Hi, I'm new here. I've had chronic migraines, treatment resistant depression & anxiety for decades. Since covid, I've become agoraphobic. I have 2 friends that live in other states but none locally. I have 1 brother in another state & a father that I am not close with except for birthday/Christmas cards. I'm feeling stuck in this very isolated place of wanting the company of others but terrified of it at the same time. I grew up with rejection & abandonment issues and that has resurfaced to the point where I have very little confidence in myself. It's like I'm falling through the cracks and no one will even notice that I'm gone. Sometimes I wonder if I still exist at all but then the migraine pain reminds me that I am still very much alive. Terrified of this road I am going down but feel unable to change it. If you got this far, thanks so much for reading my story.
Anyone else feel this way?: Hi, I'm new... - Anxiety and Depre...
Anyone else feel this way?
I was just so absolutely stunned to read this and see how much of it aligned with my own circumstances... These past few years, aside from COVID, have been incredibly taxing to me. Along with depression and anxiety, I've felt progressively more agoraphobic and antisocial. The 3-4 friends that I do have live in different states and our relationships feel mostly superficial at this point. My mother died several years and I'm conspicuously estranged from my father. I'm in an on/off relationship with a man that I deeply love, but I've had A LOT of issues developing healthy coping mechanisms, gauging expectations, and expanding upon my own support network- so obviously we're broken up at the moment because the relationship was unsustainable. I'm at a point where I feel VERY alone, but not as much as I had in the past. I've learned to limit expectations of friends and acquaintances and that's helped (as bad as that may perceptually sound...). It's been difficult coming out of the dark and shaking off my isolative tendencies... people still scare me, which is unsettling to me because even though I've always felt naturally more introverted, I at least loved engaging with people. I don't feel like myself AT ALL.
As per the abandonment and rejection issues, those have been really hard to cope with too. I've been in therapy for a few months and we've touched on these areas. The biggest takeaway for me was confidence and self-esteem building. It's hard to put yourself out there when you're so guarded and everything seems pointless because you don't feel like you have a genuine connection with anyone, but you have to incrementally work at bringing those walls down... and I haven't quite perfected that yet, but in the last few months I've had several fleeting moments of authenticity that felt amazing- only to sabotage myself again with poor situational coping mechanisms. I try not to be too hard on myself though because there were literally years that I didn't even feel alive, so to have those little moments made me feel that all the hard work that I've been putting into myself has been paying off to some minimally promising degree.
I hope you can find some peace this holiday weekend... I feel like I'm missing out on a lot by not being with anyone personally, but I'm trying to do little activities for myself to make me feel alive in some way. I'm not saying that's foolproof because even as I do engage in these activities I don't entirely feel present, but the aftereffects, though small, feel lovely in the most muted ways if that makes any sense...
Sorry for the dump there, I just kept on venting. Feel free to message me if you need someone to talk to this weekend! I know this weekend is super rough for a lot of people.
Maybe you should look up some activities group in your area, try to stay positive and proactive! Find a hobby, writing, painting, climbing, biking, anything that may add to your support group. Bring this up with your therapist, maybe he/she might have a suggestion. Or you can adopt a pet if you feel up for it. Remember that one good friend is worth a thousand fake ones!! And keep posting for support, you are not alone!
I just went to an MMA class for the first time, and even though I felt semi-antisocial, it still felt good to be out. Punching the hell out of things was also SUPER cathartic. I know I'm being too hard on myself, but I started to shut down ever so slightly toward the end of the introductory lesson. I think I got into my head too much and let my insecurities prevent me from being present, but the fact that I even did it feels awesome post-lesson. And this is something I wouldn't have had the confidence/capacity to do even a year ago, so I'm really proud of myself so going through with it...I sat outside of the training room for a solid 10 minutes having second thoughts. I'm glad I went through with it though.
