gains it's power.

You are in the right place for the help and support you need right now. We've all

been there and some are still struggling. Know that there is a way out. This doesn't

have to be a forever thing. We can show you the way to live and not just exist.

Starting with a book entitled "Hope & Help for Your Nerves" by Dr. Claire Weekes,

can give you the push start you need in taking that first step. (she is also on YouTube)

I think you will find the person she is talking about very familiar....it's you.

I'm happy you are here with us. More will be coming from others in this community

who care and understand. Walking the walk with you, will help you not feel so alone xx

[Icantwaittobemeagain in reply to Agora1]

thank you so much. I’m so glad I’m not alone. I appreciate your reply and I will definitely read that book I love reading

[Agora1 in reply to Icantwaittobemeagain]

Dr Claire Weekes' book and videos is the foundation for many of us not only on

this forum but in psychology itself. The theory of Acceptance is a world wide

basis in which we can start taking that first step towards healing.

You may hear from many others on this site who will go into further detail. xx

[gajh]

Hello and Welcome. Now you are here with us and can talk with people who understand. There is hope.

[Jeff1943]

Something in your life has triggered your nerves to become over sensitive. Only you know the cause but whatever it is you should first deal with it even though this may mean major changes in your life. You may well have to be ruthless to achieve this end.The reason you are plagued by horrible thoughts and frightening expectations is not because these threats are real. For example, there is absolutely no reason to think you are going to die prematurely or suddenly. But because your nervous system has become over sensitive by being subjected to the over production of anxiety hormones it is sending out false symptoms and feelings.

If you concentrate on fighting these symptoms recovery will remain elusive. Instead turn your attention to correcting the cause: your nervous system's over sensitive state. Once normal sensitivity has been regained then all the worrisome symptoms will pass and you will recover your quiet mind.

This cannot be done in a few hours or few days. But if you are prepared to let time pass whilst you adopt a new approach then success will surely follow. Such new approach involves accepting your distressing symptoms and feelings for the time being. If you can agree to coexist with them in a state of 'masterly inactivity' you will come to fear them less - and the over supply of cortisol and adrenalin will cease giving your battered nerves time to recover. It all depends on achieving a state of true acceptance and maintaining it for as long as it takes.

So you have my personal assurance that your death is not imminent. You will not stop breathing in your sleep: your subconscious system will force you to breathe no matter how hard you tried to prevent it. And when doctors tell you that you're fine then remember: you can't cure yourself of an illness you don't have no matter how hard you try.

[Agora1 in reply to Jeff1943]

Thank you Jeff1943 for your wise words xx