I like to take myself out on "dates" like kayaking or movies, but I wish I had people to do those things with. I may start looking around for groups in the area. Even just talking to people on here in some back and forth exchange feels really nice.
Thank you for the gentle reminder that I'm not alone. It helps to hear sometimes (:
Im glad to hear it!!!! You'll be whooping a*s in no time!!! Each time you go your confidence with go up and its a great way to meet new people! Love yourself and the rest will follow!!!
LOL I HOPE SO!! The instructor candidly told me I was catching on to everything really fast between the pivots, positioning, etc... compared to other newbies, so that made me hopeful. And I'm learning how to be kinder to myself lately, especially today! Thank you for the support and advice- it's immensely uplifting!
One moment at a time, one day at a time!!! You are far stronger than you know
You are not dumping; it makes me feel others can know how I feel without feeling the same way. Hello Bill in Sparr (Anthony)
Rely on the friends you have. Open up. Its not easy, but you should let them know what is going on. Maybe you can look up some support groups in your area. Go out and try to stay active, it doesn't have to be something big, just a walk in a park may help to clear your mind. Adopt a pet if you have the time and energy, maybe volunteer work. Keep posting and don't give up!!!!!!!!
Hi, thank you for sharing your story, it helps others who are struggling with the same feelings to not feel so alone. I appreciate you. You are heard and supported here. ((hugs))💜 (oh, and I love the tree pic) (oh how a photo can speak volumes with just one glance.) For me it symbolizes two trees planted firmly in the ground, one holding the other up or giving a hug trying to support the other. Supporting each other, continuing to grow. Maybe in a sense I could apply that to this place. There are others here who are firmly planted who can help others that may need a little extra support but they are still trees also, still growing, still need nuturing as well, but with the support of others we can all continuing growing, supporting one another.
I know how u feel my family is in another state can't even hold them it's been 2 years and basically I got no friends to hangout with but we got to b strong
Hi blue green purple :)Is that tree for real?? It says so much about what we can learn from Mother Nature.
Many times, I've hugged a tree to get grounded but never did I see a tree hugging another
one for support. Brilliant Pic
I've had my years of daily tension headaches mixed with migraines as well as with Agoraphobia. I will agree it's a long lonely road that no one understands which makes
it more difficult. Once we no longer depend on support from unknowing people, we get
the courage and fortitude in knowing we must take care of ourselves. Who better knows
our thoughts and physical pain due to those thoughts.
Popping a pill would only have a bandaid affect on your trauma/situation. Therapy can be a
game changer for our past as well as our present situational issues. Right now it's your pain
causing you to question if you really exist and if anyone would miss you.
Hang in there, take care of yourself by loving yourself and knowing things will get better
one day. With time, we learn what's necessary in life. We learn that because of our pain and
past experiences, we become a stronger more independent person. Life is Good my friend.
Believe in that 
xx
Thanks to everyone for responding. I appreciate being heard in a nonjudgmental space. I have opened up to the few people in my life so they know what's going on. I know it's hard to help someone who lives so far away and is stuck in a fright-freeze state. My 2 small dogs are the reason I'm still here. Their care is my purpose. I sit in the backyard throughout the day while they run and play. It's just extremely difficult to get through the front door and go anywhere alone. I also have severe driving anxiety in a high traffic city. Safety has become my top priority and my safe place is in my home. Unfortunately, it is also my prison. I have a therapist and a doctor who are aware of my situation. Over the years, I have tried many medications and therapies but nothing works for very long. Now I am on a very limited income (SSDI) and highly sensitive to any medications, supplements, vitamins and many foods. I just never saw this coming. Never imagined I could or would fall so low. Fighting the battle of the mind is so difficult. The picture of the hugging trees spoke volumes to me. Two trees growing toward each other lending support while reaching for the sky. Oh how I wish I had that unconditional love. Thanks again for all your comments, care and concern.
Oh gosh. I hope you get some relief for the migraines and the depression/anxiety. I know in my case they all feed each other. So when one flares it fires up the others. Your story is very familiar to my own except I haven’t suffered decades, yet, but I do have the added thrill ride of vertigo. Don’t be jealous 🤪 LOL
You’ll find a lot of people that understand you here. This is an amazing community with a wide range of experience and opinions. We are glad to have you, welcome
Yes, I think many of us feel similar.
What keeps you at home,now?
What kinds of talk therapy have you tried?
What a star you are showing us that picture of the tree hugging another. Never seen that before. I wish i had someone hugging me like that. I too have found myself at 61 years alone. I have depression & anxiety and trying different medications at the moment. My beloved Mum died 6 months ago , the only person who truly loved me. My darling dog died a week ago and my sister who lives near doesnt care about me. Like you i have phone friends but they have their own lives it is a lonely place to be. I bare the scars of abandonment and feel terrified of making new friends only to be abandoned by them later. Yet we have value and worth , so dont fall down the cracks. It seems to me that it is the kind and sensitive people who have these mental illness. I live in the UK and i find that society here has become less caring, not wanting to get involved in helping one another. And covid has alot to answer for. Bless you, you have two lovely dogs, they are wonderful company arent they. You have alot to cope with, i hope your migraines get better so you can plan a way forward with your therapist. Grab what you can thats available to help you but remember it takes time. Try baby steps to getting out the house. Even if its to the end of your street or less. Then pat yourself on the back. One day at a time with intention and action you will recover. This is what i tell myself throu my grief because we are unique and special or why else would we be here on this planet.
I feel so much like you. Before Covid I was able to get out of my depression (for the most part). Then Covid, an injury and I now wake up almost daily scared. Scared to be alone and being with others. I do not do well isolating. So my head spins about what to do. I used to have fun, was getting my life back to a peaceful place, now I'm scrambled again. I hate it.
I get it. The mornings are the worst part of the day for me. If I didn't have dogs, I don't know if I would get out of bed most days. I'm scrambling with you and hate it also.
I can offer friendship either phone or email until you decide if maybe in person might happen. Bill from Miami honest and sincere. whorn@netzero.net
i feel you,. Even i have chronic migraines and i suffer from anxiety . I too grew up with lot of criticsm from my father and no emotional support from either family or friends. I have abandonment issues, Take care of yourself. I wish u find the happiness you deserve. God bless you.
Hello my friend, I can relate to what you say about wanting to reconnect with people and activities, but feeling stuck with lack of confidence and anxiety and make no mistake, the last couple years has caused this to surface in so many around the globe and for many like myself worsened such feelings.
Things that have helped me over time have been,
Prayer,
Some medication, (though not as quick and easy fix as some may think and of course is only part of the recovery toolkit and not for everyone)
Meditation, (guided ones, loads free on You tube and you can get faith based ones if that is your thing, for example I listen to a Holy Spirit one among many others)
Gently pushing myself to do small tasks like you said you were doing.
Deep belly breathing, (which of course can go with meditation, but at anytime.
Essential oils,scents (if you listen to or do a meditation, breathe in the smell of the oil, lavender for example, though many nice ones, if you habitually do this then smell the same oil when going to a shop or any potentially anxiety inducing situation, your brain will make the connection to your meditation and help calm you, It's related to the work of Ivan Pavlov on Classical Conditioning and has helped me somewhat.
Gentle excercise, (though I kknow how tough that is when you struggle to go outside and/or get motivated, but practices like Yoga and tai chi can be good.
Speaking to people experiencing similar, (kinda what youre doing just now).
Hypnotherapy is something that helped with my confidence, though I appreciate it aint for everyone nor for their pockets.
Take your time and be kind to yourself, (if only I could take my own advice on that one).
I'm aware I have rambled a bit, but hope my ramble helps in some small way, sending love and Prayers to you, small steps my friend, (don't you hate it when pepole say that),
T
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